Friday, November 11, 2005

Life or Something Like It
Today is weird, it was actually a pretty decent day. Nothing real to complain about, I mean, yea, I was so tired today, but, other than that, I honestly think the day was bearable. Wow, and last week I was gonna commit sucide... It's amazing how bipolar life can be when you're in mourning. I'm suposed to call my wonderful friend, Dani, around 9 PM, she isn't doing well, either, she's clincally depressed, so all I can do is be there for her. Ironically, after my mom died, Dani hasn't been complaning as much as she used to, I almost wonder if she's realized her depression is nothing compared to what I have. Ironically, I hide it when I see sad people. I don't know if that makes logical sense, but I guess it only shows that I'm more of a supporter and helper than I prolly should.

No, I'm not saying I don't miss my mom. Hell, I couldn't be missing her more, but I think I'll be okay. I finally went thought all of the boxes that had all of my moms stuff, and it makes life seem bearable. I still have a lot of my boxes from IL to go through, all of the stuff in my room in IL. We'll be taking this one day at a time. After all, whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

On a lighter note, tomorrow is my uncle's sisters baby shower. I bet it'll be fun. When my cousion, Payton, gets out of the hospital, we'll have a baby shower for my aunt. (I don't know how many people I told, but my aunt was having early labor, once the doctors stopped it, but due to an infection my aunt had, my cousion, Payton was prematurely born at the end of September, and to give you an idea of how premature he was born, he was due around December 14-18) So, I mean, everything's going great with him, it's amazing how much technology has progressed, so now payton can live a normal life. Right now, he has a feeding and breathing tube, because sometimes he "forgets" to breathe, but the doctors highly anticipate the removal of both tubes by the end of November. And he will probally be out of the hospital around his due date. He has to gain a certain amount of weight before they can let him leave. I know he weighs 3 pounds right now, he's ahead of schedule now, which is great. I should be going through boxes right now, so I hope to talk to you all later! Take care!
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Saturday, November 5, 2005

So, what's up?
Today is a pretty bittersweet day, like it seems every day is. Last night, my stomache hurt and was gurgling really badly, so I laied down, and it helped a bit. I actually took Tums, and when that didn't help, I took this medicine that tasted like chalk. So, I laied down, and after an hour I was okay. (This was all after school around 5 PM ish) I thought I was "sick" because I had seen the movie "Surpersize Me" Ya know, the movie about the guy who ate McDonalds for a month. Yea, that was gross, but I've seen worse. Then, lunch being RIGHT after I saw the movie, all I had was a pretzel and ice tea. Well, I nornally love pretzels, but this one was nasty. I found a hair in it and it was really yeasty, so I didn't finish it.

Well, today, I'm feeling better, it's like I never had a stomache ache. Anyways, last night, my best friend called me at 9ish, Dani, she lives in Nashville, TN, but she used to live in IL, so we go way back, but we talked, and I kinda felt a lot better. Maybe it was just talking to her, because I really miss her. I only get to see her on Christmas, Spring Break, and Summer, but since I've moved to TX, I might not see her much anymore. Well, at 10 PM, Wes called. It was nice to get to talk to him, I'm really glad he had my number before I moved, or I wouldn't have a way to talk to him. So last night, all things considered, was pretty good.

Today, I'm wearing my mom's old college hoodie. She loved it, she always wore it, and she was really proud of it, because she got it because she graduated with a Masters in Agruculture. So, it's really odd, but wearing it, I feel a little bit happier, its like my mom's hugging me. It's like I'm not so alone here. I'm really glad that I have her hoodie. I miss her so much.

