myOtaku.com: butterfly killers

myO Still <3's You

Vitals

Birthday
• 1991-02-12
Gender
• Male
Location
• in LA
Member Since
• 2005-11-06
Occupation
• ive been fired again
Real Name
• kyle, patient # 210

Personal

Achievements
• bein turned to half blooded blood sucker and gettin a pet wolf demon
Anime Fan Since
• cardcaptors
Favorite Anime
• hot gimmick_nana_othello_loveless_shout out loud_warcraft_dazzle_good fan fictions_etc.s
Goals
• i have no more goals in life
Hobbies
• anime/manga of course drawing writing strange stories that make no sense alot of the time reading ne thing interesting
Talents
• if you believe i truly have any sort of talents please notify me of it right away so i can make it go away^^'

myOtaku.com: butterfly killers

Thursday, May 31, 2007

i feel so stupid
i never should have put pictures of me up
not even the one i love thinks those are me

i dont knoww hat to do
i really feel stupid

you wanna know how bad ive been feeling
since before then
before i told you i loved you caitlin
i really am stupid

im sick selfish a fool and up for adption as a pet
i dont know whats wrong with me but lately my stomach has been hurting alot and my chest pain is alot worse then ever which isnt exactly a good thing since im someone with a very weak heart from the day i was born my body feels really weak i can still walk and everything just it hurts to bend my arms or legs and i get these really bad headaches out of nowhere and my back is killing itself (i guess) ive been eating less and puking more cuz i feel sick most of the time even when i try to eat something everyone keeps telling me that i look like ive lost weight but whatever im still hella fuckin ugly.

hey who wants to adopt me as there pet

im worthless

all you have to do is pretend that you love me when you play with me

(since thats all anyone does anyways)

and you can do whatever you want with me i dont care

caitlin

i want to just not care anymore but i cant i should have gave up on love when i was going to look at what ive done now i hate how im i think i have to be so uinderstanding of every damn person it gets on my nerves i used to like helping people with there problems and crap like that but now i want to be able tosay that i dont want to fuckin care about anyone

there are alot of people who care about me and i know that but they either care about too much or not enough when am i gonna find soemone who will listen to me for once someone who will notice when im in pain and ask me whats wrong even when i tell them its nothing and to leave me alone they would continue trying to figure out what was wrong where is that person for me ive always been that person for everyone else but now i dont want to be that person im tired of that person that person is annoying but i dont think i can change that person

i want to be able to say what i regret and tell myself im going to die and kill myself but i cant do that i promised myself i would never regret anything but now it seems like too much to handle i promised myself i wouldnt give up and just die i cant do that either dammit but everything is just building up inside so fast maybe i should just find a way to give myself a heart attack that way no one can say i killed myself cuz it was a natural death besides im already killin gmyself slowly anyways by smoking so why not just make it faster

and dont any of you dare fuckin tell me no dont do it kyle i dont fuckin care what anyone says right now im just tired of it all and everything just seems to annoy me i dont know why nothing really feels real i dont know what to believe and what to hate what to love what to like it all just so confusing now

and im sorry if i hurt anyone with this jornal but i just need to get this shit out of my system.

dammit what i just said right there just proves that up to the very end i care about everyone else more then myself why?

i hate this

im sorry for screwing up everyones lives

but i just cant leave

not yet

not till i achieve something in this life for once

but either way

im sorry for screwing up everyone whos ever cared about me

im sorry for screwing up your lives

im so fuckin sorry

for bein such a fuck up

maybe i really shouldnt have ever been born

i hate this shit

im so sorry

i truly am

o my fucking god i truly hate myself
last night there was a party down the street and my friends invited me cuz they knew i was kinda upset from all the shit everyone keeps saying and what happened to two of my friends recently so i went with them and everything and they had alcohol and shit there and me and my friends were sitting on a couch together and all of sudden they passed somethin to me i didnt realize what it was cuz i wasnt really payin attention and i guess it was weed or some shit i dunno thats really the last thing i remember but my head fuckin hurts like hell and i have no idea what happened last night i feel so damn fuckin stupid i never fuckin keep my own promises to myself

ok so yea theres all my bullshit
btw i was in the hospital today
i tried to kill myself
i passed out on the kitchen floor
from cutting my arms with the knife
i was supposed to be usin to make dinner
i ran away from the hospital again though
i hate hospitals
they remind me too many things
my arms arent healed though
jake keeps yelling at me
but i dont fucking care anymore
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