myOtaku.com
• Join Today!

My Pages
• Home
• Portfolio
• Guestbook
• Quiz Results

Contact Me

AIM
• Cahoots34
E-mail
• Click Here
OtakuBoards
• Cahoots34

Vitals

Birthday
• 1989-11-18
Gender
• Female
Location
• Somewhere in Hell.
Member Since
• 2003-08-17
Occupation
• Voice of (Albeit Slightly Skewed) Reason
Real Name
• Unspeakably feminine and overelegant. Ugh.

Personal

Achievements
• you know, I think that whole 'being born' bit was pretty impressive, considering what's followed...
Anime Fan Since
• 2001. Late bloomer, I know.
Favorite Anime
• Samurai Champloo.
Goals
• Create a list of goals.
Hobbies
• Reading, drawing, watching The Daily Show, baking, affecting a semi-political pseudo-intellectual persona, roleplaying, obsessing, listing my hobbies, defending the English language, anything Limewire, ect.
Talents
• Well, I can spew a most intriguing concotion of irate mental vomit coupled with the dregs of Webster's Childrens' Dictionary in an attempt to pacify my all-consuming insecurities by decieve/convince myself that I am, indeed, intelligent.




Jump to User:

myOtaku.com: Cahoots34


Sunday, May 16, 2004

   A (Strenuous) Exercise in Futility
How many things to do tonight? The play and monodrama (accepted into the school performance! ...Yaay.), the final paper (50% of marking period grade!... Hardly yaay.), the science poster (Gods preserve me), the maths essay (Gods preserve us all)... All I really want to do is draw a bit, then type up about 5 fanfics that I've been mentally writing for the past.. 11 months? I no longer know. I've lost all sense of time. And excitement. And reality. The thought of my own death has become indredibly amusing.

I've also become rather fond of that little smiley with the slightly dazed blinking. It's an apt mimickry of the utter apathy that I'm currently wallowing in.

Hatching's going well at the Weyr. Still have time for that, even though I'm losing (gladly relinquishing?) my proverbial grip on reality. The best 'player there (better than me, and named after an anime character to boot. I feel inadequate.) seems to have spontaneously adopted/stolen some other 'player's character, who shouldn't even be at the Hatching at all. My Weyrleader is missing. My Jr. Weyrwoman and Weyrhealer do a more efficient job of running the place than I do.

The only person who I felt to be my similarly-aged mental equal yesterday became defensive under my insults and attacked me personally. It wasn't anything particularly scathing, nor even imaginative; it was simply a maligning of my drawings, which I know are sub-par. The thing that most disturbed me was thatI had never seen this pettiness in him before, and I realized that that was my eventual destination. I was, on some level, as weak as the next human, and progressively becoming more so with my need for speech and contact and acknowledgement. This journal feels good, worthwhile. I would never before have physically needed something like this; my mind, however troubled, would internalize. I've lost that power. I've become open. I am no longer capable of donning my self-depreciating mask to attempt to coexist with society; I _am_ society, with my chatty idiocy and unwarranted superiority complex.

And that disgusts me.

That was futile proof of my point.
Comments (0)

« Home