Thursday, May 31, 2007

i feel so stupid
i never should have put pictures of me up
not even the one i love thinks those are me

i dont knoww hat to do
i really feel stupid


you wanna know how bad ive been feeling
since before then
before i told you i loved you caitlin
i really am stupid

im sick selfish a fool and up for adption as a pet
i dont know whats wrong with me but lately my stomach has been hurting alot and my chest pain is alot worse then ever which isnt exactly a good thing since im someone with a very weak heart from the day i was born my body feels really weak i can still walk and everything just it hurts to bend my arms or legs and i get these really bad headaches out of nowhere and my back is killing itself (i guess) ive been eating less and puking more cuz i feel sick most of the time even when i try to eat something everyone keeps telling me that i look like ive lost weight but whatever im still hella fuckin ugly.



hey who wants to adopt me as there pet

im worthless

all you have to do is pretend that you love me when you play with me

(since thats all anyone does anyways)

and you can do whatever you want with me i dont care

caitlin


i want to just not care anymore but i cant i should have gave up on love when i was going to look at what ive done now i hate how im i think i have to be so uinderstanding of every damn person it gets on my nerves i used to like helping people with there problems and crap like that but now i want to be able tosay that i dont want to fuckin care about anyone



there are alot of people who care about me and i know that but they either care about too much or not enough when am i gonna find soemone who will listen to me for once someone who will notice when im in pain and ask me whats wrong even when i tell them its nothing and to leave me alone they would continue trying to figure out what was wrong where is that person for me ive always been that person for everyone else but now i dont want to be that person im tired of that person that person is annoying but i dont think i can change that person



i want to be able to say what i regret and tell myself im going to die and kill myself but i cant do that i promised myself i would never regret anything but now it seems like too much to handle i promised myself i wouldnt give up and just die i cant do that either dammit but everything is just building up inside so fast maybe i should just find a way to give myself a heart attack that way no one can say i killed myself cuz it was a natural death besides im already killin gmyself slowly anyways by smoking so why not just make it faster



and dont any of you dare fuckin tell me no dont do it kyle i dont fuckin care what anyone says right now im just tired of it all and everything just seems to annoy me i dont know why nothing really feels real i dont know what to believe and what to hate what to love what to like it all just so confusing now



and im sorry if i hurt anyone with this jornal but i just need to get this shit out of my system.



dammit what i just said right there just proves that up to the very end i care about everyone else more then myself why?



i hate this

im sorry for screwing up everyones lives

but i just cant leave

not yet

not till i achieve something in this life for once

but either way

im sorry for screwing up everyone whos ever cared about me

im sorry for screwing up your lives

im so fuckin sorry

for bein such a fuck up

maybe i really shouldnt have ever been born

i hate this shit

im so sorry

i truly am

o my fucking god i truly hate myself
last night there was a party down the street and my friends invited me cuz they knew i was kinda upset from all the shit everyone keeps saying and what happened to two of my friends recently so i went with them and everything and they had alcohol and shit there and me and my friends were sitting on a couch together and all of sudden they passed somethin to me i didnt realize what it was cuz i wasnt really payin attention and i guess it was weed or some shit i dunno thats really the last thing i remember but my head fuckin hurts like hell and i have no idea what happened last night i feel so damn fuckin stupid i never fuckin keep my own promises to myself


ok so yea theres all my bullshit
btw i was in the hospital today
i tried to kill myself
i passed out on the kitchen floor
from cutting my arms with the knife
i was supposed to be usin to make dinner
i ran away from the hospital again though
i hate hospitals
they remind me too many things
my arms arent healed though
jake keeps yelling at me
but i dont fucking care anymore
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Monday, May 28, 2007

OMFG ITS ME!!!!!!!!!!















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Sunday, May 27, 2007

FOR CAITLIN: I LOVE YOU LIL MISSY LOL
Your voice gives me hope. Lets me know it'll be okay. When everybody else hates me. You always brighten up my day.I'd give up everything for you. You say you're not worth it. I say you are worth everything. Trust me this time because I'm right.You have to take barriers that you put up for at least one person. It doesnt have to be me though.how am supposed to trust someone when i cant even trust myself. Before I met you I never knew what it was like to look at someone and smile for no reason. =]

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Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Well Just To Let You All Know
Kyle Is Still Alive
Well I Bet You've Guessed By Now
By The Way I Am Typing
That This Isn't Kyle
And Well It Isn't
Lol
This Is One Of His Friends
And I Had Permission To Update His Myo
So Don't Freak
And Be Like
Why The Hell Are You Updating His Myo
Just To Let All Of You Know I'm Caitlin
Or Formally Known Here On Myo
ChibiFairy
Moving On
Kyle Won't Be Here For A Week
Because He Is Going On A Trip
That's About All I Know
Because He Almost Forgot To Tell Me He Was Leaving
Lol
So I Don't Know Any Details
But If I Get Any Details
Of Where He Might Be Going
I'll Let You Guys Know

Lots A Love,
Caitlin

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Sunday, May 6, 2007

k im back yayz fer me i guess
yea i tried to go see ryan but then i just stayed at a friends house my bestest fwend eva bina boos yayz lol ne wayz yea so me and ryan are back together and everything and i have a picture of him yay for me lol


http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r176/butterfly_killer/DSCF2187.jpg
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Tuesday, May 1, 2007

bad news
omg this is kyle brother again he ran away from the hospital one day early cuz jaydenn said he was gonna kill ryan and his sister cuz ryans sister was getting married to jake jaydenns boyfriend and now i have no fucking clue where he is
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Friday, April 27, 2007

hey this is kyles new brother jake
kyles in the hospital he got in a fight and he has some bruised ribs and huge cut on his left arm he got a cigerette burn on his hand too he was upset about ryan cheating on him and got in fight with some assholes that beat up his freinds kevin and alex for being gay i had spent the whole night with him i just got back and he told me tell you guys what happened and not worry about him that he could never leave you guys
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Monday, April 23, 2007

i guess i was right im truly not aloud to be happy
i just found out that my bf ryan was cheating on me and when i tried to ask him about it he said he ahd tog o i really dont want to believe it but when he leaves like that when i ask him that it really seems like hes hiding something
fuckin screw this goddamn shit i swear
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Saturday, April 21, 2007

adoption
im bein adopted by a new family there really nice i didnt expect them to be and there actually not too far from where i already am so i can still visit my lil sis and hang out with her and stuff ^_^ im happy fro that and so is she ne wayz they have one son who is 13 turnin 14 soon that is still living with them then they have two other sons one is moved out and married living in arizona with two kids the other is still living with them for right now cuz they got kicked out of there place and then they have two daughters one is married lives not too far away and the other is living in La with her bf o yea and they have internet too lol
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Sunday, April 15, 2007

i give up on autumn
autumn is getting on my last nerve
shes seems more obssesed with me then anythig else shes tells me what to do and who i can talk to i dont want someone like that

on the other hand ryan is like the perfect person for me he loves me the way i have always wanted to be loved he never forces me into soemthing i love him so much

and then i just found out that i guess eric likes me as more then a friend but he would never try to be with me cuz hes got a great guy named tyler hes awesome and good lookin too but autumn keeps thinkin that eric wants to steal me omg wtf is wrong with her me and eric are good friends and he has someone already

and then i also find out that the freaky ex gf chick of autumns caitlin i know you know who im talkin about well i found out that she likes me too omg wtf is up with these people

i have all this shit goin on at home too caitlin im bein adopted by another family this suxz im goin to miss my lil sis soooo much and shes gonna miss me too i dont wanna leave
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