Saturday, January 29, 2005

Jan. 29, 2005
Just thought I'd update here and let whoever still reads this know I'm not dead. I cut the hell out of myself last night in a bout of very serious depression, but I'm not dead. Nate and I are broken up and I am engaged to someone else, whom I will call 'Lestat' as he would not like me to use his real name. We have an agreement though. Our relationship is very open for now and we can both mess around with other people, which means getting my tongue pierced won't have been a waste of time. Yay for me. Nate and I are still very close friends, friends with benefits, I guess you'd call it. I am moving with my father up to Illinois next month, leaving February 19th. I plan to stay with him for awhile and eventually move in with and marry Lestat. He's really a wonderful guy and is cool with me being me, suicidal tendencies and unusual kinks included. He loves me just the way I am. Yay for me. Hmm what else is new that I can ramble about? *thinks* ah. I got a new tattoo. My son's birthdate surrounded by a pretty lavender heart. Its been done a million times I'm sure, but I love it. Oh, and me is drinking again and smoking, though I'm trying to quit. A pack a day is a bad habit and drinking oneself into a coma several times a week likely aint safe either. I figure I'll get myself all sorted out when we get up to Illinois. I'm hoping daddy dearest will quit using me once we get up there, for fear of the family finding out. If not... I'll deal with it. I'll just move out soon as I can. I'm just getting very tired of being daddy's little girl. It's disgusting and humiliating, and I deserve better. I may have issues, and I can be cruel, but I still deserve better. I don't know how often I will post on here. I haven't had much drive to write, and my bipolar disorder has been making me dizzy lately, spinning between severe depression to happy perky ness in mere moments is tiring. I will be okay though. I've an agreement with Nate that when I feel I am starting to get suicidal, I go over there or call him, and he watches over me. He won't try to talk me out of it, but he keeps me from going through with it, restraining me if necessary. Anyhow, its after 2am now and I haven't been to bed yet so I am going to go. Love you all and Blessed be. ^_^
Comments (0) | Permalink

Friday, October 22, 2004

...
sorry all. been in the hospital. barely avoided getting put into a behavioral center. i slit my wrists again. this time deep enough and bad enough that i had to call nate to take me to the hospital. i think i would have bled out. i panicked poor nate. oh well. im alive and home now and will be back when i feel like it. i love you all...
Comments (0) | Permalink

Sunday, September 12, 2004

09-12-04
My son turned 2 years old today. Today was his birthday...and I wasn't there. How I wish I could have been. I miss him more than I could ever put into words, and nothing helps.
I sat in my room tonight, staring at his picture, and crying for nearly an hour. I rarely cry. I hate crying.
I wanted to stop it but I just couldn't. I wanted to cut, but I just couldn't. I've resolved to just shut down. Just for the remainder of today. If I don't shut down, I think I may honestly kill myself. Because I feel like I can't breath, and I'm in agony. It's weak of me, I know, but I have to make this pain stop somehow. Since I refuse to kill myself, I must shut down. I'll be back when I feel like it. Blessed be.
Comments (0) | Permalink

» Archives