Sunday, August 1, 2004

Single Again
Well, this day has been really fun. Note the sarcasm. The day aint even half over, in my book, and it's been hell. These are the days that always get worse before they ever get better.
I got into another argument with my father. Nothing new, but it still sucks. I'm getting sick of having to cover for him when someone asks me about some new bruise. Oh well.
Then, I lost half of the story I was working on. Nothing big, easily rewritten, but it still pisses me off. We lost power, and I didn't hit save in time before the computer shut down.
But, the thing that has me really pissed today is my now ex-boyfriend. The son of a bitch freaked out, and accused me of cheating on him, then broke up with me, all over the internet. Lovely, isn't it? He makes me sick. I never cheated on him. I don't believe in that kind of thing. It's just plain wrong. But, whatever. He panicked at the thought of being a father. It's the oldest story in the book. My doctors appointment tomorrow will tell the tale, and I'll figure out what to do then.
For now, I am off to see 'The Village' with one of my friends. I have been told that the movie sucks and I am dreading it, so that can add to today's fun. All in all, I'm in a foul mood. Not a good time to cross me.
Comments (0) | Permalink

Don't Play Hero
I get why everyone who reads this wants to help. But, to be painfully honest, I don't want anyone's help and I don't want people saying "I feel bad for you." It's just like saying "Oh you poor thing." I'm no child, and I don't need anyone to pity me. Basically, thanks but no thanks. This site is meant to be more a journal, than anything else. It's a place for me to vent about some of the shitty things that have happened in my life. Eventually, I might even post something nice, some high point in my life. Maybe talk about my ex-husband, or about good times with friends. Perhaps I'll let myself talk about my ex-girlfriend, Tonya, who still has my heart and always will. There are a lot of good memories in my life too. The point is, I don't need help. If I thought I did, I'd ask for it. The cliff scenario is meant to be a metaphor. When I say that I want someone to save me, I mean that I am looking for someone that I can fall in love with, that will love me back. It's a human desire, something we all wish for. A fairytale romance, a fairytale life. It's what everyone wants, no? I don't need anyone online to play hero for me. Thanks but no thanks.
Comments (0) | Permalink

DreamWorld
I am one of the pathetic few that has created a dreamworld to live in. I lay in bed, and imagine that my life is different. I create my own little story, one free of pain, and I dream the waking world away. I know it is pathetic, but it is what keeps me sane.
Then there are the moments when my dreamworld slips away, and is replaced by my memories. I relive the worst parts of my past, and can't run away anymore.
The worst memories are the rapes. I was raped several times as a child, hence me calling myself a slave. I was threatened, told that my life would end if I said anything. What still haunts me is that I remember, in great detail, every sensation, every sound. I remember the beatings, and the realization that I had no control over the men. I remember waking up, sore all over and afraid to move. I've been afraid since then, and I have difficulty trusting men.
Even now, I can't have sex without thinking first about the rapes. And, if anyone hugs me from behind, I panic. I can't handle it when someone sneaks up on me like that. I can't sleep well, when I sleep in the same room with a man, always foolishly worried that I will wake tied up. I've only trusted 4 men since then, and all but one have hurt me in some way or another.
First is Kevin. I met him back in 3rd grade. I was hurting even then, but he never knew that. We became close friends. Then, a little over a year ago, we slept together. I confessed to having fallen in love with him. He said he wasn't ready to date anyone, and wanted to be "just friends" but, he ended up dating my best friend, and they are now engaged. Shouldn't bother me, but it does and I hate them both now.
Mason- My son's father. He is an asshole, in a million ways. He isn't man enough to accept his responsibilities, and he has the nerve to still try to push me into having sex with him, over two years after we broke up. I get so pissed at him sometimes, because he can't take no for an answer. He wants me to go to his house and spend time with him. I don't because I know he'll try to get me into his bedroom. He gets whiny when I tell him I have a boyfriend, saying "He doesn't have to know." Overall, he's a pig and I wish I had never met him.
Then there's Richard. Richard is just cruel. He's funny as hell and all, and has his cute moments, but under it all, he is cruel. He has no care for anyone but himself, and can't understand why he should have to think before he acts. Like Mason, he can't take responsibility for his actions. He is getting what he had coming, but even that is going to bring harm to others. He hurt my best friend too, and I almost killed him that day. In all honesty, if she had not stopped me, I'd have actually killed him, and I am not usually violent. But, seeing my best friend, and ex girlfriend Tonya sitting with a blank stare on her face, and cutting the hell out of her wrist over him...I would have murdered him, in front of everyone, and never looked back.
Finally, I had a friend at school that I trusted, and still trust with my life, though I think I know more about him then he might like. I put on a show for him, though, kept him at a distance. I told him stupid shit about my beliefs, and about vampirism and he didn't believe me. I tried my best to look tough for him, and failed terribly. I do consider myself vampiric, though I don't drink blood. The idea sickens me. And, I am a witch. I wish I didn't act so dumb with him, but he knows why I did it, I think.
Well, off to bed with me for now. I'm sick of thinking for now.
Comments (0) | Permalink

Friday, July 30, 2004

Allow Me To Introduce Myself
I suppose I should tell you all a bit about myself before I start rambling on all the other posts. I'm 18 years old, 19 next month. I'm not about to tell you my real name; I go by Cat and that's all that anyone needs to know. I quit highschool in my second year, because I had to. Long story. I have a son who will be 2 in September, and possibly another child on the way. My boyfriend is a twin, so this might end up being one hell of a nightmare.I'm bisexual, and extroverted, though I do get shy at times. I have a very innocent side, though I do my best to hide that with my friends. That innocence will be the death of me someday, I swear it. That is the side of me that dreams of a better life, the side of me that wants the fairytale; a perfect husband, a perfect family, and happily ever after. I do my best not to let my friends see any of that because I'd rather they see me as tough, or even a little stupid, before they ever see that I am deep, naive, and depressed.
I generally seem pissed at the world, and a lot of that is truth, but under it all, I tend to get more angry at myself, foolishly believing that every bit of pain I've been through, is pain I've brought on myself. I suppose I should explain. A close friend of mine will read this, I know, but so be it. ~sighs~ My past; I hardly know where to begin.
I've never been a child, for starters. I say that because I went from 5 years old to 40 over night. I was more or less used as a slave at 5 years old. I guess, I always have been submissive, but what happened never should have. I was finally taken out of that situation, put up for adoption. I thought it would be the start of a new life, a happier one, but it wasn't. My adoptive mother was cold, and my adoptive father is abusive. Welcome to my cold world. My adoptive mother died when I was 12, and my best friend was taken from me at 13. Perhaps I make too much of it. "Why me?" I think, then laugh at myself for being so dramatic. But, though it is all in the past, it still hurts like hell. People tell me to get over it, but I can't.
Under the mask, the act I put on for my friends, I feel like I am dying. It's like I'm hanging from the edge of a cliff, holding myself up with only my own two hands, and I can feel myself slipping. A part of me wants to fall, and let death take me; and a part of me prays that there is someone out there that can save me. I'm melodramatic, or so I've been told, but I can't help it. With all that I have seen and felt... you would think it would have made me stronger, but I am not strong. I doubt if I ever will be...
Comments (6) | Permalink