Tuesday, August 10, 2004

“It’s been a long hard road without you by my side … it’s not okay …” –good charlotte (ack! male vocalists!), ‘emotionless’
Um, kinda confused.

It’s like, we used to be part of this really close-knit group of girlfriends with these four other girls. We were friends with this girl, “Annie,” from back in kindergarten, then these other two girls, “Becky” and “Christy,” since about second grade, and then the group spread to include “Debbie” in fifth. (We’re all entering tenth now.) And like we said, we were all really close and had the same interests and saw each other everyday until the end of sixth grade.

In seventh, when we all entered the regional junior high. They had a team system at that time, where all the band kids were on one team, and the rest were distributed across the other teams. Well, as band members, Annie, Becky, and we were all on the same team, and Christy and Debbie were each on separate teams. Different teams means a different set of teachers, and all the same 100 kids in your classes (there were about 400 kids, 100 per team). So, Annie, Becky, and we got closer, Becky made a few more soccer friends from the other towns, and Annie and we found a few other band friends and stuff. Debbie made other friends, but stayed close (we held monthly sleepovers). Christy started drifting, making preppy friends, stuff like that.

At the end of seventh, they have a cookout thing at the lake. Annie was home sick, Debbie (being very social) stalked some guys and visited with all her friends, and Becky and we hung out. Christy hung with her new buddies. Now, Becky and we were too nice to get rid of this overweight, none-too-bright girl who kinda hangs around with us sometimes because she doesn’t have a lot of friends and we tolerate her until she’s being particularly clueless and obnoxious. She’s clueless, but she’s not that bad. Well, when we couldn’t find Debbie and went to go say hi to Christy, she took Becky and we aside to tell us she felt that since we were with this girl, we were ruining her “image.” She asked us to stop coming over while she was with her friends (whom Debbie named the “Polka Dot Twins” because they had a conniption after she accidentally got some sand on them because it might make their tans uneven). Debbie was mad, Becky was mad, we were mad, and when Annie found out, she was mad.

But Christy’s always been a little crazy, so while we were mad, we stayed friends because that how it is with her. In eighth grade, we were all kinda hanging with broader groups, but we didn’t get much worse. Until about May, when Debbie, Becky, Annie, and we were all on the same plane to DC for our field trip. So, right in the middle of the airport at 4 am, while we’re telling band jokes with friends and trying to force this guy to read a Cowboy Bebop Shooting Star manga and the other idiocy that goes on in an airport only occupied by 50 or so 13 year olds, Annie announces that her dad finally found a job, but she’s moving to Minnesota.

And after a long summer of sleepovers, she did. Annie was in Minnesota, Becky was on the soccer team with those girls, Christy was only there for her techie friends, Debbie was the same as ever, and we got really close to this girl, “Emma.”

And that’s kinda where it starts. Annie didn’t make friends for the longest time, and we all just sat around worrying. We’d call her, she’d be happy to hear from us, and she’d never call us.She visited twice since, and we guess she made a few friends. Becky hangs with these soccer friends we can’t stand, but she thinks that us having other friends is a crime (she also thinks we like her soccer friends and her having them is fine in comparison). Christy, we barely saw. She started hanging with only her techie friends and pretty well ditched us all year. She says she’s sorry and to let her know if we feel ditched again, but she’s crazy, so who knows. Debbie’s still the same. She gets angry all the time, but she’s friends with everyone in between. And Emma and we are really close. We have all the same interests, the same classes, everything.

So … if anyone cares, cuz we realize these are kinda minor issues, but we get really upset about them sometimes …

Annie and we were really close friends for years. But she never calls, never emails, is never online. She likes talking to us, be we have to initiate it. We wish she’d go make a close friend so we don’t have to worry constantly, but she didn’t even make an effort the first six months.

And Emma’s so much like her. We feel so bad when we don’t make the long distance call, but tell Emma the next day at school instead. Emma and Annie are a lot alike, and Emma and we got really close this year, because our closest friend moved to Minnesota and hers started going to the agricultural school. Since Annie and Emma’s friend were friends, but Emma and we weren’t part of that friendship but knew each other because of it, we got close. And sometimes, we really get kinda scared we’re closer to Emma than we were to Annie. Or that Annie doesn’t call because she doesn’t want to. And we know those are kinda stupid concerns, but whatever. We really love Annie (not like that – like that bond that girls forge), and we really miss her and she never calls or anything. And she’s probably the only person we had that bond with, but we think that somewhere along the way, we built it with Emma. And that makes us feel bad too, cuz it took Annie and we years, and Emma and we just one.

But Emma gets depressed a lot, and we don’t know what to do about it. We don’t know why, other than the one word explanations of either “Mother,” “Dad,” “sister,” or “nature.” That’s not much to go on, either. We just kinda don’t like it. We mean, the two of us have seen various people go to therapy and suggested it to others, but we don’t really know if that’s what would be good for her. It’s not like she gets dangerous … she just stops talking and gets really irritated.

(We had problems with Becky earlier, since she didn’t like us having friends outside our little clique, but she had all hers that she expected us to accept. We think we’re okay now. She’s stopped criticizing them and we tolerate her soccer friends, at least. Christy’s been Christy forever, and she’ll stay Christy. And there’ll be more problems. But she’s crazy, like we said. She’ll contradict herself as many times as it takes to keep us all friends. As Debbie put it once, “I go over to tell her off, and I can’t do it, she distracts me and I end up laughing and come back, then get even more mad because I didn’t tell her, and then she does it again!” It’s always like that. We fight, the fighting stops, nothing is solved, and months or sometimes even years later, we fight about it again. Debbie’s too hard to have problems with. She gets mad and hates people, she tells them as much, but whatever’s wrong is out there and it only lasts until someone else makes her mad.)

But Annie and Emma make us worry. It’s hard to explain, but since Annie moved, we’ve been so scared she’ll go drift off and we’ll completely forget each other. And since Emma, we’ve seen it could happen, but we’d be the one to do it. And then Christy’s last Issue of the Week was Annie-never-calls-but-gets-mad-when-you-don’t-so-I’m-not-prolonging-a-doomed-friendship-that’s-it-for-us. We dunno, it’s just one of those thing we need to get out there.

And then there's the fact that our friends can't always make up their minds on what their orientation is ... one day, this one friend has a girlfriend, the next it's a guy and she never went through a bi stage ... that's kinda disconcerting to us ... it's not like we're against it, but when it's your own huggy-touchy-feely-"Love ya!" friends, it's kinda one of those things you want to know.

Sorry. If anyone wants the usual thing … We did a lot of painting. We read a ton of She’s Come Undone as well. If anyone knows any other good books along the lines of She’s Come Undone, White Oleander, and A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, care to share? Or good new fantasy/scifi ...
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