Thursday, December 2, 2004

Subject of the Day: Cheating
Let's start here: I sit next to the future gas station attendents of New England's finest truck stops in history.

At the beginning of the year, everyone does worse than usual on a quiz or two. I did: I'm a straight-A student, but my first two quiz grades in there were C-minuses. They, on the other hand got 50s.

While it is not magic for someone who got a 70 on the first two quizzes to start getting 90s consistently, it is magic for people who get 50s to suddenly, five or so quizzes in, start acing actual tests.

Unless, of course, they cheat.

And it's not like I just guessed and accused. I sat there for a full two bloody months, hating myself for catching them changing answers as we corrected them and quietly discussing their actions right in front of me.

And then, on a test, they left an entire section blank each because neither knew anything about artists and composers of the romantic era, and then they copied down the answers in the other's handwriting when we corrected them together.

This was a test that, without having studied except to quickly read over the artists and their works, I acchieved a 95 on.

Well, they both acchieved 100s.

And then, I kinda got sick of hating myself for not saying anything. It's not right that they do that. It's not right that they don't think anything of doing that.

So, I told the teacher that I didn't really want to accuse them, but I was fairly certain that they had left a third of the test blank and filled in the answers as we corrected it. He said, thank you, he'd take it into consideration. I left, and promptly began hating myself for telling on them.

And really, I do feel bad. They shouldn't have done it, but maybe I shouldn't have told the only teacher I know who writes letters of non-recommendation that two dopers were cheating on a test. I mean, they don't deserve their grades, but that doesn't mean I don't feel bad about ratting them out.

The next day, he said nothing about it. He gave a fire and brimstone speech about political corruption on all levels, though, and I nearly had a stroke with the effort spent praying he didn't talk about cheating.

Then, today, he collected our quiz to grade himself rather than have us exchange papers. And he asked them to stay after class.

And then, I started to feel worse and better at the same time.

Of course, it meant that when I got called down to the office, I had a heart attack that they'd come up with a way to get back at me because they'd found out it was me. (It was only my mother making sure I was going to go to work straight from school and wouldn't need a ride.)

(This only began on Wednesday, by the way.)

Then, at parent-teacher conferences tonight, my parents stopped in their to make sure that whole thing was okay. I guess it is. He checked with other people, and my story checks, so I'm not getting blacklisted or anything.

I guess, overall, I did what I should have done. Now, though, I'm ashamed I waited this long ... though, if I'd said anything before I actually saw them doing it, I might have wound up in the wrong.



I hate parent-teacher conferences, since my dad's a teacher. The history guy was just to make sure that I was okay about those kids that were cheating, and the other was to make sure that my idiot algebra teacher knew that letting that girl bum around the class is a stupid, annoying thing to do (They didn't tell him I think he's an idiot, though.) and to ask about the math club that I didn't get to the first meeting of. Math is probably my career choice, and they're so new they need members, so I guess I'm joining now.

The last meeting wasn't scheduled, but whatever. It was the, "I'm a science teacer. You're a science teacher. I like labs. Why don't you do labs?" meeting. My teacher insists her teaching us study skills is a good thing, better than labs (I HAVE STUDY SKILLS! AS IS EVIDENCED BY THAT I DO NOT PARTICIPATE IN HER NUTBRAINED STUDY SESSIONS AND HANDING OUT OF TEST QUESTIONS WHENEVER POSSIBLE!) and that she's old are good reasons.

She did offer to switch me to the other teacher and try to help me get the lab-oriented chem teacher next year. GOOD! Because while I can't really switch out now, a term and a half into the year, I want that chem teacher, who I know from religious ed, more than the one who kicked me out of folk band.
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Wednesday, December 1, 2004

It's December! Only a few weeks till Winter Recess!
I'm having an incoherent day. The kind where, against my good judgement, I opted to listen to Bruce Springstein to avoid the BeeGees and some annoying disco lady.

It started when I didn't have time to gel my hair. I like to gel it: I have an insecurity about my hair.

Then I kept nearly falling asleep today.

I was very slackerish.

And now, I'm here, online with a band friend, ranting about the fact that our fingers are so slow and there are too many thumb keys!

At least it's not a weekend.
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Tuesday, November 30, 2004

The time has come for the telling of a story.
It is not a happy story, nor is it a sad one. It is of the genre that makes unrelated parties wonder why I bother telling it.

On Wednesday, I had to try more than once to get a dial tone to get online. On Thursday, we made no phone calls, as we were away, eating other people's food.

