Saturday, February 16, 2008

Good morning all. How is everyone doing? It's been a while, I know. A lot of shit has been going on. I decided to take myself off of the Zoloft. I was exhausted all of the time and it was starting to affect my studies. Definitely not worth it. My doctor and counselor were upset because I didn't inform them until after I had done it, but at that point I didn't care. I've pretty much been an emotional wreck lately, and it's no fun. I have been extremely upset lately about the way I look - I've gained a couple of pounds and think it all looks terrible on me. Sometimes I don't even know why my boyfriend stays around me. It's just been really difficult lately. Besides that, I am going home for the day, even though we had a break last week. I just really want to see my family. I am also sick of being sick. Not physically, but mentally. I know I don't look as bad as I see myself as, but there's no way to convince myself otherwise. What I see is what I believe. It sucks. *grumble* I apologize. Thank you for reading. Artemis, Goddess of the Hunt, is unhappy...aluve'






What Tribe Are You From?


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Saturday, January 19, 2008

Still, I become a teacher because I am 100 times better than all of you. - Eikichi Onizuka.

So, the other day I decided to go to the health center on campus because I was having these chest pains that were getting so bad that it was difficult for me to lay down, and it even hurt for Steven to hug me. So, I went and explained the symptoms to the physician, and I guessed that it was because of a muscle I pulled at the gym or something along those lines. Nope, of course I was wrong. It was due to anxiety...again. I was in class for two days, and already I am stressed. Granted, I was taking 17 credit hours, working 20 hours a week, and having 3-5 hours of rehearsal all planned out on my schedule. The physician prescribed me Zoloft. At first I was all opposed to taking anti-depressants, but looking more into it, Zoloft is also good for treating anxiety disorders and OCD, both of which I have. So, this might be a good thing for me. It's scary, taking a mood-altering drug. It won't kick in until sometime next week since it has to reconfigure the serotonin in my brain, but just waiting for it...I don't know. I ended up dropping a class though: Conservation Biology. I wanted to take it because of the professor teaching the course, but he ended up getting a job with homeland security doing something with forests, so his wife is teaching the course now. I was going to give it a chance at first, but after a meeting with David (my counselor), I realized that I was definitely taking on much more than I could handle. If I was that stressed after the first two days of classes, there is definitely something wrong. So, now I am taking 14 credits, involved in three one-act plays, in charge of recruiting for my fraternity, and working 20 hours a week. Being my last semester and all, it looks like I will at least be making a bit of money. That's a plus.
In addition to all of that, Steven has a single this semester, so I am basically living with him, which is also good for me...it's helping with the whole dealing with life thing. Being around him causes me to feel less stressed, which is always a good thing. I am still worried about what is going to happen next year, and even this summer, but I have started taking things more day by day, which is good for me.
Looks like things are starting to turn around for me. *knocks on wood* Another plus: I liked the way I looked today. I think I am losing weight. W00t. Artemis, Goddess of the Hunt, is becoming thinner and happier...aluve'





What Imadoki Character Are You?


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Sunday, January 6, 2008

   "I'm watching a dream I'll never wake up from."
-Spike Spiegel

Man. I am back at school now, although classes don't start until Thursday. I guess that's a good thing...first, it gives me some down time to spend with Steven (although I just spent the last week at his house) and it also gives me a little bit of time to get over this funk that I've fallen into again. I just don't want to do anything but cry. I hate the way I look...I really want to lose about 10 pounds to feel better about the way I look again. I am also scared that this is my last semester here, and that after this, I don't know what is ahead of me. Grad school, of course, but where? Why can't I just enjoy the here and now? I just don't feel like doing anything. I feel best when I am laying in Steven's arms, but I also feel like I am bring a huge burden to him. I don't know...I've just been so depressed these past couple of days that I don't know what is wrong with me, and it's really annoying. I keep thinking that I am going to ask my counselor about getting put on some anti-depressants, mostly because my lows are coming more frequently now and are getting progressively worse. I am at the point where I am content to just lay in bed staring at the wall. I am NEVER like that.
I just want to be happy again. That seems to be a recurring theme here. Looking back as far as this blog goes, it seems that I am always looking to be more happy in some aspect of my life.
Tomorrow is another day.
Artemis, Goddess of the Hunt, is off to do something...aluve'






Why Are YOU Evil?


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Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Haruko: It takes an idiot to do cool things. That's why it's cool.

