Monday, October 31, 2005

No matter what i do,
No matter how hard i try,
It's never enough
I always get knocked down
God, I don't know what else i can do.
Because even if i did, it still would not be enough.
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Friday, October 28, 2005

   I feel like perhaps God has put me on trial here. Yesterday i got pulled further into the mess that i've been in, got yelled at by my English teacher, volleyball is a mess, i'm stressed to the max...Peter is well, Peter, and again volleyball is a mess. I tried so hard during practice, and coach never has anything good to say about it. Then I went into Eckered's (where i work) right after practice and i think i'm gonna lose my job, my boss is being really difficult, and the woman i babysit for ran into the store and begged me to watch the girls cuz' she got called into work. So i left with her home to watch the girls and was up until 3:00 am this morning with a sick screaming baby. I'm so tired right now. I hadn't had anything to eat, or any sleep for 24 hours. All my friends are stressed and coming to me for advice, i need to do work on my play, it's too short. I'm just tired. And in the process i'm completely broken over everything that has happened over the last few weeks. I'm okay, just pressed for strength i'm not sure i have.....gtg.
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Wednesday, October 26, 2005

   First Jr. High drama rehersal is tonight! Can't wait! I'm co-director, aaaannnnd I wrote the play, so it's really exciting for me! Last night i lied awake thinking of all the things i have to accomplish in the next five years..annnd, it's pretty overwhelming. I got to skip school yesterday to "sell ads" for yearbook. Yeeeah, we shopped;-D!!! I love my friends, they're so supportive. I've been going through a pretty crappy time lately, and they've really pulled through for me.
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Friday, October 21, 2005

It's funny how no matter how far i come in life, or how many things i have overcome by myself, or how many things i've faced and conquered, i still cry. I still hurt. I shouldn't. I should shrug my shoulders and move on, but i'm so gosh damn angry and hurt. ANd to have someone attack you, someone you've trusted and loved, to take you're most personal and vulnerable insecurity, to take that very trust and stab you in the back with it; I'm sorry, but i didn't deserve that. And i knew better , but went against my better judgement, and took that risk, and failed. But i'm still standing, as always, but again, as always, standing alone. Screaming alone. Fighting alone. Crying alone. And it angers me to be fighting the same thing, to be hurting about the same thing since i was a little girl. But back then, i thought that i would be safe by now. THat i wouldn't be alone by now. That now that i'm older, i would be stronger, better, somehow. But now that i am older, i'm still fighting, still screaming, still crying, still....hurting. It's been years, and i'm still waiting. I'm tired of waiting. I thought i was done waiting. Yet, here i am, waiting. And i'm out of ideas, and hope, and energy. Because that one person, took everything that i had, and i'm left with nothing.
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Thursday, October 20, 2005

   Mrs. Swanson didn't let drama club do our skit today in Chapel. OOooooh! That woman!!!!! THen my thermis broke this morning..sooo...no coffee! *groan* not a good morning. Omgosh, this guys is soooo cute!!!! I was walking down the hall, and he came running down the hall in his gym clothes and smiled at me and ran by.....*sigh* Such a cute boy!!!! Aaah!
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Wednesday, October 19, 2005

   Okay i gotta say this, things ended with me and my "bff" Sat. At first i was really upset and worried, but u know what, LIFE ROCKS!! IT's sooooo much better without him, cuz now i have people in my life who actually love me and appreciate me!!! Yes! I guess maybe, that's what God wanted me to see all along!
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   Partaaay!
WE CREAMED PORTVILLE LAST NIGHT!!! In just three matches! Sweet! I got 5 blocks! Friday night is senior game....*tear* so sad, my last home game!!!! My life is so great right now! PARTAAAAY SATURDAY!!!! Ha! Everyone is talking about it and really excited! 55 people are coming!!! Aaaah! So cool! WE have to take the school bus to transport all the ppl. It's gonna be the "social event of the season" lol. Can't wait!
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Wednesday, October 12, 2005

   I had to give my speech on childbirth today, hehehe, fun fun fun. OMG! I'm sooo stressed about drama club. I have a game tonight vs. Wellsville! Loooove volleyball, just not my friggin' coach. Okay, i paid $40 for a fricken warmup, and guess what? We can't open the package until SHE is there! I paid the money, it's MINE! what the heck! Grrr...Not to mention she put her friggin' 12 year old sister on the team, and made a rookie a freakin' captain cuz she sucks up. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
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Friday, October 7, 2005

   Staying in Houghton tonight YAY!!! Volleyball tournament is tomorrow! YAY! I rocked my English exam....I am sooo sick of people lately. I'm sick of being nice to everyone, just to have put downs and insults thrown at me. I'm so tired. There's only so much someone can take.
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Monday, October 3, 2005

   Sooooo tired right now. I have a game tonight, and the very first drama club rehersal......Yeah!!!! I'm so tired. I'm sitting in the lab between Sarah and sugarbooger......hehehe TIMMY!!!!
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