On Friday, I was at tech, making a royal mess of a pair of jeans by sitting in a mess of whitewash. (The jeans would see their end when I painted a basement the next day and sat in a pile of brown and black paint.) After tech, I called home, to get a busy signal. "Odd," thought I. So I called the cell. And whaddya know, but that there was no dial tone at home?

This problem persisted through the weekend. The phone people did not come until today.

Therefore, I did not go bowling on Sunday, I did not go online all weekend, and I did not use the phone all weekend, I did not make birthday phone calls this weekend, and I watched more Gilmore Girls and M*A*S*H than is healthy.

This renders me quite whiny.

SHOPPING! I haven't been in a while ... since last Friday! Let's go shopping! YAY!

I need skirts and cute tops. I really do. I don't have any. Cute tops, that is. I have two skirts. A green one for spring concerts and a black one for formal concerts. Of course, I no longer need to supply my own black skirt ... right, I was right before. I need skrits AND cute tops.
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Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Thanksgiving: It's worth the relatives in the event that they can cook. Otherwise ...
Actually, I don't mind the relatives, except that none are my age. Or female.

Today ... my sister and I were very loud ... we got on people's nerves.

It's a good day for Monty Python, The Hitchhiker's Guide, and Terry Pratchet. It just is.

Except that I got ahold of the new Tamora Pierce book, so I have to read it over the break so I'm back in the loop on Tortall.
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Tuesday, November 23, 2004

So ... I've been in a good mood.
I don't know why. I really don't. I am no less insecure about my cynicism, I have had no great breakthrough in anything, and yet, I have been very content with myself for the past few days.

I mean, I feel fine and I'm actually glad that I'm taking things in stride quite well this week, considering, but when people begin to tell me I'm worrying them, I have to wonder ...

So ... we took our band picture for the BOA program. Well ... if we look very uncomfortable and squished, that's because we are.

I mean, sure, it's one thing to poke people and all, it's another to forget your shoes and open the door between the band room and the gym (where there are people who don't know that no one in band cares) and walk in on 40 girls in various stages between scrubs and formal dresses. Of course, because of who it was, no one cared, but God ... (I never liked him. He once stole my bocal, thinking it was the other girl's and that to put someone in a state of panic along the lines of "OH MY GOD, I OWE THE SCHOOL $200 FOR A FOOT OF METAL PIPING!" might be amusing. But he's an idiot.)

Our picture is tragic. It was taken in our auditorium, to be torn down this year. We look so unnatural, since we are one of those groups of people who have to be threatened to get into formal wear.

And how sad is it that I, a girl, know what a cummerbund is for better than the guys in band? Not only did most not realize that they needed one to go along with their tuxes, but once they were issued cummerbunds today, several had problems with where to put them.

Apparently, cummerbunds are an institution for dinner parties, to catch crumbs in the folds and keep you looking fresh.

But I digress. Our picture will look sad. Also squished.
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Monday, November 22, 2004

The Eagles are my new favorite band.

I have been astonishingly peppy today ...

I just watched "Searching for David's Heart." It was very sad, but I can't help but think of Delmar in "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" saying, "They done left his beatin' h-heart ..."

I love "O Brother."
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Sunday, November 21, 2004

Well, now I know what's wrong ...
Usually, I find that if I heap enough sarcasm into my life, no one notices I'm not myself; they expect sarcasm. But this is just so nice of her, that's not going to work.

You know, I made an awesome effort to be nice to her on Friday. And she acknowledged my presence and gave me a call that night while I was at tech, so I thought maybe things were going to be okay again.

And, on a trip to the mall with my oldest friends ever, I mentioned this, because while they don't like her, they do care about me.

Well, I made a few efforts to call her back, to prove I wanted to reconcile, and you know what the call turned out to be?

When we finally communicated while I was making mac and cheese, I received the WE SHOULDN'T BE FRIENDS ANYMORE EVER call.

And you know what? I still had to ask explicitly to find out why.

I make her feel stupid. I make her feel down. I upset her in general. I tick her off. I blow her off. I don't share with her the way she shares with me.

In my defense: I am a smart person, and she is constantly asking for my grades. I am a pessimist and a cynic, and I have been this way forever. She knows I do things, yet she calls me most nights, multiple times on weekends, each time asking I get back to her, despite that I have all my band, work, and tech obligations, plus I need to eat and sleep. I don't share with people all my hopes, dreams, aspirations, worries, and hurts, chiefly because I do not have any/make them up. I AM INCAPABLE OF BEING THE ULTIMATE IN A SUPPORTIVE FRIEND. But we all have faults.

Needless to say, I am angry.

However, she brought out a charming flaw in character on this call. One I am rather resentful of.

Apparently, her best friend who moved away has refused to talk to her in months. No fight, no nothing, just end of communication. This was a great emotional hurt to her.

