Thursday, April 21, 2005

Ouch
As always I am hurt and Guess what I have an athletics field meet tommorow with ROTC, I'm Doing push ups and the stretcher relay. I'm not sure If I'll be alble to do it though. I really hurt my left arm. Wish me luck and have a nice... Night.
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   Today was ok
Well Jessica and I are now back to speaking terms, although I still avoid her when she is with Travis. I have a rugby game at 7:15 I don't know who it is against but I am fairly confident about it.

Thats all folks
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Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Toay is Wednsday... Yes it is...
Yep so of course after school I do rugby practice it was light since we have a game tommorow. After that I went to churh(even though I have a 4 page reaserch project due and a 15 page play to write) It was worth it though. I spent probably the entire time with Ursuala it was great until it was after the lesson while I was playin airhockey with her when my sister came up and aided everyone in distracting me so Usuala might stand a chance, She says of all things "Hey look its Jessica!" Of course I didn't look but then I was pissed of and had to explain to everyone including Ursuala how I got humiliated. THANKS SAM I OWE YOU ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I should get to my homework bye.
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Tuesday, April 19, 2005

   Cool......
Ok so for my birhtday I got

Red Under Armor
New Weights
Beyblade Junk
Fake Money
My Own Personnal Chair(Red Shag)
Lego Star Wars(XBOX)

Lego StarWars is the best game in the world I HAVE BEATEN IT ALREADY AND AM NOW WORKING ON THE EXTRAS YOU SHOULD GET IT IT IS HILARIOUS. Oops sorry I hit Caps Lock. Any ways besides my family no one(by that I mean any girls I like) remembeed my birhtday and when they realized it I got a hug and a "Oops sorry"... Oh well I got a hug.

Hope you had a fun weekend I'm gonna go work out in my new nipple shirt"Under Armor is very tight"

Bye
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Saturday, April 16, 2005

16161616161616161616161616161616161616
Thats right today I am 16 years old.

Yay ok now to the other stuff.

So its my B-day and of course its my turn to mow the lawn.

Thats all I really have to say right now so later
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Thursday, April 14, 2005

Whimper...
Ouch, I just got back from a rugby game... I'm sore and I'm getting ready to colapse. I have ROTC feild meet tryouts tommorrow I'm already on the stretcher relay but I'm going for pushups also. Any wasy I'm takin a rest and trying to heal up later
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Wednesday, April 13, 2005

   Wow!!
Today was so much different than the other days. I'm not sure why but I was barely even sad today(except when I saw Travis walk Jessica to Math) Anyways I want to focus on the positive.


So the day started out great. I guess I woke up on the right side of the bed or something. I felt that today was gonig to be good. So it starts out with Jessica and I having a quick chat, even though she just wanted to borrow something of mine it was still good to realize that she could still say hi. Then in Theatre 1 we acted out our 4(out 15) pages and it was hilarious it is good to be a director of even a small thing like that. Then in english I slept until she saw us and made me and Ryan(her cousin, ok guy, he's short and a little pudgy but a huge redneck) stand up for the rest of the period, 15 minutes. So then in ROTC I was put in charge of supply, not the most fun thing to do but hey it kept my mind busy. In fourth I slept again and even though I have a D in there I am really confident about this test. After school I helped Jessica with supply, of course she gave me the worst jobs, I had to count 266 BUTTONS!! Not much fun but she did say thanks and once again lifted my spirits. At rugby practice we Did: 2 65's(1 lap,soccer feild, in under 65 seconds), 4 35's(half a lap in under 35 seconds) 5 sets of 20 push ups, and 5 sprints(100 meters in under 15 seconds). It's more fun than you'd think. But I haven't even gotten to the best part yet. I convinced my mom to let me go to church and just talk for 30 minute(not for the high school service but just to hang out with friends) and the only person who could make me forget about Jessica is Ursala(not the best name in the world for a girl but oh well) She was there and I had a couple meaningless chats with her and kicked her but in airhockey and I felt happy around her. It was the best part of this day and my day has been great from the beginning. Also she said that she wanted me to go to church retreat this summer and choir tour so she wouldn't be alone(not in the fantasy meaning we are friends even though I could go farther, but I don't need a girlfriend right now I need a friend).