Happy New Year everyone. Did any of you make a resolution? I thought about it...about making one, and then I thought that it would be depressing if I made one and wasn't able to stick with it. I could be like everyone else and try to change something about myself...stop doing this, lose 10 pounds, start working out more...yadda yadda. It's always my goal to lose weight, so I'll take that off the list. I am never happy with the amount that I work out, so I can always aim to do that more...the list could just keep going.
Basically, I just want to be happy.
New Year's Eve, during the day, was quite terrible. I had a mini panic attack and everything. I spent most of the day upstairs because there were too many people around, and all I wanted to do was cry. I hate it when I get like that. I was terribly unhappy. It was even worse because I am at Steven's house for a week or so until school starts up again.
I sometimes think that I should be on anti-depressants, as much as I am trying to hold off of them. It's just that my lows are so low that maybe the drugs would help me just stay at some constant. I'll talk to my counselor about it when I get back to school.
Yesterday was a good day. I ended up going shopping with Steven's mom. She got me a ton of clothes...most of which I didn't need, but it was fun spending time with her. She also got me some hair dye. Steven's sister dyed my hair last night. I absolutely love the colour. It's hard to describe, but it's like a darker brown colour with some red tint to it. It's great. =)
Overall, I am having a great time here. I love Steven's family, and the area that he lives in. Naturally, I miss my family, but it's good to be in a new place from time to time.
Anywho, I think I am going to go. I have a couple of books that are just screaming for me to read them. Artemis, Goddess of the Hunt, is reading until her eyes fall out...aluve'







What FLCL Female Character Are You?


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Friday, December 14, 2007

   Naota: When you're in a town like this all covered with smoke, you forget that there's a world outside. Nothing amazing happens here. And you get used to that, used to a world where everything is ordinary. Every day we spend here is like a whole lifetime of dying slowly. But now Haruko is here. That's how I know there really is a world outside.

My last final was today. I only had two finals this semester: Neurobiology and Ecology. My other classes had take-home finals, term papers, or presentations to do. My last final was Ecology...and it was a joke. It was just so easy. I guess I can't complain. It's weird being done though. I only have one more semester left before I am done with my undergraduate career. It's just mind-boggling. I don't know where I am going to be in a year or what I am going to be doing. Needless to say, I am scared.
At least I have something to do over the winter break. I will be shadowing a Nutritionist for a couple of weeks. Then there will be Christmas, and then I'll be heading out to Massachusetts to stay with my boyfriend until the semester begins again. It'll be a good break, I hope.
Hopefully I'll be able to lose some weight over the break and start feeling good about myself again. That, and I hope to either start some medication for depression, or start to feel better. I don't know.
I think I am going to start starting my posts with quotes. But that's just a sidenote.
Anyway, Artemis, Goddess of the Hunt, should go and spend this last night with her boyfriend...aluve'






What Yotsuba&! Character Are You?


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Tuesday, December 4, 2007

First and foremost, I apologize for my absence. There has been a lot going on lately, and I haven't really had time to take a break. Finals start next week. I only have two, but this week I have projects and presentations for the classes without a formal final. Where has the semester gone? It went so fast. I can't believe that in a few days, I am only going to have one semester left as an Undergraduate. Man...Graduate school is just around the corner. It's a scary thought.
Let's see...besides schoolwork I have been keeping myself busy with theatre and Alpha Phi Omega. Last night we held auditions for our One-Act festival for next semester. I auditioned for a play about eating disorders (imagine that) that I REALLY want to be in. I am also directing a One-Act called "Peggy the Half-Pint Pirate." It's about Pirates, so it can't be THAT bad, right? Nah, it'll be fun. I'll make it so.
I meet with my counselor today. I have been meeting with him every week. I don't know if it is helping my problems. I think it is, and then there are days that I am so down that I don't think that anything can help me. However, I think the combination of my counselor and my boyfriend are helping me through everything this semester. It's been quite interesting. It's been easy as far as classes go, but emotionally and mentally I have been a wreck.
Hopefully I'll make it through the winter break. I am sure I'll do fine.

Anywho, Artemis, Goddess of the Hunt, is off to do her Evolution take-home exam...aluve'





What Power Puff Girl Z Are You?


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Sunday, November 11, 2007

Alice Cooper
So, I have been listening to Alice Cooper a lot these past couple of days. There's these two songs, "Years Ago" and "Steven" that just really get to me:

"Years Ago"
Here I go again
up and down alone
all my friends went home
years ago
All my toys are broken
and so am I inside mom
the carnival has closed
years ago
I'm a little boy
no I'm a great big man
no let's be a little boy
For a little while longer
maybe an hour
"No Steven, we have to go back now
Isn't that our mom calling?"
Steven come home
Steven come home

"Steven"
I don't want to see you go
I don't even want to be there
I will cover up my eyes and pray it goes away
You've only lived a minute of your life
I must be dreaming please stop screaming
I don't like to hear you cry
You just don't know how deep that cuts me
So I will cover up my eyes
and it will go away
You've only lived a minute of your life
I must be dreaming please stop screaming
Steven Steven
I hear my name
Steven
is someone calling me
I hear my name
Steven
that icy breath it whispers screams of pain
I don't want to feel you die
but if that's the way that god has planned you
I'll put pennies on your eyes and it will go away see
You've only lived a minute of your life
I must be dreaming
Steven
is someone calling me
no Steven I think I hear a voice
it's outside the door
Steven
I hear my name
Steven
is someone calling me I hear my name
Steven
what do you want
Steven what do you want
what do you want
what do you want
Steven
Steven
Steven
I hear my name

What do you think? Am I just am emotional head case right now, or do you agree with me that it's kind of depressing? Let me know. It's bothering me.

