Sunday, August 1, 2004

DreamWorld
I am one of the pathetic few that has created a dreamworld to live in. I lay in bed, and imagine that my life is different. I create my own little story, one free of pain, and I dream the waking world away. I know it is pathetic, but it is what keeps me sane.
Then there are the moments when my dreamworld slips away, and is replaced by my memories. I relive the worst parts of my past, and can't run away anymore.
The worst memories are the rapes. I was raped several times as a child, hence me calling myself a slave. I was threatened, told that my life would end if I said anything. What still haunts me is that I remember, in great detail, every sensation, every sound. I remember the beatings, and the realization that I had no control over the men. I remember waking up, sore all over and afraid to move. I've been afraid since then, and I have difficulty trusting men.
Even now, I can't have sex without thinking first about the rapes. And, if anyone hugs me from behind, I panic. I can't handle it when someone sneaks up on me like that. I can't sleep well, when I sleep in the same room with a man, always foolishly worried that I will wake tied up. I've only trusted 4 men since then, and all but one have hurt me in some way or another.
First is Kevin. I met him back in 3rd grade. I was hurting even then, but he never knew that. We became close friends. Then, a little over a year ago, we slept together. I confessed to having fallen in love with him. He said he wasn't ready to date anyone, and wanted to be "just friends" but, he ended up dating my best friend, and they are now engaged. Shouldn't bother me, but it does and I hate them both now.
Mason- My son's father. He is an asshole, in a million ways. He isn't man enough to accept his responsibilities, and he has the nerve to still try to push me into having sex with him, over two years after we broke up. I get so pissed at him sometimes, because he can't take no for an answer. He wants me to go to his house and spend time with him. I don't because I know he'll try to get me into his bedroom. He gets whiny when I tell him I have a boyfriend, saying "He doesn't have to know." Overall, he's a pig and I wish I had never met him.
Then there's Richard. Richard is just cruel. He's funny as hell and all, and has his cute moments, but under it all, he is cruel. He has no care for anyone but himself, and can't understand why he should have to think before he acts. Like Mason, he can't take responsibility for his actions. He is getting what he had coming, but even that is going to bring harm to others. He hurt my best friend too, and I almost killed him that day. In all honesty, if she had not stopped me, I'd have actually killed him, and I am not usually violent. But, seeing my best friend, and ex girlfriend Tonya sitting with a blank stare on her face, and cutting the hell out of her wrist over him...I would have murdered him, in front of everyone, and never looked back.
Finally, I had a friend at school that I trusted, and still trust with my life, though I think I know more about him then he might like. I put on a show for him, though, kept him at a distance. I told him stupid shit about my beliefs, and about vampirism and he didn't believe me. I tried my best to look tough for him, and failed terribly. I do consider myself vampiric, though I don't drink blood. The idea sickens me. And, I am a witch. I wish I didn't act so dumb with him, but he knows why I did it, I think.
Well, off to bed with me for now. I'm sick of thinking for now.
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