Sunday, February 27, 2005

   Welcome to the life of the teenage devil....
Haha. I am dubbed the spawn of satan. I personally don't care. Cuz everyone knows its true. No innocence for me.

Oh yea. Cory, you will die. Its just a matter of time. I will be revenged.

Fuck, I just had to goto the band room and get all the great and the not great memories. What the hell was I thinking this summer? Was I drugged? Whatever it was I never wanted to remember. I was so close to losing who I am. Without the support of Anthony, Natalie and Jeanie, all would be lost. I like turned all badass over the summer, it's not even funny. Maybe solitude and anger takes a toll on the mind? All I know is Cory asks me why I give him dirty looks, and then a whole new wave of anger broke through. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know why I'm pissed with him. Honestly, he of all people. What made everything worse was when Troy got upset with me. He found out that I used to cut and got all pissed and stopped talking to me. Then right when I lost all hope on things ever returning to normal he comes back asking for forgiveness. He abandoned me when I needed him most and I wasn't about to just take him back. He knew everything too. He knew I hid my feelings. As a matter a fact I still do. People only see hatred from me. But Troy, he told me to stop cutting and to stop acting stupid, and when I told him I couldn't that it didn't just work that way he left. What kind of friend is like that? If it weren't for Anthony I for sure would be dead, but I couldn't leave him behind. It seems my whole life is a joke. Right after Troy abandoned my, we all found out Anthony had diabetes. That killed my last bit of...well...heart. After that I was claimed to have a 'stone heart' and that if you checked I wouldn't have a heartbeat. Well that didn't help so I just stopped seeing things that weren't worth seeing. When Troy came back he said that he saw me like 4 times a day everyday and it made him think and my reply was 'you see me everyday?' and of course he says 'yea didn't you notice?' and my reply was simple, 'i don't see anything that isn't worth seeing anymore' That got him made but I was clearly pissed with him so he just ignored it. So now that everything has fallen apart, I'm slowly picking back up the pieces and bringing all the people I tore apart back together. I just hope this time I get a happier ending. But one can only hope. It'll take time to restore the once peaceful life of mine. My family is falling apart, my friends are turning against one another, I'm not able to believe in myself. It never mattered about my family because I have hated them for cursing me. My mother is obese and my father is gay. What sorta family is that? My brother is just a little asshole drug dealer in the making, I can just see it now. Most of my friends will just leave me behind after high school because I can't risk trusting new people. I'll just lose myself to new pain by then. How come every time I do something, something bad has to happen to make it worse? Why can't I just do something and be left alone? A fake smile and act can only fool people for so long. Then I look at the world and think 'its great to live in a world built only on hate and anger'. We fight for meaningless things. We feel the need to place the blame on someone who is different when something goes wrong. When are we ever going to actually take the blame for what we do. And then that asshole bush. Why the hell does he need to keep this fucking war going? If he would just leave them damn countries to wallow in their own problems we wouldn't have all these problems.

enough of my ranting...
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