Monday, January 30, 2006

I take it back
Warning! In this post, I angst severely!

The post before last, where I said the hardest thing I'd ever done was choose a college? I found something harder. Hurting my friend was harder. And much worse.

Originally, I had planned to go to college with Mitzy. We'd go and have fun and keep each other company. It would be about an hour away from home. I know that doesn't sound like much, but keep in mind that I can't drive period and I'd have to master city and interstate driving by this fall. It would require sacrifices on both our parts- for me, leaving my home; for Mindy, giving up a big name college and going a lot closer than she wanted. But we thought we could make it work.

I talked to my parents, I talked to you guys, and in the end, I decided I couldn't do it. I decided that I wasn't confident enough to leave my home, even only an hour away, and throw myself into college as unprepared as I felt.

I got my acceptance to the college I had been planning to attend today, and my friend Mitzy called. My mom answered and told her what I had decided, and Mindy wanted to talk to me, quite understandably.

What ensued was the most difficult talk I've had in all my life. I wound up crying, because I'm pretty sure I really hurt her. And I never, ever wanted to hurt anyone, least of all a friend who's been that good to me.

I know that what I did was about as low as one can go. After all she did for me, I throw it away. She made her sacrifice for me, and I chickened out of making mine.

Mindy's parents are no doubt pissed as hell at me. They don't know why I chickened out. They think I could make it. So does Mindy. They all have good reasons why I could make it, why I shouldn't doubt myself- but I still do, and I don't really know why.

And now I have a decision to make. All Mindy asked was for me to try. Just try for one semester. I have to decide if I can do that. I owe her at least that much. And right now, after typing all of that, I know I should. It's just so hard to make that decision, especially when I know my parents won't agree. I have to make my own decision, but every time I talk to someone else, my decision changes. When I talk to my mom, she convinces me it would be better, safer, to stay close to home. When I talk to Mindy, she convinces me to take a chance, shoot for the stars. It's my decision, though. I just have to make it.

You don't have to give me any advice. I'd appreciate it, but every time someone gives advice, I change my mind. Thanks for listening, if you're still here. It helps to know someone's out there.

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Sunday, January 29, 2006

Animefest!
Went to the mall yesterday. At the store I work in, they have some new shirts with anime-style fairies on them. With my discount, I wound up getting them at 60% off ^_^

After the mall we went to the bookstore, where I had a fun conversation with one of the regular customers and a couple of the cashiers. I love those guys to death. I wound up buying a new Stephen Kind book for my mom, plus Shojo Beat, Petshop of Horrors 10 (even though I don't have 9; I did order it though), and a new one called Sequence.

Sequence was really good. I picked it up on a whim, and I liked it, but there's a kind of mystery going on with it. On the cover, there's no number to tell what volume it is. I'm sure it's the first, but there's nothing to say there's a second. It ended with no real questions answered or anything, so it doesn't make much sense...
So I went to tokyopop, the publisher, to see if there was another volume of it. On their site, the had NOTHING on it. It wasn't even mentioned anywhere. I was on the phone with Flueky and she offered to help look for it.
When she found it on Waldenbooks, it said it wasn't even supposed to be released until Feb. 28th!
So, basically, I've got a book that Tokyopop doesn't seem to know anything about, a month before it's supposed to be on shelves. You tell me.

ANyway, then we went to FYE, a CD/DVD/ETC store, where I found a boc set of all 5 Slayers movies for $32. Not bad, considering you'd usually pay that for one DVD.

So that's been the highlight of my weekend. Hope things are going well for you, too ^_^ See ya!
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Tuesday, January 24, 2006

The toughest thing...
I've ever done has been trying to choose where to go for college.

Just to let you know, I'm not in mental breakdown mode. Just major frustration mode, and I'm getting things off of my chest. You don't have to read or comment or anything.

I have to admit, my parents are being great about my college plans. But they- they're just right about everything when they tell me that I should at least consider what I'm doing. I have no driving experience, and a semester of driver's ed is not really going to help me survive the traffic horror of the college I plan to attend and the city it's located in. And I have no reason to think that I can handle a college workload on top of caring for myself. In fact, so far in high school, I've developed no good homework habits. I procrastinate until the last minute, and hope I can finish my assignments five minutes before class starts. I'm in the top 10% of my class, but my other friends are all in the top 5%.

I've told myself I'll just hang to it with all my might and that will get me through at least a semester, and that if I can't do it any longer than that, I'll transfer somewhere closer to home. But if I did that... For one, I'd feel crushed and worthless, and for two, I'd be leaving friends.

