Wednesday, October 10, 2007

I've gotten to the point where I hate myself again. My counselor says that it's due to a lack of sleep...when I get exhausted, I get depressed. When I am depressed, I feel bad about myself and everything else in my life. I suppose it makes sense, it's just annoying. Theatre is draining the life out of me. The people don't respect me as the president of the club or as the musical director for our musical. I just can't win. I sometimes wonder why I put myself through this shot every semester. I really don't know why I do...I just do. I love being on stage, although I am not going to be able to this semester. *shrugs* Maybe it's because I am used to having a schedule, and that just always fits into it. I really have no idea. I know one thing though...I can't wait for this show to be over.
At my last counseling session, I was told that I devote too much time to everyone else, and not nearly enough time to myself and my needs. I knew that, but hearing it from a professional just kind of struck me down a few notches. Apparently, it's good to have some personal time to relax and just to reward myself, I suppose. It should also help keep the depression under control. And all I need to do is to find some time in my day to do that.
Much easier said than done.
I looked in the mirror last night and hated what I saw. I really want to go out and buy a scale...it's killing me inside right now not knowing how much I weigh. When I went to the health center a few weeks ago, they told me I weighed much more than I thought I did, which was odd, because when I weighed myself at home a couple days earlier, it said that I weighed 6 or 7 pounds less. However, hating myself as of late, I would really like to know what's going on, and know that what I am doing to lose weight and look good again is actually working. My boyfriend and I have been going to the gym on the days that I am not at the theatre, as well as doing 10 minute abs together as well. It's nice to have someone to go to the gym with, and the 10 minute abs really make me feel great...but I always feel like I should be doing more to get the body that I want. I don't feel thin enough, toned enough, good looking enough to have such a wonderful boyfriend...I am just starting to get to a low point again.
I hate talking to people about how I feel because they don't seem to understand. I tell them I feel disgusting, and they tell me that it's all in my head and that I look amazing. That's the problem though...it IS all in my head. I also hate the occasional comment of "you don't strike me as the type to have mental issues" or the ringer "you can't be anorexic, I have seen you eat before."
People don't get it.
Book definitions of problems are only scraping the very top of everything else.
It's frustrating.
I hate it, actually.
Artemis, Goddess of the Hunt, is sad...and needs to go to work...aluve'





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