I just hope it stays this way


My life is coming back together...
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Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Well, Today was incident free. So I have had lots of time to think.
I worte this in the beginning of first block. I just haven't been able to post it yet so Here it is.

The only class that I feel alive in is 1st block(Theatre 1). Not Just because I like to act in and direct plays, but because I have no connections to ROTC there. I don't see Jessica or Travis or any of there best friends so I forget about it totally.In 2nd(English 10 CP) Her cousin is in there along with 2 other ROTC kids. My 3rd block is ROTC so I don't have to say anything. And in 4th(Algebra 2 Honors) I'm named as a Rotc Nazi.

This is an attempt to relieve some pent up stress.

Dear Jessica,

It hurts... to see you. It used to be where I was only happy when I was with you. Now when I see you(with Travis) it hurts... to see how I have failed. I asked you for a second chance when you broke up with me but all you did was go silent and hang up the phone. Now the only reason I play rugby(insead of for the heck of it) is to vent the anger. I used to work out to impress you now I use it to relieve stress. The only problem is that, by working out I become stronger now I have more energy more power. Now i'm afraid I'll use it other than to play rugby.I just want to talk to you. With out... Travis. Just you and me. I don't want to talk you into going out with me again(well I'd like that). I just want to tell you... how i feel.

All I have acheived in ROTC wasn't because I wanted to. No, they where just nasty side effects of my true goal, I did it to spend time with you so that you could respect me atleast a little. I am on 3 drill teams and the athletics team. All for you. I Raised my rank so that you wouldn't fell bad for dating an E-2(If you don't know what that is don't ask), but how was I repayed you dumped me OVER THE PHONE!! It hurt all that work for nothing.

I made a mistake, 3 days after you broke up with me... I asked your best friend Heather out. I was weak and disoriented. You said you broke up with me so that we could talk more, more like a couple. BUT IT ONLY SEPARATED US MORE! I tried to talk to you about the break up, but you just shunned me away. So i tried to do the same to you. I asked Heather out. After realizing my mistake I broke up with her immediately. We went out for a total of 6 days. I then went on in false hope to turn down 2 other girls. I broke up with Heather and turned down to other girls in just the HOPE of being with you. Just after I turned down the second girl I was at school for no more then 30 minutes and I heard that you were going out with him, Travis. I hurt 3 girls just to be hurt by you.

I don't understand it. Why am I jealous? I've never been jealous over a girl before. I've never been this jealous ever.

I miss you but it seems that you don't miss me. I'm just having a hard time dealing with it.

Writing this was supposed to help me feel better but the only thing that will help is if she reads this... if she can understand how I feel. I want to tell her but I can't...

My Life is falling apart...


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Monday, April 11, 2005

   Sigh
Well... ... we lost the rugby game, so my day got worse. Anyways I've been havin a really hard time lately not just emotionally but my life feels like its falling apart. I need help... ... And the only person I'll talk to doesn't want anything to do with me... ... I... I'm lost, I have no where left to go, I have no motivation. No reason to keep dreaming... ... No reason to... wake up and get out of bed if I'm just going to see her and get depressed, I've tried to forget and ignore but well, it doesn't work. I need help but, I can't do anything about it. Well good niht I'm going to try and work out.
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   why me
I dont under stand it ive never been this jealous over a girl before in my life... ... I just dont have the guts to tell her how i really feel and she has a boyfreind now too... ... I was able to ignore her and travis ealier but after spending a whole weekend with them at Navy JROTC Nationals(we are 15 in the nation) I got really depressed. I want to fight him and beat the **** out of him but that would make her mad at me. And right now thats the last thing I want well i Have to go get ready for a rugby game ill add a more descriptive pst later... ...(sigh)
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