Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Well, Today was incident free. So I have had lots of time to think.
I worte this in the beginning of first block. I just haven't been able to post it yet so Here it is.

The only class that I feel alive in is 1st block(Theatre 1). Not Just because I like to act in and direct plays, but because I have no connections to ROTC there. I don't see Jessica or Travis or any of there best friends so I forget about it totally.In 2nd(English 10 CP) Her cousin is in there along with 2 other ROTC kids. My 3rd block is ROTC so I don't have to say anything. And in 4th(Algebra 2 Honors) I'm named as a Rotc Nazi.

This is an attempt to relieve some pent up stress.

Dear Jessica,

It hurts... to see you. It used to be where I was only happy when I was with you. Now when I see you(with Travis) it hurts... to see how I have failed. I asked you for a second chance when you broke up with me but all you did was go silent and hang up the phone. Now the only reason I play rugby(insead of for the heck of it) is to vent the anger. I used to work out to impress you now I use it to relieve stress. The only problem is that, by working out I become stronger now I have more energy more power. Now i'm afraid I'll use it other than to play rugby.I just want to talk to you. With out... Travis. Just you and me. I don't want to talk you into going out with me again(well I'd like that). I just want to tell you... how i feel.

All I have acheived in ROTC wasn't because I wanted to. No, they where just nasty side effects of my true goal, I did it to spend time with you so that you could respect me atleast a little. I am on 3 drill teams and the athletics team. All for you. I Raised my rank so that you wouldn't fell bad for dating an E-2(If you don't know what that is don't ask), but how was I repayed you dumped me OVER THE PHONE!! It hurt all that work for nothing.

I made a mistake, 3 days after you broke up with me... I asked your best friend Heather out. I was weak and disoriented. You said you broke up with me so that we could talk more, more like a couple. BUT IT ONLY SEPARATED US MORE! I tried to talk to you about the break up, but you just shunned me away. So i tried to do the same to you. I asked Heather out. After realizing my mistake I broke up with her immediately. We went out for a total of 6 days. I then went on in false hope to turn down 2 other girls. I broke up with Heather and turned down to other girls in just the HOPE of being with you. Just after I turned down the second girl I was at school for no more then 30 minutes and I heard that you were going out with him, Travis. I hurt 3 girls just to be hurt by you.

I don't understand it. Why am I jealous? I've never been jealous over a girl before. I've never been this jealous ever.

I miss you but it seems that you don't miss me. I'm just having a hard time dealing with it.

Writing this was supposed to help me feel better but the only thing that will help is if she reads this... if she can understand how I feel. I want to tell her but I can't...

My Life is falling apart...


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