Tuesday, January 24, 2006

The toughest thing...
I've ever done has been trying to choose where to go for college.

Just to let you know, I'm not in mental breakdown mode. Just major frustration mode, and I'm getting things off of my chest. You don't have to read or comment or anything.

I have to admit, my parents are being great about my college plans. But they- they're just right about everything when they tell me that I should at least consider what I'm doing. I have no driving experience, and a semester of driver's ed is not really going to help me survive the traffic horror of the college I plan to attend and the city it's located in. And I have no reason to think that I can handle a college workload on top of caring for myself. In fact, so far in high school, I've developed no good homework habits. I procrastinate until the last minute, and hope I can finish my assignments five minutes before class starts. I'm in the top 10% of my class, but my other friends are all in the top 5%.

I've told myself I'll just hang to it with all my might and that will get me through at least a semester, and that if I can't do it any longer than that, I'll transfer somewhere closer to home. But if I did that... For one, I'd feel crushed and worthless, and for two, I'd be leaving friends.

My dad says it's a horrible reason to choose a college based on whether your friends are going or not. He might be right. But I think I'll need a good strong friend to talk sense into me when I start to slack off.

And if I can't hang on an survive even one semester, if I flunk out, then I have no scholarships. I'd have to pay for college all by myself. And I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't manage it. I'd be so lost.

I've never really challenged myself to anything. Any time I was scared, I ran away. Any time I wasn't sure if I could do something, I didn't try. Any time I wasn't sure if it would turn out badly, I avoided it. And now I want to throw myself miles away from home to try and hack it in a place I've never been and have had no preparation for?

I must be insane. I know I'm insane. And I don't know why I still want to do it, stupid and risky and disastrous as it may be.

I'll tell you right now, I'm scared. I'm afraid I'll mess up the rest of my life. If I flunk a high school class, I can take it again, and I haven't lost any money or anything. If I get fired from work, I can find another job. But if I flunk out of college, I've got no means of paying for a second try even if I do find a college that will take me after I've failed. once.

I need to pull myself together, don't I?
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