I'll ttyl, and I'll try to post more often, it's just that life is really hectic now. I've been trying to move my stuff in my new house, and it's taking awhile. Take care, you guys.
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Thursday, October 13, 2005

   The Funeral
My mom's funeral will be on Friday in Assumption, IL, the place where we lived before we moved to Belleville. Since I'm in Texas, and we decided to drive, we are leaving Thursday at like 4 AM. I got her obiturary in the news paper, I'll share it with you guys after it get's published, which will prolly be Saturday or Sunday. I'm grateful so many people are going to my mom's funeral, we have more people going than we have room for! My math teacher from Belleville is trying to go, he is really nice, my mom and him were fast friends, and I loved him, he was a great teacher, so he insisted on going. And all of my friends are going, because their parents knew my mom very well. One of my old friends, her name is Amy, is going, this surprises me because she did something VERY stupid that ended our friendship, before I moved, and we left on a bad note, but neither one of us wanted to be friends again, but now, I guess she had a change of herat, and wants to be friends, again. I'll keep an eye out, and I won't fully trust her, but she deserves a second chance.

So, even though the funeral is at 11:00 AM, most of my friends have gotten out of school for it. After her funeral, we are going to the cemetary, and burring the ern that her ashes are in. After that, their will be a sort of visitation, the reason the visatation is after the funeral, is because due to people's scheduling, and people comming from Texas, Oregon, and New York, it was better for people to have it afterwards.

I really think I'm doing a lot better, and it's all thanks to the many people who have helped me. Thanks a lot to everybody who really tok the time to support me at this time, when I really needed it. Thanks to everybody at MyOtaku, my friends in real life, and my family, you all are wonderful people, and know if the tabels turn, I will be willing to help any of you for any reason. I mean, I really can't begin to describe how awesome you people all are.

So, I'm going to sleep now, I have to wake up EARLY. Take care, and talk to you all later!!
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Monday, October 10, 2005

   Major Changes in my Life...
Okay, when I say this, everybody will think I'm making some sick joke, but I'm not, I only wish it was a joke, I wish this wasn't real, but it is, and I wouldn't joke like this.

On Friday (the 7th) morning, at 6:30 AM, my 10 year old brother woke me up, he said that he found mom an the floor, and he said she was either in a really deep sleep or, he added, she might be dead. I went to my mom's room, she wasn't in her bed, she was lying on her stomache on the floor in her bathroom. I shook her to wake up, but she was so cold..... I can still feel her skin, the coldest thing I've ever felt... I also checked for a pulse, but I didn't find one.

I stood there, in shock, then my brother told me to call 911, while I was on the phone, my 8 year old brother woke up. He saw my mom like that. While on the phone, the person wanted me to do CPR, she asked me to turn her around so she was on her back, I did that and tried to give her CPR. I'm not stupid, I knew it was too late, but I did it anyway. When I was done, I saw her face.... Her face was brused from the fall, and their was blood in her mouth, she hit the counter before she fell, and the rug had indented her face. Her face was twisted in shock, her eyes were squinted shut.

The paramedics finally came after I repeadetly tried CPR, they had my brothers and I go into my room. A few mins later, one came in and said she was dead, and they didn't know what of, but they would perform an autopsy to find out. Everybody assumed it was a heart attack, because my mom had high blood pressure and wasn't taking medication for it.

The poliece aksed all 3 of us many questions, we had to give a written statement. I had to call my brother's dad, then my dad, then a lot of family. I lost it after the 12th call, and the poliece made the calls. My neighbor woke up from the flashing lights of the ambulence, and came over. She really helped us. We waited in the basement for 3 hours waiting for my brother's dad to come from Springfield, IL to pick us up. Also, the pastor to our church came and helped my brothers out. When my brother's dad came, the poliece happilly left. They gave us no compassion, to them, my mom was just another statistic, they were doing what they were paid for and that wasn't comforting 3 children. A few of the paramedics comforted us, though.

When my borther's dad came, he had them pack some clothing up, and they left. My brothers will be living with him from now on.

My mom's bf came with his mom an hour or so later. They stayed with me, then my mom's adopted mom with 2 of my moms friends came over. Then they left, and at about 7:40 PM, my dad came. He had caought a flight from Dallas, TX, to St. Louis. My mom's bf and his mom left, and my dad and I pack some of my clothing and my laptop, anything that could fit in a suitcase. And we went to sleep. I couldn't sleep, I kept seeing my mom's dead, twisted body on the floor. I had to sleep in the living room with my dad, I was prarnoid about sleeping upstaris in my room, it was too close to where my mom died. I didn't sleep well, at all. Early in the morning, I refused to take a shower, it was upstairs, and I wouldn't do it. So we left at 7:00 AM to catch our flight in St. Louis.

