Tuesday, August 31, 2004

I'm Alive...
Well, I'm alive after the hurricane. Our house is wrecked but our lives were spared. I still have to find out whats happening with 2 of my friends but otherwise, everyone I know is alive. I'm going to be in the hospital for a few days I think..... I'm having Nathaniel take me in a few minutes. But, wanted to let everyone know that I'm okay. And, John, please please get in touch.
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Monday, August 9, 2004

Long Lost Someones
School started up again and I have a feeling many of my long lost 'friends' are only now starting to realize that I'm not around anymore. Four people that I haven't seen or heard from in over a year called today. Makes me wish I had changed my phone number. Every last one of them are annoying as hell. Then of course, there's Mason. My fifth call today. I hate that little SOB. I'm nice to him because I must be, lest there be bad blood between us, but in truth I hate him with a fire that could rival the 9th level of hell.
Anyhow, that's enough of my rambling for now. I'm tired. I'm annoyed. I'm going to bed.
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Saturday, August 7, 2004

Nathaniel And Evan
Nathaniel I have mentioned before. He is a very close friend of mine. I met him when I was still in grade school. He's now 21 years old. He has his own place, a great job, you name it. He's really a great guy. We're dating now, and I should be really happy. But, the fact remains that I'm not. I'm confused, and scared; what else is new, huh?
Then, there's Evan. Evan is Nate's little brother. He's 14 years old. He'll be 15 in December. He's really sweet too and he lives with Nate. Amazingly enough, they get along quite well. Usually brothers are always fighting, but they don't. I don't think I've ever seen them fight, actually. They look out for each other.
Well, things have grown complicated as late with them. I am with Nate, but Evan is interested in me too. It freaks me out a bit, now that I know his age. He looks almost like Nate's twin, and I never paid much attention to him until a few days ago. I had no idea that he was only 14 until Nate told me. He looks a hell of a lot older.
Now, I'm a bit disgusted by the fact that he's interested in me. He's a sweet kid and all, but that's exactly what he is; a kid. Nevermind that he's my boyfriend's little brother.
Basically, the whole thing has thrown me for a loop. It shouldn't and I've been told that I think way too much, but I can't help it. I wonder if the brilliant minds of the past had to deal with depression and such? Was old Albert ever suicidal? Hmm...oh well, enough of my rambling. I'm going to get another glass of rum and coke, and watch a movie with Nathaniel and Evan.
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Thursday, August 5, 2004

Fear
I lay here, unable to sleep, unable to relax enough to rest. I am scared to death, and yet I am avoiding everyone, for fear of making them worry. But, I am too afraid to sleep, fearful that I will wake with him in my room again. I am tempted to sneak over to a friend's house, and sleep there tonight. He lives less than a mile from me, an easy walk, and he and I are very close. He knows of everything that goes on in this house, and has threatened several times to go to the police. But, I can't let him do that. I will be murdered long before the police obtain their warrant. I can't risk it. I will find my own way out in time. Until then, I live with the fear and the pain. What frightens me most is how it might end up hurting my son someday, to know what his mother endured; to know how weak she is. I sometimes hate so much what I have become, but I can't change. I've tried too many times to count. I'm tired of trying, and tired of hurting. For now, I'm going to gather some things and sneak off to Nathaniel's house. I will post again when I can.
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Tuesday, August 3, 2004

Don't Worry
I wanted to let everyone who has read my last few posts to know that I will be all right. This is not the first time I have been beaten, it's just that it was the worst beating I've ever taken. But, I'm still here, still living. I will be all right. I will get my own place when I'm ready, and I will be rid of this pain. Until then, I will deal with it. It's going to take a hell of a lot more than a beating to kill me. At least, that is what I believe. But, I'll deal. I'll be fine.
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Alive-ish
Well, I made it through the night. I feel worse today then I did yesterday, but I'm alive. Or, as alive as one can feel after a beating like that. I thank the gods that I wasn't pregnant, because the beating would have put the child at serious risk if I had been. But, this is my life. I have accepted that this is what I have to deal with for now. Well, I'm going to go for now. I will update later tonight.
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tired of it all
i hate my life
i need to get away from all this shit for awhile
i just got what amounts to the worst beating in my life
it hurts to breathe
my neck and head ache bad
i guess if he had broken my neck, i wouldnt be writing this
but it hurts more than anything ive ever felt
i can barely move
in this moment
i want to die
i cant stop crying
i dont want to leave my son and my friends
but i cant do this anymore
i can't put up with this anymore
i hurt every where
every breath hurts and i dont want to know why
my chest aches but thats from stress
im going to end up having a heart attack one of these days
bet my dad will be happy then
then everyone will know what hes been doing to me
i cant believe the family hasnt figured it out
maybe when we move closer and they start seeing the bruises and cuts on my arms and such
then they will know
im tired and i can barely breathe
im going to bed
i almost hope i dont wake up
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Life In Dreams
Bite me.
Bleed me.
Cut me.
Fuck me.

Taste me.
Touch me.
Hate me.
Love me.

Here in my dreams,
I speak these words.
Words of longing.
Words of belonging.

In some of these dreams,
I am the slave.
In some of these dreams,
I am the mistress.

But, I tire of living
My life through my dreams.
While my whole bloody world
Comes apart at the seams.

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Monday, August 2, 2004

Updates...
Well, nothing much to say really. My ex is acting like an online stalker and wants me back now. I think I'll let him suffer. I'm not pregnant, thankfully, and I can go back to some of my old habits. hehe. And, we're moving soon, within the next 2 or 3 weeks, so I may not post for awhile. But, I will be back. ^_^
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Alasathor
Alasathor is a close friend of mine, and he was the one to introduce me to myOtaku so many thanks. By the way, his site kicks ass, so go visit. hehe. http://www.myotaku.com/users/alasathor/
Anyhoo, he's one of my best friends, and I trust him endlessly. He is the one I spoke of in my entry about trust, actually. The one I said I knew from school. He means a lot to me, and just so you all know, to cross him is to cross me. All he has to do is say the word, and I'm there. My loyalty to my friends is endless. I could go more in depth, but not without embarassing myself, so, I will end this post here. Alasathor, Ik houd van u
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