Saturday, December 18, 2004

Numb
I'm really depressed right now. I mean, I am a bubble I know, but hey, even bubble's get depressed. It's just this whole thing with my dad. He wants me to be another him. He even told me that. But I want to be my own person! I WANT TO BE AN INDIVIDUAL! I'm tired of people wanting me to be perfect. Just because I have gifts for school. Gifts of talent for art. Gifts for singing... Like they all think I have gifts for everything possible in the WORLD! BUT I DON'T! He pushes me more and more to exceed my limit. Pushing more over the limit and like once before, over the cliff. I'm listening to the song NUMB by Likin Park and not only does it suit my mood, but if anyone REALLY wants to know what it's almost like to be me, can see it in the song. Sure I make act all happy, but that's only when I know I have a false sense of security. No one's safe. EVER. People will push you to no end. But I keep getting pushed and my dad won't stop! "Your word is everything..." "If your not fufilling your word, your bullshit. That's all you are, BULLSHIT!" Is that what I am to you dad.... BULLSHIT?! FINE! I AM OK! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! HUH?

He expects me to change to be like him. I don't want to be him! He can't see that I want to be my own person! His disapointment is me is pushing me harder. I just want to be accepted by him! That's what I need. From anyone, just to be accepted. It's just not fair. Nothing can make ME happier than just being accepted. I finaly found acceptance at school. How I LONGED for that acceptance by A GROUP OF PEOPLE! They don't care that I love anime to an extent. They don't care that I may fail. They just she that I'm a fun person around and shit. But no one knows how I really am inside. My father will NEVER learn. He is too blind...

"All you think about is what's GOOD FOR YOU! YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYONE ELSE!"

Well father... I give.. I give and give and give to everyone. I give my all... 200% and more of me to people. even you... Then you, yes you, told me that I should have some priorities too. Well, I took your advice... Like always. And then you yell at me for being so selfish! I don't get it. I'm so confused. I'm tired of being what you want me to be. Can you see? no, you can't. You'll NEVER SEE. Everything I do to try and make you happy, I always fail. Why do I fail? Because you push me to no end!

I want to cut so bad... I've had this craving since forever... Ever since I got help... I was better for a whole summer... I kept on thinking that I was better. But forever, I will ALWAYS be a cutter. This lable will live with me forever. It's not a curse, yet's it's not a gift. I'm falling again and I can't catch myself. My breath is gone and I can't get it back.
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