And, I'm in Dallas, TX. Living with my dad, step mom, and step bro. Major changes. I'm seperated from my brothers, and fortunatlly, Belleville. I'm not looking foward to going back to that house later in the week to get everything else from my room, it has too many bad memories. Nobody even bothered to clean up the blood my mom bleed when her mouth hit the counter in her fall.

I'm really angry. At everything. Not at my mom, though. I'm mad that the last thing I told her was, "Yea..." she said, "Good night, Paige, I love you." God, I never thougth I wouldn't see her alive, again. I mean, my mom and I never got along a lot, but that didn't mean I didn't love her... I hope she knows that I love her...

I'm really worried about my brothers, though. The 8 year old SAW too much for somene his age, and the 10 year old FOUND his dead mom. I'm really worried about how this expierence will scar them in the future. I'm just so mad at God for making this happen to us, to mom...

Everybody who reads this, I really want you guys to get something from my expierence. I want you all to say "I love you" to everybody in your life, to your friends, and more importantly, your family. Even if you're in a fight with the other person, still, say your true feelings, don't mutter, "Yea.." like I did. Beore you go to bed, be sure your parents know you love them, because they may not make it to see the morning, like my mom. My mom was only 43, she died of a brain anerysium. Anything can happen to anybody, and sometimes we never knew what hit us, sometimes we don't get a warning.

I'm really lost without my mom. I tired to commit sucide Saturday, but a great friend reminded me why I needed to stay alive, and then later that evening, Alex really helped me. Thanks again, bro.

I need to be strong for my brothers. My mom raised me to be a strong person, I wouldn't be the person I was today if it wasn't for her.

You've prolly figure it out. Yea, I missed Homecomming, and I can't make the NIN concert. Wes is sad, but he's there for me. I think our relationship might end, the last time I tried to have a long-distance relationship, it didn't work out... But, I don't really care about Homecomming and the NIN concert, they are just the material wants that made me so engrossed in them that I forgot about my family. Now I know what's important, my family, my dad, my new life in Dallas. I'm gonna move on, I'm never looking back, but my mom will never be forgotten.
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Sunday, October 2, 2005

   NIN, Homecomming, and Life in General
It's been quite awhile since I've posted. Life, that's my excuse, lol. Seriously, school is starting to get really hard, and I'm applying for work. But, hopefully, everybody noticed that I've been commenting more than I have posting. I've tried to get on to MyOtaku, and just comment, and save the posting for the weekends.

Anywhoo, for the many of you guys who don't know, my last boy friend, Kevin, well he broke up with me awhile back, before school started. Thought I'd tell ya, cuz I didn't tell anybody here for an unknown reason. But I'm bringing it up now to save you from futher confusion.

Okay, Homecomming for my *shiver* new school is actually next week. I've got the prettiest red dress and everything. But a few days ago, I wouldn't have considered going. Being new and dateless, I figured I could go see a movie with someone and have more fun than going to Homecomming, but that was until I had a date and a reason to go.

I was in my Speech Prepration class, and He asked me if I was going to Homecomming. I said I would consider it if I had a date, and he asked me. Now he's my bf!!!! His name is Wes, awesome name. So now I have a bf and a reason to go to Homecomming.

And, NIN (Nine Inch Nails) is going to be at the Savvis Center in St. Louis on the 14th, and Wes and I are going!!!! God, I'm gonna love it!! We're taking the Metro and everything, we have it all planed out and we have our tickets, and I love the seats, we're pretty close for the money we paid. So I defently can't wait till Homecomming, but I think I'll looove the NIN concert a lot more.