Artemis, Goddess of the Hunt, is off to do a ton of work...aluve'





What Autobot Are You?


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Monday, November 5, 2007

   It's been so long since I have last visited MyO, and even longer since I last posted. I have been really busy lately. I've been applying to a couple of graduate schools, as well as staying super busy with schoolwork, work, APO, and theatre. I can't wait for Thanksgiving break. It's going to be another Thanksgiving that I spend in Massachusetts. I'm not complaining; I love that state. Heck, if things go my way, that's where I am going to end up for grad school and the rest of my life. Here's hoping.

This past weekend I attended an APO conference. It was a lot of fun...we did some work at the Ronald McDonald house on Saturday. We made a huge lunch for the 7 families that were staying there, as well as some yard work and fixing a broken toy or two. There was also a banquet and dance that night, which was really nice. Our chapter even won an award. =) Huzzah to that.

Unfortunately, I use conferences and just going away like that as an excuse not to eat. It's sticking though...usually it only lasts the weekend. I have not wanted to eat at all today. I ended up having some mashed potatoes tonight because I told Steven that I would eat something today. They were delicious, but I just don't have any desire to eat. I am not as depressed as I have been for the past couple of weeks, so it's not due to that. I don't know what it is. I mean, I am not complaining - I know that I'll start to lose weight soon because of this.

Is that what I really want though? I am happy when I lose weight, but once I start, I don't know how to stop until it's too late. It's happened before. It might happen again. Will I let it happen again? Will I be happy if that happens?

Probably.

Am I happy now? I think so. I hope so.

Artemis, Goddess of the Hunt, doesn't know what she wants anymore.





What Fire Emblem Dragon Are You?


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Wednesday, October 10, 2007

I've gotten to the point where I hate myself again. My counselor says that it's due to a lack of sleep...when I get exhausted, I get depressed. When I am depressed, I feel bad about myself and everything else in my life. I suppose it makes sense, it's just annoying. Theatre is draining the life out of me. The people don't respect me as the president of the club or as the musical director for our musical. I just can't win. I sometimes wonder why I put myself through this shot every semester. I really don't know why I do...I just do. I love being on stage, although I am not going to be able to this semester. *shrugs* Maybe it's because I am used to having a schedule, and that just always fits into it. I really have no idea. I know one thing though...I can't wait for this show to be over.
At my last counseling session, I was told that I devote too much time to everyone else, and not nearly enough time to myself and my needs. I knew that, but hearing it from a professional just kind of struck me down a few notches. Apparently, it's good to have some personal time to relax and just to reward myself, I suppose. It should also help keep the depression under control. And all I need to do is to find some time in my day to do that.
Much easier said than done.
I looked in the mirror last night and hated what I saw. I really want to go out and buy a scale...it's killing me inside right now not knowing how much I weigh. When I went to the health center a few weeks ago, they told me I weighed much more than I thought I did, which was odd, because when I weighed myself at home a couple days earlier, it said that I weighed 6 or 7 pounds less. However, hating myself as of late, I would really like to know what's going on, and know that what I am doing to lose weight and look good again is actually working. My boyfriend and I have been going to the gym on the days that I am not at the theatre, as well as doing 10 minute abs together as well. It's nice to have someone to go to the gym with, and the 10 minute abs really make me feel great...but I always feel like I should be doing more to get the body that I want. I don't feel thin enough, toned enough, good looking enough to have such a wonderful boyfriend...I am just starting to get to a low point again.
I hate talking to people about how I feel because they don't seem to understand. I tell them I feel disgusting, and they tell me that it's all in my head and that I look amazing. That's the problem though...it IS all in my head. I also hate the occasional comment of "you don't strike me as the type to have mental issues" or the ringer "you can't be anorexic, I have seen you eat before."
People don't get it.
Book definitions of problems are only scraping the very top of everything else.
It's frustrating.
I hate it, actually.
Artemis, Goddess of the Hunt, is sad...and needs to go to work...aluve'





What Naruto Character Are You?


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Wednesday, October 3, 2007

It's been a while. I went to see a Sonata Arctica concert last week, and it was freaking amazing. I can't even begin to explain it. I just wanted to let you all know that I was alive still...I have just been real busy lately. I actually have some more work to get to. I'll be back...promise! Artemis, Goddess of the Hunt, has a LOT to write about next time...aluve'







What Digimon Character Are You?


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