Sunday, November 21, 2004

Well, now I know what's wrong ...
Usually, I find that if I heap enough sarcasm into my life, no one notices I'm not myself; they expect sarcasm. But this is just so nice of her, that's not going to work.

You know, I made an awesome effort to be nice to her on Friday. And she acknowledged my presence and gave me a call that night while I was at tech, so I thought maybe things were going to be okay again.

And, on a trip to the mall with my oldest friends ever, I mentioned this, because while they don't like her, they do care about me.

Well, I made a few efforts to call her back, to prove I wanted to reconcile, and you know what the call turned out to be?

When we finally communicated while I was making mac and cheese, I received the WE SHOULDN'T BE FRIENDS ANYMORE EVER call.

And you know what? I still had to ask explicitly to find out why.

I make her feel stupid. I make her feel down. I upset her in general. I tick her off. I blow her off. I don't share with her the way she shares with me.

In my defense: I am a smart person, and she is constantly asking for my grades. I am a pessimist and a cynic, and I have been this way forever. She knows I do things, yet she calls me most nights, multiple times on weekends, each time asking I get back to her, despite that I have all my band, work, and tech obligations, plus I need to eat and sleep. I don't share with people all my hopes, dreams, aspirations, worries, and hurts, chiefly because I do not have any/make them up. I AM INCAPABLE OF BEING THE ULTIMATE IN A SUPPORTIVE FRIEND. But we all have faults.

Needless to say, I am angry.

However, she brought out a charming flaw in character on this call. One I am rather resentful of.

Apparently, her best friend who moved away has refused to talk to her in months. No fight, no nothing, just end of communication. This was a great emotional hurt to her.

So ... she does this to me?

I realize we were never best friends, but still, that's real nice of her.

(And being the snit I am, I mentioned this to her. A bad move, but I was mad.)

So, at CCD, another girl, in front of all my friends, the ones who've stuck by me through everything, that I expressed my high hopes to at the mall last night, goes, "So you and (her) are officially not friends anymore. She told me."

Thanks a ton. And being as creative as I am, I was more cynical than usual, so now everyone knows I'm angry.

And furthermore, she said, "I think it's nice of her to tell you."

It might be, if it weren't that I had to ask to get her to tell me her issue and that the reason is she "can't have friends who aren't going to be completely supportive of" her.

And you'd think, with all her melodramas and issues, she'd want all the friends she can get. Because I'm sure that dumping me will have lost her one other friend.

But the worst part is, I have a closest friend ever who moved very far away, and I've kind of been terrified of just losing her as a friend since, and now I'm worried that I'm holding her back by calling, so she'll do the same thing. I talked to her this afternoon, and she was all herself and inquired about the other girls and everything, so I feel a little better.

On the bright side ... I have the new Alice 19th and Ceres, and I've had a chance to do some reading, and all my old friends and I are reconciled and have found a way to get along even though we never see eachother.
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