Wes is something I really needed after Kevin left me. BTW, long story short, Kevin basically broke up with me because I was moving and everything, and he didn't want to make the effort to have a long-distance relationship. But it's cool, I was too good for him, anyways. But, back to Wes. He's really awesome. He's the perfect boyfriend. He cares about me and everything, plus we have the same taste in music!!! (that's a really big thing for me) Neways, I'll stop blabbering on about Wes...

Oh, and next week, at my school, we don't have to wear our uniforms. It's because its the week before Homecomming, so it's "Spirit Week", and it tells people that my school is relaxed about the uniform, and not as uptight and unfriendly as it first seems. I guess it's so pepople don't get the wrong idea about my school... Whatever, I'm just happy that I don't have to wear my uniform. On Monday, I'm gonna wear my fav. pair of jeans and this Green Day shirt I bought yesterday at Hot Topic. Tuesday, it's Career Day, so I borrowed my Aunt's Nurse Uniform and I'm wearing that. (even though I want to be a Forensic Scientist, but a nurse is close and the best I can get) Wednesday is Hillybilly day, I guess I'll show up in a flannel shirt and ripped jeans. Thursday we're suposed to wear our Class shirt and jeans. I still have to get mine, lol. I think they just say Sphmores Class of 2008, but I'm not sure. Friday, we have no school! YAY!!!!

That's it for school, but a few days ago, my aunt, the same one I'm getting the nurse uniform from, well, she went into WAY Early Labor. Payton, my only cousion, and her unborn baby, isn't expected until December, so why he decided to try to get out at the end of September is beyond me. Everything's okay, Payton's setteled down and still inside my aunt, but my aunt is on bed rest until like next week. I'm really excited for her, this is her first kid, and she loves kids, she's always wanted one!!

Anywhoo, I guess that about sums it up for now. I'll try to get on as much as possible, and comment as much as I can. Talk to you guys later!
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Friday, September 16, 2005

   Finally got to posting today!!
lol, today was a pretty good day, it was a half-day of school, so I finally got a chance to post! Yay! Yesterday was something, though. It rained pretty badly in the morning, and I ride the bus, so I was standing at the bus stop for 3 mins soaking wet, by the time I got to school, my hair was soooo frizzy and my uniform was soaked. But by lunch, it was still raning, so my friends and I didn't sit outside *Duh!* Instead, I found one friend, Steve, we sat inside at a table, and another 2 of my friends joined us, Jack and Casey, but we couldn't find Monicka or Wolfi!! :'( It was a sad lunch without them. My week was bearable, I'm starting to half-way like my school, lol. Well, mostly lunch, I have the coolest friends!! Really, other than school, I don't really have anything else to say. Well, tomorrow, I'm meeting Casey, Monicka, and maybe Wolfi at the Itilian Fest. They say it'll be fun, I'm sure it will be, it sounds fun. It's prolly gonna be better than the Greek Fest 2 weeks ago. And other than that, over Columbus Day Weekend, I'm taking a train to Tennessee to see Dani, one of my very good friends. The last time I saw her, I think it was Christmas last year. She's pretty cool, so I'm really glad I'll get to see her. I guess that's it. Later on when people start posting, I'll visit sites and comment and whatnot, I've been trying to do that for the week, but I was very busy. Newhoo, I'll talk to ya guys later! :D
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Sunday, September 4, 2005

   Finally I Have NET!!!
Hey people, I know it's been FOREVER since I've been online, but since I've moved, we just now got DSL, we had it ordered like weeks ago, but the people kept chaning the date they would come to our house, so neways I have it now. (I could have told u ppl before I moved about the detals and stuff, but our net got shut off prematurely before we moved *gasp* so I was really disapointed about that.

