Monday, October 10, 2005

   Major Changes in my Life...
Okay, when I say this, everybody will think I'm making some sick joke, but I'm not, I only wish it was a joke, I wish this wasn't real, but it is, and I wouldn't joke like this.

On Friday (the 7th) morning, at 6:30 AM, my 10 year old brother woke me up, he said that he found mom an the floor, and he said she was either in a really deep sleep or, he added, she might be dead. I went to my mom's room, she wasn't in her bed, she was lying on her stomache on the floor in her bathroom. I shook her to wake up, but she was so cold..... I can still feel her skin, the coldest thing I've ever felt... I also checked for a pulse, but I didn't find one.

I stood there, in shock, then my brother told me to call 911, while I was on the phone, my 8 year old brother woke up. He saw my mom like that. While on the phone, the person wanted me to do CPR, she asked me to turn her around so she was on her back, I did that and tried to give her CPR. I'm not stupid, I knew it was too late, but I did it anyway. When I was done, I saw her face.... Her face was brused from the fall, and their was blood in her mouth, she hit the counter before she fell, and the rug had indented her face. Her face was twisted in shock, her eyes were squinted shut.

The paramedics finally came after I repeadetly tried CPR, they had my brothers and I go into my room. A few mins later, one came in and said she was dead, and they didn't know what of, but they would perform an autopsy to find out. Everybody assumed it was a heart attack, because my mom had high blood pressure and wasn't taking medication for it.

The poliece aksed all 3 of us many questions, we had to give a written statement. I had to call my brother's dad, then my dad, then a lot of family. I lost it after the 12th call, and the poliece made the calls. My neighbor woke up from the flashing lights of the ambulence, and came over. She really helped us. We waited in the basement for 3 hours waiting for my brother's dad to come from Springfield, IL to pick us up. Also, the pastor to our church came and helped my brothers out. When my brother's dad came, the poliece happilly left. They gave us no compassion, to them, my mom was just another statistic, they were doing what they were paid for and that wasn't comforting 3 children. A few of the paramedics comforted us, though.

When my borther's dad came, he had them pack some clothing up, and they left. My brothers will be living with him from now on.

My mom's bf came with his mom an hour or so later. They stayed with me, then my mom's adopted mom with 2 of my moms friends came over. Then they left, and at about 7:40 PM, my dad came. He had caought a flight from Dallas, TX, to St. Louis. My mom's bf and his mom left, and my dad and I pack some of my clothing and my laptop, anything that could fit in a suitcase. And we went to sleep. I couldn't sleep, I kept seeing my mom's dead, twisted body on the floor. I had to sleep in the living room with my dad, I was prarnoid about sleeping upstaris in my room, it was too close to where my mom died. I didn't sleep well, at all. Early in the morning, I refused to take a shower, it was upstairs, and I wouldn't do it. So we left at 7:00 AM to catch our flight in St. Louis.

And, I'm in Dallas, TX. Living with my dad, step mom, and step bro. Major changes. I'm seperated from my brothers, and fortunatlly, Belleville. I'm not looking foward to going back to that house later in the week to get everything else from my room, it has too many bad memories. Nobody even bothered to clean up the blood my mom bleed when her mouth hit the counter in her fall.

I'm really angry. At everything. Not at my mom, though. I'm mad that the last thing I told her was, "Yea..." she said, "Good night, Paige, I love you." God, I never thougth I wouldn't see her alive, again. I mean, my mom and I never got along a lot, but that didn't mean I didn't love her... I hope she knows that I love her...

I'm really worried about my brothers, though. The 8 year old SAW too much for somene his age, and the 10 year old FOUND his dead mom. I'm really worried about how this expierence will scar them in the future. I'm just so mad at God for making this happen to us, to mom...

Everybody who reads this, I really want you guys to get something from my expierence. I want you all to say "I love you" to everybody in your life, to your friends, and more importantly, your family. Even if you're in a fight with the other person, still, say your true feelings, don't mutter, "Yea.." like I did. Beore you go to bed, be sure your parents know you love them, because they may not make it to see the morning, like my mom. My mom was only 43, she died of a brain anerysium. Anything can happen to anybody, and sometimes we never knew what hit us, sometimes we don't get a warning.

I'm really lost without my mom. I tired to commit sucide Saturday, but a great friend reminded me why I needed to stay alive, and then later that evening, Alex really helped me. Thanks again, bro.

I need to be strong for my brothers. My mom raised me to be a strong person, I wouldn't be the person I was today if it wasn't for her.

You've prolly figure it out. Yea, I missed Homecomming, and I can't make the NIN concert. Wes is sad, but he's there for me. I think our relationship might end, the last time I tried to have a long-distance relationship, it didn't work out... But, I don't really care about Homecomming and the NIN concert, they are just the material wants that made me so engrossed in them that I forgot about my family. Now I know what's important, my family, my dad, my new life in Dallas. I'm gonna move on, I'm never looking back, but my mom will never be forgotten.
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