myOtaku.com: Broken Wings

myO Still <3's You

Vitals

Birthday
• 1992-05-08
Gender
• Female
Location
• with my dear ^_^
Member Since
• 2004-03-18
Occupation
• daydreamer =D
Real Name
• anis.

Personal

Anime Fan Since
• 6
Favorite Anime
• Sailormoon, Ouran High and Yugioh
Goals
• Train myself to sing with my diaphram =DD
Hobbies
• writing, drawing, being on a stage, doing whatever, be it singing, acting, or just plain goofing around =]
Talents
• .....stoning.

myOtaku.com: Broken Wings

Monday, November 13, 2006

chu~
/.
Listening to: Crawling - Linkin Park
Mood: cold

...My dream with my band ends.
but somehow I'm not sad.
I'm angry, disappointed, and relieved.
Angry because I know I screwed myself up on purpose.
Disappointed because I couldn't overcome my own nervousness and because I'm not a persistant enough person.
Relieved because I don't think I can handle all the stress of being in a band where its members are like statues to me.

Boys have always been better people to have as bandmembers anyways. I could never get along with girls. Sorry Iz,Ai,Mit.
I feel doubly relived because my ex bandmembers found other reasons to kick me out. So that I won't have to explain myself to anyone.
...I don't want to be part of a band which makes me feel like I'm not wanted.

I now find that I feel as though I don't belong anywhere. Not in my school, not in the Jrock community here.

...nowhere.
I'm beginning to even hate my former mates.
It's been nagging at me from before, even before all this band business came about. They ignore me, and then wonder why I'm so pissed.
WTFH.
I begin to think, do they discriminate me just becuase I'm of a different race?They pair off and leave me alone, and I really begin to wonder whether this was all worth it. In truth, most of them only met up because of me. All of us knew each other from an online forum, and I was the one who brought most of them together because I joined all of them in the same convo on msn.

..I feel so..
I can't find any words.
I can't push this to the back of my mind because everything I ever do is related to this.
I can't even draw because my mind is occupied with questions and thoughts.
I now find that I'm a failure.

I'm not persistent.
I "posses the wrong attitude".
I'm weak.
I let things like this get to me.

..I'm not the knight in shining armour anymore.
And sometimes, I get tired of protecting people. I get tired of trying to fix things, trying to make amends.
Sometimes I'm the one who needs protecting.

I feel sad now that I don't have the guts to even admit this to my few close friends.
Ayano.
Aiko.
Mitsuki.
Izumi.

You're the only ones left in my life, besides my friends online.

I don't want anything to push you guys away. When I came home and stared at Asagi sama on my wall, I apologized. I couldn't possibly follow in his footsteps. I'm not strong enough.

thank you everyone.
♥
I'm sorry I made your day greyer with my whiny posts.
I can't possibly help that.
Comments (3)

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