Monday, January 30, 2006

I take it back
Warning! In this post, I angst severely!

The post before last, where I said the hardest thing I'd ever done was choose a college? I found something harder. Hurting my friend was harder. And much worse.

Originally, I had planned to go to college with Mitzy. We'd go and have fun and keep each other company. It would be about an hour away from home. I know that doesn't sound like much, but keep in mind that I can't drive period and I'd have to master city and interstate driving by this fall. It would require sacrifices on both our parts- for me, leaving my home; for Mindy, giving up a big name college and going a lot closer than she wanted. But we thought we could make it work.

I talked to my parents, I talked to you guys, and in the end, I decided I couldn't do it. I decided that I wasn't confident enough to leave my home, even only an hour away, and throw myself into college as unprepared as I felt.

I got my acceptance to the college I had been planning to attend today, and my friend Mitzy called. My mom answered and told her what I had decided, and Mindy wanted to talk to me, quite understandably.

What ensued was the most difficult talk I've had in all my life. I wound up crying, because I'm pretty sure I really hurt her. And I never, ever wanted to hurt anyone, least of all a friend who's been that good to me.

I know that what I did was about as low as one can go. After all she did for me, I throw it away. She made her sacrifice for me, and I chickened out of making mine.

Mindy's parents are no doubt pissed as hell at me. They don't know why I chickened out. They think I could make it. So does Mindy. They all have good reasons why I could make it, why I shouldn't doubt myself- but I still do, and I don't really know why.

And now I have a decision to make. All Mindy asked was for me to try. Just try for one semester. I have to decide if I can do that. I owe her at least that much. And right now, after typing all of that, I know I should. It's just so hard to make that decision, especially when I know my parents won't agree. I have to make my own decision, but every time I talk to someone else, my decision changes. When I talk to my mom, she convinces me it would be better, safer, to stay close to home. When I talk to Mindy, she convinces me to take a chance, shoot for the stars. It's my decision, though. I just have to make it.

You don't have to give me any advice. I'd appreciate it, but every time someone gives advice, I change my mind. Thanks for listening, if you're still here. It helps to know someone's out there.

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