Tuesday, July 10, 2007

  I'm miserable. What more can I say? I have been eating way too much lately, and I feel terrible about myself because of it. I am needed by so many people that I am feeling stretched. I want to make everyone happy and make life as easy as possible for them...but there comes a point when I just want to say "enough!" What about my needs? Fuck, I don't even know what my needs / wants are right now. I want to find a grad school close to home that offers the program that I am interested in, but I know that's not going to happen at all. Hell, I don't even know when I am going to graduate. I am scared that I am going to be forced to graduate early because I would have taken all of the classes that I can possibly take in my two majors. Then what? I'll have a semester of a break before I can go to grad school. Yeah, that sounds like a freaking blast. I just want to study algae. Is that so hard to ask? I want to feel as good as people tell me I look. I want to be content with staying in the apartment by myself for a few weeks. I want to be able to stop crying and tell people what I think...or to just be able to speak my mind. My mom blames my mood on PMS. I know she's wrong. I know it's probably something else fucked up with my head that I am putting off getting looked at. I don't want to go to the doctor and be put on medicine that will change who I am. I don't want to end up like Tosca. I love her like a sister, and I worry about her every day. I am just at a loss of what to do now. I want something to take care of in my life...something to look after and love. I wanted to get a kitten. I even went to the animal shelter today and filled out the paperwork. Everything was in order for me to take home this adorable spaz of a kitten...that is, until the animal shelter people found out that I was a student. The only way I could adopt that kitten would be for my mom to sign the papers and say that she was adopting him. I talked to her tonight about it, and she seemed okay with the idea, and then all of a sudden, she changed her tune. She wants me to take our cat from home back to school with me. I think it's because she hates that cat. I would have no problem with it except for the fact that my sister would kill me if I took the cat with me. She would completely stop talking to me. I wish my mom could understand that. She was on the phone with me tonight, and she told me that I should know, after 20 years, that me crying to her on the phone won't make her change her mind. I wish she could just realize that I am lonely and need some sort of a companion. She told me that I just need to make more friends up here. That's easy for her to say. I don't want to though. I don't want to let new people into my life when I can't even keep track of the people that are in my life right now.
I am at a loss.
Artemis, Goddess of the Hunt, is depressed and needed by too many people...aluve'





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