Wednesday, May 23, 2007

  I was sunburned today. I was outside walking a lot of the day because it was so nice out. It was actually kind of hot out during midday. Regardless, I was outside today walking in flip-flops all over town. It’s the first time I have been in sandals in years, so my feet are killing me tonight. It was just a blah day. I woke up feeling depressed. I got out of bed, had breakfast, and ate too much, which was my first big mistake. Then I felt bad about it all day. So, I did some crunches, leg lifts, and lunges for 45ish minutes after breakfast to make myself feel better. I then went to take a shower, which was refreshing…I stayed in until I ran out of hot water. Then I went to put on a pair of capris, and they ended up feeling too tight. That made me feel even worse. I felt fat and terrible about myself. It was all because I ate a big breakfast. So, I spent most of the day busying myself to the best of my ability in this one-horse town to try to burn as many calories as I could to make myself feel a little better. Then I decided that it would be a good idea to make some Mints (a type of frozen cookie) for my family, and I ended up eating one, which didn’t make me feel any better either. I am just at a low right now. I am going to be going to the drive-ins this Friday with my friend Ryan, whom I haven’t seen in years, and I am so afraid that I am going to look and feel like crap when that time comes around. Like, tonight Arison and Arion stopped by, and it was great to see them and all, but I just felt like I looked like crap, and was just self-conscious the whole time they were visiting. It’s so goddamn retarded, because the other day my mum told me that I looked great, and that I shouldn’t worry about losing weight. She doesn’t realize that that is one of the things that is constantly on my mind. I mean, that, and how much I miss my Mitchel. I just don’t know what to do anymore. The longer that I am left home alone, the more and more I feel bad about myself. My sister gets to work at Camp again this summer. I am so jealous. Then again, I shouldn’t be, because this research this summer is going to be a fantastic opportunity for me. Plus, I always feel like that when school starts, the people at camp forget about me. They have parties and get togethers, and I never hear about them until my sister mentions something about it. It hurts – bad. I just feel like I am just a Plain Jane, and that I am not really that memorable of a person. I am not a great conversationalist, and I tend to keep to myself rather then be a social butterfly. I am not smart enough to produce something worthy of a Nobel Prize like I dreamed of when I was a kid, and I don’t have enough creativity to write a novel as I have wanted to for quite a while now. I can’t think of any talents that are worthy of any sort of recognition whatsoever. I am a gosh darned obsessive compulsive neat freak. I told my mum about it, and she told me to keep that quiet, and that it’s just in my head. Yeah, and so is the anorexia. I have been told that so many times that it’s ridiculous. How can I seek help if no one believes that I have a problem? I am so goddamn low right now, and I just wish that people could see it. But they don’t. They just see me as the helpful person that can do anything for them when they ask it of me. I’m a freaking doormat. Feel free to wipe your feet on me. Don’t worry, I’ll clean it up afterward. That’s all I am good for anyway; cleaning. What’s that? I have wants and needs? Nah, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.

I always am.

Artemis, Goddess of the Hunt, is off to do…something…aluve’






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