My dad says it's a horrible reason to choose a college based on whether your friends are going or not. He might be right. But I think I'll need a good strong friend to talk sense into me when I start to slack off.

And if I can't hang on an survive even one semester, if I flunk out, then I have no scholarships. I'd have to pay for college all by myself. And I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't manage it. I'd be so lost.

I've never really challenged myself to anything. Any time I was scared, I ran away. Any time I wasn't sure if I could do something, I didn't try. Any time I wasn't sure if it would turn out badly, I avoided it. And now I want to throw myself miles away from home to try and hack it in a place I've never been and have had no preparation for?

I must be insane. I know I'm insane. And I don't know why I still want to do it, stupid and risky and disastrous as it may be.

I'll tell you right now, I'm scared. I'm afraid I'll mess up the rest of my life. If I flunk a high school class, I can take it again, and I haven't lost any money or anything. If I get fired from work, I can find another job. But if I flunk out of college, I've got no means of paying for a second try even if I do find a college that will take me after I've failed. once.

I need to pull myself together, don't I?
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Wednesday, January 18, 2006

*blink*
I posted last night. Maybe you guys missed it, or decided to sit out on the pity party, I dunno. Comment if you like. This is a followup to my last post.

Well, I won't say I'm better because I'm really not. I still haven't managed to get anything fixed or whatever.

I keep telling myself that I'll go and that I'll deal with it even if it's difficult. But at the same time, I know if my mom talks to me again, my resolve will dissolve. I can't hold on to my decisions. I can't be stubborn.

But at least I'm not crying like I was during to last post. Oh, my lord. I broke down for half an hour and was sitting in my room, holding my extra large teddy while I sobbed to myself, "They don't think I'm ready. They don't think I can handle it!" Then I realized that my reaction to being thought of as a little kid was to sit on my bed and cry while hugging my teddy bear, and I realized that I really was just a little girl.

At which point my mom came in and found me and hugged me and told me not to freak out. Eventually, I stopped crying and went to bed.

But I can still feel that mental collapse is very close, and practically anything could set me off and the only thing keeping me from having another freak-out is just refusing to think about it at all. It's not a good feeling.

I'll survive though. Guess that's all that matters, ne?
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Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Falling...
Feels like I'm falling, you know? One minute, I'm fine. Had a good day at work and everything. Then...
Well, start at the start-

We all clocked out early since it was a really slow day and we were done about 15 minutes beforehand. Unfortunately, I can't drive, so my mom picks me up. But since I was off early, she wasn't there yet. So someone had to wait out front with me while the manager and Kelli, a cashier, went through and shut the store down. I felt terrible, because I know the lady had to want to go home. She was very sweet about it though. Then, my manager calls over the intercom to Kelli, "Are they still there?" We could hear her fine, so Crystal and I waved to Kelli, and Kelli laughed and called back that we were. Then the manager said, "Well, tell Crystal to go on home. You can watch the little girl from customer service, right?"

Yeah, my manager called me little girl, over the intercom so that Crystal and Kelli and anyone else could hear that I needed babysitting. I mean, I know she didn't mean it like that. But it was embarrassing, you know? Right then, my mom arrived and I was able to go home. I told her about the incident.

And she ended up saying something that made me feel like even more of a little girl.

She doesn't think I'm ready to leave home. I want to go about an hour and a half away to college. She thinks I'd be homesick and lonely. She thinks I would need more driving practice. She thinks I would need to grow up a little. Not that I act like a child, but that I should get used to being away from home a bit. She thinks that if I screw up, I could ruin a lot of things.

I respect my mom. I listen to her. I take what she says to heart. And it really, really hurts. I know she doesn't mean to hurt me. She just doesn't want me to do something stupid and hurt myself. I know that, and I know she has a point. But I want to be ready. I want to be able to go to ETSU. I think I'd like it there. I think I'd get a good education, and I could stay the whole way through, rather than 2 years at the community collge 20 minutes away, then learning a new place all over and making new friends.

Besides, I can't back out now. I promised Mitzy. She gave up a hugely high name college to go to ETSU with me. And I know everyone will think that's a stupid reason, and my parents won't agree, and I hope they don't see this, cause I know it'll earn me a major talk that I don't think I can handle right now. And I WANT to go with her. I WANT to go to ETSU. I just don't know if I can make it. I'm so afraid I'll screw up. And I know that you'll all believe I won't, and you tell me so, but I just can't find that confidence in myself. I'm really afraid. I thought I had it together, and that my college stress was over, but to hear that my mom didn't think I was ready really shattered my. What little confidence I had is gone now, and I'm scared.

