Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Falling...
Feels like I'm falling, you know? One minute, I'm fine. Had a good day at work and everything. Then...
Well, start at the start-

We all clocked out early since it was a really slow day and we were done about 15 minutes beforehand. Unfortunately, I can't drive, so my mom picks me up. But since I was off early, she wasn't there yet. So someone had to wait out front with me while the manager and Kelli, a cashier, went through and shut the store down. I felt terrible, because I know the lady had to want to go home. She was very sweet about it though. Then, my manager calls over the intercom to Kelli, "Are they still there?" We could hear her fine, so Crystal and I waved to Kelli, and Kelli laughed and called back that we were. Then the manager said, "Well, tell Crystal to go on home. You can watch the little girl from customer service, right?"

Yeah, my manager called me little girl, over the intercom so that Crystal and Kelli and anyone else could hear that I needed babysitting. I mean, I know she didn't mean it like that. But it was embarrassing, you know? Right then, my mom arrived and I was able to go home. I told her about the incident.

And she ended up saying something that made me feel like even more of a little girl.

She doesn't think I'm ready to leave home. I want to go about an hour and a half away to college. She thinks I'd be homesick and lonely. She thinks I would need more driving practice. She thinks I would need to grow up a little. Not that I act like a child, but that I should get used to being away from home a bit. She thinks that if I screw up, I could ruin a lot of things.

I respect my mom. I listen to her. I take what she says to heart. And it really, really hurts. I know she doesn't mean to hurt me. She just doesn't want me to do something stupid and hurt myself. I know that, and I know she has a point. But I want to be ready. I want to be able to go to ETSU. I think I'd like it there. I think I'd get a good education, and I could stay the whole way through, rather than 2 years at the community collge 20 minutes away, then learning a new place all over and making new friends.

Besides, I can't back out now. I promised Mitzy. She gave up a hugely high name college to go to ETSU with me. And I know everyone will think that's a stupid reason, and my parents won't agree, and I hope they don't see this, cause I know it'll earn me a major talk that I don't think I can handle right now. And I WANT to go with her. I WANT to go to ETSU. I just don't know if I can make it. I'm so afraid I'll screw up. And I know that you'll all believe I won't, and you tell me so, but I just can't find that confidence in myself. I'm really afraid. I thought I had it together, and that my college stress was over, but to hear that my mom didn't think I was ready really shattered my. What little confidence I had is gone now, and I'm scared.

I really need a hug v.v
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