So ... she does this to me?

I realize we were never best friends, but still, that's real nice of her.

(And being the snit I am, I mentioned this to her. A bad move, but I was mad.)

So, at CCD, another girl, in front of all my friends, the ones who've stuck by me through everything, that I expressed my high hopes to at the mall last night, goes, "So you and (her) are officially not friends anymore. She told me."

Thanks a ton. And being as creative as I am, I was more cynical than usual, so now everyone knows I'm angry.

And furthermore, she said, "I think it's nice of her to tell you."

It might be, if it weren't that I had to ask to get her to tell me her issue and that the reason is she "can't have friends who aren't going to be completely supportive of" her.

And you'd think, with all her melodramas and issues, she'd want all the friends she can get. Because I'm sure that dumping me will have lost her one other friend.

But the worst part is, I have a closest friend ever who moved very far away, and I've kind of been terrified of just losing her as a friend since, and now I'm worried that I'm holding her back by calling, so she'll do the same thing. I talked to her this afternoon, and she was all herself and inquired about the other girls and everything, so I feel a little better.

On the bright side ... I have the new Alice 19th and Ceres, and I've had a chance to do some reading, and all my old friends and I are reconciled and have found a way to get along even though we never see eachother.
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Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Heheh, "Smells Like a Wandering Spirit" was on yesterday. That and the one that'll be on tonight, "Raindrops," are my fav pre-plot WHR eps.
Raindrops is the creepy one with the dolls that stalk Amon.

So ... my back really hurts. Ow.

And my friend is mad at me, and we've not spoken since Friday. So, partly because I'm starting to feel bad and partly because another friend is being driven insane listening to how "evil" I am, I tried to reconcile, but she blew me off, and made some comment about how serious our spat is. As far as I can tell, the spat was: I was ticked that she volunteered my free day to start writing club, and I wasn't all that supportive of that morning's melodrama. I think I may have missed something ...

On the bright side of things ... the library gave me NGE set 5! Only 4 more to go, I think!

Well, now that my Spanish teacher is back from maternity leave, I have realized that, in addition to everyone else, my Spanish teacher sucks.

OBSERVATION OF THE DAY: People don't have charming idiocincracies anymore. Instead, they have personality disorders.
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Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Thanks for the hugs, patience, and the sentiment that went with the drugs ... (I should have mentioned that I had a railroad spike headache, not a random need for acetaminophen ...)

Yesterday might have been a lot nicer if I could have gotten a hug from a girlfriend of mine that morning, but she was absent because she had surgery in a rather embarassing place this weekend and wasn't up to sitting through class. She was back today, and she's always so nice to talk to. It always makes me feel better.

But I digress.

On multiple occassions, acquaintances have expressed the notion that I would make a good psychologist. I have no idea where this idea comes from. Yes, I am one of those lucky people on whom others like to unburden themselves, but I think this is because I have a tendency to hang around on the corners of people's lives, not because I am wonderful to talk to. I was reading an article about being desensitized by the media, and I think I have the bystander syndrome (the one where, rather than thinking people are out to get you or that you have to get people, that all the violence makes you pretty apathetic), which makes it even weirder. Unless my apathy comes off as unwillingness to judge. I don't get it! People come to me with stuff, but I never help them, I just come up with really good ideas not to do. And the one time I was right ("WHY are you going out with him??? DUMP HIM!"), I was ignored. (The relationship ended int eh guy dumping her online, but she thought it wa a fitting end to the whole thing and was overjoyed, and we all laughed heartily at this poor idiot.)

I mean, I think psychology is intersting, but I never think of the same motives as other people. When people reach a consensus in English or history as to motives, I almost never agree with them. I'm always the person with a slightly different idea. I could ruin a patient's life with that! And who wants to go to school long enough for that??? I wanna be an actuary!

Not that any of these people can tell me what to do with my life, but it kinda scares me that while other people have an impression, when people ask me what I want to do when I get out of school, I say, "Math," and seriously have no clue beyond that. Also, because of band, I can't take both an extra math and a psychology course while my education is free to see which one I like if I want to do chorus. (And I do, because music is my outlet and I get stressed out ...)

I dunno. I never would have even thought of psychology if people I'm only an acquaintance with didn't keep telling me they think I could be one.

Too bad I hate listening to people's problems and being expected to have answers. But then, if the psychologist magically knew answers, what's the point?

I should really find out how shrinks work.
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Monday, November 15, 2004

I'm having an insecurity complex.
I realize I'm not cool or popular or really all that nice a person, but you'd think people would hang out with me more.

Right now, all I really want is a hug.

And some Tylenol.
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