Tuesday, November 14, 2006

  I am rather inconsistent with these blog entries lately. There really isn't any pattern to when I update. I am not going to apologize, because I have been busy, and I am not sure how many people actually read this anyway. (To my faithful readers...I do apologize =P). So, right now I am waiting for Mitch to get back from work, I gave up on studying for my Physical Chemistry exam because I couldn't concentrate, and I have a lot of things running through my head. I was just talking to my roommate about how I "slept in" this morning; I normally wake up at 7:00 a.m. for classes so I can get some work done before I go to class. This morning when my alarm went off, I did not want to get out of bed, so I went back to sleep. My roommate came back from PT, and was surprised to see me still asleep. When I woke back up at 7:30, I was completely confused as to why she was back from PT so early. Then I realized that I just turned off my alarm this morning instead of hitting the snooze alarm. I only ended up getting about 4 hours of sleep last night because I just did not feel like going to bed. That worried me, because that means that I am slipping back into depression mode again...and there is no reason for that.
I don't know, maybe there is. I know that I am being too hard on myself, for one. Last night was our voting for the pledges to continue on to brothers or not. When it came to one pledge, there was some hint of him cheating throughout the pledgeing process...and that is far from what our morals are. But, since we do not have a solid proof of it, there is not much we can do about it. I was told last night that I was too passive as a Pledgemistress, and that if I was tougher, then they would have done better as pledges. It was also pointed out to me tonight by my roommate and one of my suitemates that I am a rather passive person, which is something I am not used to hearing at all. I know that since I have come to college, however, I have seemingly become more passive as the time has passed. I let a lot of little things get to me, but don't really do anything about them. I keep a lot of things inside until I get too stressed out because of it and I snap and just let it out by lashing out and crying about it later. I don't talk much because I feel like whenever I have something to say, people tend to talk over me or just plain not listen. I get that a lot. I try to explain something of mine, be it a viewpoint or a fact, and someone will just start talking over me. How disheartening is that? I can tell you that it is very disheartening for me, and that I am actually teary-eyed thinking about it.
That's another suggestion of my oncoming depression. I am getting emotional about something insignificant. Last night I started crying about an hour after our GBM / voting session because I had an assload of work to do, and I was going to have to stay up until 2:00 in the a.m. to get it all done. I just wanted Mitch to help me with my Material Science homework, but all of the Brothers and pledges followed us to hang out, so I didn't get to start my homework until about 11:00 that night. I was just frustrated about it, when there was really no reason to react like that.
Then there's the dillemma with one of my suitemates, and the fact that she is getting kicked out because the other three of us cannot tolerate her anymore. I know that the RA was thinking about having a meeting with each of us separately to get our sides of the stories, but it just so happened that my roommate and I went in for our meeting on Saturday. I have realized that I do not talk when I don't have to in any situation anymore, and being forced to talk is not much better. I just feel like I know that I am an intelligent individual (hell, I wouldn't be at this University if I wasn't) but I am not able to portray that because I keep things to myself. I know that I am being offered a TA position for a freshman biology laboratory...but how good of a TA could I be if I cannot manage to get my point across to a group of friends? How disheartened would I be when they all wanted to talk over me? I am not an assertive individual. I know this. I fear that this is going to hinder me in my career aspirations as well. Hell, I don't even know if I can get the job because my mother dearest took out an extra loan for me for the year that I didn't really need.
I wish I had a pet. For some reason I feel that taking care of something would make me feel a little bit better. My mom doesn't want me to have a pet, though. Hell, I am 20 years old...you would think that I would be able to decide something like that. I just want something like a hampster. I miss having a pet to care for. I know that we have a new cat at home...but that is their cat. It's not my cat, like the one we had put down in October. This cat won't know me...it'll be my family's cat, but not my pet. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but it does to me. I just want something to care for that is mine. I wish I had some extra money to buy one. Unfortunately, I owe my mom $25 for random things, and I want to buy myself an Alpha Phi Omega hoodie, and as of now I don't have extra money as it is...so it's really not feasable right now.
And that is extra depressing.
Don't get me wrong...I am not trying to make you feel bad for me, because that is the last thing I want. I am just venting so it doesn't all stay built up inside of me.
Basically, what it comes down to is that I feel like a failure. I know I am not, but I feel like I am. This week is going to be emotionally draining as it is. We have our fraternity Brotherhood week, which in itself is emotionally taxing. This semester two of our Brothers are graduating, and one of which is my Big. Then next semester is going to be even more difficult, because Mitch and Matt are going to be leaving...and I don't know what I am going to do next year without them. But, I suppose that is neither here nor there for the present.
I know that I have other important things to worry about, like getting my resume all dolled up so I can start looking for internships for the summer and get ahead in my life. Did I mention that I took on another major? Yes, I added Biology as a second major, and I am still going to graduate on time. Basically, what it came down to was that I either took on another major, or graduated a semester early, thereby making it more difficult for me to get into Graduate school.
So, this ended up being a rather long post. I am still waiting for Mitch to get back from work, but he will be out soon. Artemis, Goddess of the Hunt, hopes she feels better soon...aluve'





What Keroro Platoon Member Are You?


Hosted by theOtaku.com: Anime. Done right.

Comments (0)