I really need a hug v.v
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Tuesday, January 10, 2006

I'm normally not a purple-haired guy...
I'm sorry, ask shadowtiger69 about that one. Makes you wonder if sometimes she is, doesn't it?

Anyway, things are going... well, they're going, at any rate. We wrote another "persuasive essay" this morning. I hate those. You have to choose a side and convince people to agree with you. But I can never choose a side, either because I can see both sides of the argument, or because I JUST DON'T CARE! They choose stupid topics, anyway.

Then we watched more Driver's Ed videos to scare the daylights out of us. I'm scared enough already! I don't need additional scenes of carnage flashing the words "THIS COULD BE YOU/YOUR FAULT!" on it!

I also have to write an essay today on a book I didn't read. Luckily, the bullsh!t fairy is here to help me ^_^ I find if you use big words and metaphors and other literary devices, your teachers won't care if the thing doesn't make a bit of sense!

For example, "The foreshadowing of events to come can be noticed in all aspects of the book, especially at the (beginning/middle/end). The (insert random object from book here) symbolizes (character's journey of self-recognition/the political conflict of the era/mankind's struggle for [honor/truth/justice/world peace])."

I should teach a BS class... Heehee.

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Monday, January 9, 2006

I'm so scr3w3d
My driver's ed class is going... interestingly.

First thing, our driving simulator. It sucks.

It's this big trailer set up like a school bus, with a steering wheel up front and brake pedals in the floor. In the front of all of that is a big projection screen. They play almost a movie and you have to coordinate your wheel turns and gas and braking with the picture. Unfortunately, it's too small to show the whole movie thing. So you can't even see your rearview mirror. That, plus you can't even guess how fast you're going, since the movie doesn't react to your speed. It's like trying to play a video game when someone else has the working controller. So I wound up going sixty through some residential neighborhood. It was insane. I wound up scoring a 54 out of a hundred. I wasn't the worst, though. Some people scored thirties.

But if you thing about it, if you drive and only get half of your stuff right, you're a dead man on wheels.

Anyway, there's really no point to that rant except that I felt like ranting. *sigh* I may never learn to drive...

Well, I have a book I need to read for English, and articles due for my newspaper class, so I should go. I'll talk to you guys later...
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Saturday, December 24, 2005

Off of work, and ready for Santa ^_^
Thank God above, I'm off of work. It was one freak of a day, and I'm so glad it's over.

Now, for X-mas Eve. I love all my little traditions, even if my family has almost stopped seeing the point of them. I don't care if I am 17, I still wanna hear the Night Before Christmas on Christmas Eve. I wanna decorate gingerbread men. That's what Christmas is to me. Carrying out those traditions with my family.

Anyway, Merry Christmas to all you guys! Those of you who celebrate it anyway. And for those of you who don't, I hope you have as fun and happy a day as possible ^_^

...should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne...
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Friday, December 23, 2005

Good news and... disturbing news?
Well, I went to see the college I plan on attending and I loved it. I got to see a dorm in the residence hall I'd most likely be staying in with Mitzy, and we looked at the library. And just a stone's throw away from the campus is a Barnes&Noble bookstore, and not much further from that is a Books-a-Million. Plus, the mall is big enough to have elevators. The mall I've had for the past 17 years of my life has one floor. So it's pretty d@mn awesome.

I went to look for the layout for the dorm room we'd be in, so I could try to figure out how I might be able to lay things out, and I searched '"Lucille Clement" dorm'. And I didn;t find any layout, but I found at least half a dozen sites telling me that Lucille Clement was the most haunted building on a very haunted campus. Including the official website for the college.

I, however, am brave. I can deal with ghosts.

...


I hope.
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Monday, December 19, 2005

My face...
How's it going, guys? Just thought I'd drop by and say I'm okay, even if I did just fall down the stairs because I stepped on some X-mas decorations and slammed face-first into the door at the bottom on my way to get some Midol. Yup. Life's great at 2 a.m.

Anyway, it was more comic than painful, so don't worry about me. I just laughed it off, which scared my lil sis, who had been sleeping on the couch until some big creature came crashing down the stairs and started laughing at her in the dark.

I work Christmas eve, but only til 6, so it's not too bad.

Plus, we got out of school early because of ice on the road. Pretty cool, though we have to take exams at the start of next year...

Hope you guys are doing okay ^_^
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