Saturday, December 18, 2004

Numb
I'm really depressed right now. I mean, I am a bubble I know, but hey, even bubble's get depressed. It's just this whole thing with my dad. He wants me to be another him. He even told me that. But I want to be my own person! I WANT TO BE AN INDIVIDUAL! I'm tired of people wanting me to be perfect. Just because I have gifts for school. Gifts of talent for art. Gifts for singing... Like they all think I have gifts for everything possible in the WORLD! BUT I DON'T! He pushes me more and more to exceed my limit. Pushing more over the limit and like once before, over the cliff. I'm listening to the song NUMB by Likin Park and not only does it suit my mood, but if anyone REALLY wants to know what it's almost like to be me, can see it in the song. Sure I make act all happy, but that's only when I know I have a false sense of security. No one's safe. EVER. People will push you to no end. But I keep getting pushed and my dad won't stop! "Your word is everything..." "If your not fufilling your word, your bullshit. That's all you are, BULLSHIT!" Is that what I am to you dad.... BULLSHIT?! FINE! I AM OK! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! HUH?

He expects me to change to be like him. I don't want to be him! He can't see that I want to be my own person! His disapointment is me is pushing me harder. I just want to be accepted by him! That's what I need. From anyone, just to be accepted. It's just not fair. Nothing can make ME happier than just being accepted. I finaly found acceptance at school. How I LONGED for that acceptance by A GROUP OF PEOPLE! They don't care that I love anime to an extent. They don't care that I may fail. They just she that I'm a fun person around and shit. But no one knows how I really am inside. My father will NEVER learn. He is too blind...

"All you think about is what's GOOD FOR YOU! YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYONE ELSE!"

Well father... I give.. I give and give and give to everyone. I give my all... 200% and more of me to people. even you... Then you, yes you, told me that I should have some priorities too. Well, I took your advice... Like always. And then you yell at me for being so selfish! I don't get it. I'm so confused. I'm tired of being what you want me to be. Can you see? no, you can't. You'll NEVER SEE. Everything I do to try and make you happy, I always fail. Why do I fail? Because you push me to no end!

I want to cut so bad... I've had this craving since forever... Ever since I got help... I was better for a whole summer... I kept on thinking that I was better. But forever, I will ALWAYS be a cutter. This lable will live with me forever. It's not a curse, yet's it's not a gift. I'm falling again and I can't catch myself. My breath is gone and I can't get it back.
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Wednesday, December 15, 2004

   OH GOD!
The Class is going out of control! We're decorating the room for this contest thing for school and all the guys are FSCKING PISSING ME OFF! Their being morons and shit. ARGH! *hits them with banana shaped frying pan* BWAHAHA! TAKE THAT BAKA! BWAHAHAHAHA! *runs around going crazy then falls on face*.......... ow......... *gets up* N-EWAYS, the room looks really good. Streamers everywhere! ^^ WOO! *runs around with streamers, class joins in, does little ritual dance and brings santa back from the dead* BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ^^ Now we get prestents from a zombie! lol, anyways, ya. Random post! ^^
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Monday, December 13, 2004

   Whoah...
WAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! *cries, sobs* My friend Yuki hasn't called me since FOREVVEEEEEER! =(
Tis not faiwr. But at least I'm going to see a movie with Alex! WOOT! ^^ Could be considered a "date" >_> EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! *bounces off walls* KIAAA! ^^ THEN! On SATURDAY! I WAS INHAILING HELIUM! AND I SOUNDED LIKE A MUNCHKIN! ^^ Man... I'm a helium addict. ^^; WOOOOOOT! I love helium. And Alex does too! ^^ *dies dies of excitment* Yes.. there was purposely suppossed to be 2 dies. ^^; But anyways, I'm gonna try and get a pic of mee upp all christmassy....>_> hehehehe... The only thing good about christmas is giving out the "greetings"....BWAHAHAHAHA! But anyways, have to finish the rest of class now (I'm in comp class) LATER! ^^
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Tuesday, December 7, 2004

   Kekekekeke!
Eeee! I so happy! Ok. I was talking to my crush last night and I finally told him how I feeled about him. XD Oh God I don't know how he feels but I'm SOO off the hook! ^^ He's so shexy. XD Well, I think so anyways. ^^ But all I know is that he said "Maybe" if he likes me. I know I shouldn't be this happy but hey, at least it's not a no! ^^
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Monday, December 6, 2004

   Gomen
Ack.. soo busy with school and drawing and reading and writing and commisions and it's all going into one big blob! *cries in corner* Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. It's not fair. ugh.... I'm so tired. Meh... i live to draw. and write. and do homework. and to read and buy new manga's and work. ugh... i don't want too much of a social life. I need a job. X|
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Friday, November 5, 2004

   Geez...
I'm in computer class right now and I'm SOO bored. I have a headache, I'm hungry, I want candy, I'm grumpy, and I am very gothic mad + sad. I'm mad cause this class is so bloody loud and I'm sad cause of the Kara and Manda thing still. I'm really sad. I keep having dreams that I commit suicide for them. They find my body, then their shocked but all they do is laugh. Cursed laughing has also caused this agonizing headache. Ugh... can't wait till this weekend officially starts. Then I can work. Work is good. All I want to do is work. Work gets you money, money gets you advils. It works. Money can also get you Anime things.
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