Saturday, June 23, 2007

My sister graduated on Friday. I was so proud of her. The ceremony was nice...a few parts dragged on, but that happens no matter what. She won an s-ton of awards, which made me just that much more proud of her. She told me that our father had called her earlier that day and asked her if he could come to the graduation, and she said that she didn't care, which meant that she didn't want him there. I was fully expecting him to show up, and I stayed for a good while after the ceremony was over to see if I could find him, but he was a no-show. How freaking lame is that? He has the balls to call and ask if he could come to graduation, and then never shows up...man, I am just glad that my sister and I are used to him being an unreliable asshole like that.
After the ceremony was over, my sister and a couple of her friends came back to our house to hang out for a couple of hours until midnight, when they were going to go back to the school and stay the rest of the night for the lock-in. Well, to make a long story short, Tosca and I ended up going to the lock-in with my sister and her friends. The thing is, each senior was allowed to bring a guest to the lock-in, and luckily for Tosca and me, my sister's two friends that had come back to the house with us didn't have guests. It was kind of weird to be hanging out with people three years or more younger than me, but for some reason it wasn't awkward at all. It actually felt...normal. Like I was supposed to be there. I don't know what it was about it. I was talking to my friend Ryan, whom I had brought to the lock-in when I was a senior, and now, three years later, I was hanging out with him again, but this time he was a senior, and I was a freaking Junior in college. It was a lot of fun though. At the present moment, I have been awake since 6:00 Friday morning. It's crazy to think about, in a way. I just had a lot of fun though. I took a s-ton of pictures, which I posed on my facebook and myspace accounts.
There was a point, though, when I was walking around the school with Tosca and my friend Ford from Camp when all of a sudden, I just stopped caring about anything. I just did not have a care in the world. I was content. Completely content. It was the strangest feeling in the world. It was like I was stoned or something, but I was just lacking sleep. Hell, I still am. Unfortunately, once I left school, that content feeling left me.
I have also realized that lately I have been worrying about food a lot more than I have been in months. I am so obsessed with controlling my calorie intake and how much weight I have to lose to make me happy that it's just all I think about. Even when I stopped caring about things in the hallway, I was thinking that I should stop caring about eating too, and just do it when it's a complete necessity. That's a bad way to go about things, I know, but I think that is what is going to make me happy at this point in time. I don't know what it is...I had both Ryan and Brother Dan comment on how I have lost weight, but then again I feel like I have been eating a lot lately and feel gross. Then again, it might have to do with the fact that I am eating smaller portions, but a little more often, so I am getting the same amount of calories that I usually get (or less, sometimes) but I feel gross about myself because I feel like I am eating a lot because I am eating more often. Does that make sense to anyone?
It makes sense to me. I guess that's all that matters.
I just feel so unstable in my life right now. I know what I want to do with my career and where I want to go in life, but the means in which I achieve those goals is a bit hazy to me.
I hate that. Uncertainty. It's always following me. I have also had two crows following me lately, but that is an entirely different post in itself, which I may or may not get into.
Anywho, that's enough for me. Artemis, Goddess of the Hunt, is off to check out some other things...aluve'





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