And about where the heck I am. We found out days before we moved my mom couldn't leaglly move out of IL (that was an IL law) something around the lines, "The Custody laws for my 2 lil brothers, they're dad wouldn't let them leave the state, so we couldn't leave IL. We are in a suburb of St. Louis on the IL side, and I really don't like it at all. Everybody at school stares at me like I'm some kind of forginer. My new school has 3 floors 2,500+ students, my old school was 1 floor with less than 300 students, so it was really hard the first week (not to mention because we moved so late I missed a whole week of school) So yea, I really wish I had moved somewhere in MI, I was really looking foward to seeing ya, Alex! And it's not like I knew either, as far as I knew, we were still moving to MI, but then like 2 days before we move, mom tells me we're moving in with my *stupid* aunt linda, because she's a realitor and she reduced the price of a house *suposedly* just for us.

I'm sorry I didn't stop by any sites of course that's kinda hard to do with out net, lol. I promise tomorrow sometime I'll check sites out, comment, and whatnot! My only highlight since I've moved: My awesome best friend got to visit me for Labor Day weekend and she's here and I'm boring her to death, so we're gonna watch the Ring 2 and wait for Alex to get online. Talk to ya guys later!!!
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Tuesday, August 16, 2005

   Packing up and Moving
Well it's been raning on and off since last Friday, so I haven't been up to much, lately, I think it's just an unusual series of storms... Hmm, well I know we needed it! I loove rain, its fun to walk in it and stuff!

Anyway, today I officially started packing. I still don't know where we're going, but my mom has promised me somewhere in MI, maybe not roseville but really close to it, or it could be Roseville, I dunno, yet. I'll find out later, but I keep asking my mom and she's like "I dunno, Paige, I'm still looking at houses." So I'm holding her up to her promise, I really hope we move to Rosevillle, cuz then I'd already have a friend, Alex! He's really cool.

Yea, speak of Alex, he mentioned me in his post, so I'm gonna do the same! Prolly around 24 hours ago, lol, he and I were talking on AIM, and it was so cool and fun, I've never had such an awesome and in-depth conversation with anyone like that before! We talked about religion (a very touchy subject!) and then went on to other stuff. He's a great friend to talk to. I'm talking to him right now, I wonder what todays discussion's going to be about! lol
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Saturday, August 13, 2005

   I had a going away party last night!
Yay! I'm much better today, mostly because my friends planned a going away party. Ironically enough, it was at my house, but my bf drove me to the mall while my friends were decorating my room and everything. It was so awesome!! When I came home, everybody was like, "Surprise!!" and I got a bunch of hugs! ^_^

Well, around 10ish some of my guy friends had to leave, and then at 11 kevin left. But all of my friends that are girls stayed the night. One of my friends, Jennifer, it was also her going away party, because in a week, she's leavin for college. But when my other friends were falling asleep, I was talking to Jenn, and we were having a *moment*, which is unusual cuz Jenn is kinda distant. We talked for a LONG time about everything from politics to religion to college. Sometimes its great to know that you have friends who love ya!
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Friday, August 12, 2005

   Always a cloud.....
I want to feel happy today, but its so damn hard... Right when I feel happy, I get thrown back down.

My bf and I had the BEST date ever. He drove me (I was a bit worried as he is color blind) through Springfield and he took me to this really fancy resturant!!! It was france food, I ate snails! ^_^ It wasn't as bad as every body leads on. Well after the wonderful dinner, we went to the park where we met and just kinda walked around and talked to each other. Later, I was getting cold and tired, so we hung at my hous for a LONG time and he kissed me good night and left. Best day of my life, if you ask me.

Then, in the morning my mom drove me to some weird town in Michigan and said we'd prolly be moving there in ONLY a week! I started crying, I had friends, and I had my bf! I don't wanna leave him. But my mom said we had to and she almost slapped me telling me that I was being self-centered. And I told my bf and I started crying, again. I had a lot going for me, I had my bf, I was doing unusually great in school, and I liked all of the teachers I was gonna get when school started. Moving wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't grown up in this town I live in, made friends, and even found a bf that wont cheat on me. I'm really sad and confused. Mom says we're moving because ever since she got fired, she can't find a job and Roseville, MI, (where we're moving to) has a job opening for her. So I dunno what to do, I saw the town and it looked scary :'( I love the town I am in right now, it's my home, and it should be for a long time
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