Wednesday, July 20, 2005

   Give Me Rum or Give Me Death!
Or give me someone else's problems to cry about so I can stop thinking about my left wrist. And right knee. And that thing. You know, the thing that does stuff.

Here's something to cry about: In my opinion, the best Saiyuki couple.

I know a lot of people are going to argue with me on that. You're all entitled to your opinions, and I will defend to the death your right to maintain them. But I sometimes feel the intense need to point out that these are FICTIONAL CHARACTERS. So, until the Great and Luminous Kazuya Minekura, sole real owner or their non-existence, says otherwise, all couples are Schroedinger Couples, they neither exist nor don't exist. As far as the literal text and graphics of the manga go, this is the only "real" couple...

And I think ... it's remarkable. It's like Romeo and Juliet... ill-fated. And like Oedipus (Kougaiji aside...), as in you get the sense that the gods are just hurting people for their own amusement. Tenpo must have really pissed someone off. By comparison, Kenren and Konzen got it easy. I'd even take 500 years on a mountain ahead of this happening to me and my brother. (shudder, wretch, twitch)

Poor Bastard. That's what you get for smoking in heaven. Didn't see the No Smoking signs, I guess.


Anyway, I'm working on something special that might take a while. I'll keep posting the Chibis once a week, and I might post other walls, but I'm working on a sort of celebration for if I cross 10,000 downloads. Which amazes me. I never thought so many people would like my brain farts.

So, we'll see when they're done, and when I cross the magic number. Then we'll see if you like 'em.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go have a good cry.
=^T.T^=
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Monday, July 18, 2005

   When Chibis Attack! Part 11
Missed the boat? Catch it here.

"I have to work." Saying it out loud doesn't seem to improve my odds of doing it. Still, it's somewhat comforting to hear a voice that isn't coming from knee-level.

Disengage from the kitchen table. Attach to the desk in front room. Idly pick up files, open, close. Drink coffee.




Is someone watching me? This eerie feeling is stopping me from pretending to concentrate...

Oh. Right.



Kougaiji, Heir of the Ox King, is sitting on the floor staring up at me with adoring eyes.


Try to work.

Damnit, that's not working.

Turn on computer. Stare at screen.

Huge liquid eyes, staring like a lobotomized teddy bear.



I can't take this anymore.



"Squee!" goes the chair as I grab an empty cardboard shipping box.

Upturn box. Drop over Kougaiji.

Problem solved. Back to work.



Pick up folders, open, close...

The box begins to wander around the room, bumping into things.

Stare at the screen. Move mouse.


The box stops in the center of the room and starts emitting odd noises. This is easy to ignore: I have a cat. Cats make all manner of odd noises. They do not, it should be noted, stare at one with adoring eyes. It's just not their thing; whereas noises are well within their specialization.

The box noises stop abruptly.

"Engo-cutie!"



The box explodes and a fiery monster roars around the room. It would be a very scary monster, if it were more than a foot and a half tall and didn't have long eyelashes on all three eyes. Cuteness aside, its explosive appearance scatters bits of flaming box on various flammable objects around the room before it vanishes with a little puff of smoke.

I spend a moment considering whether to let the place burn down and hope it takes the little buggers with it. In that time, the other chibis appear in little fireman outfits, and put out the flames using a plant mister and ornamental watering can.

My executive house-burning decision is no longer needed.



Kougaiji plops down in the center of the room.

"...snnnnniiiiiiiifffff...."

Emergency! Emergency! Bawl detected! Howling Flood! Must avert Typhoon Chibi!!

"Whoops! Ha ha, didn't see you there. Sorry about that..." Grab forlorn chibi.

"Sniiiiii...." Obviously the regular remedies will not be enough to combat the oncoming tantrum. My limited experience with children tells me that at this point I can either make him feel useful...

... and end up with nothing done at all, and possibly the place on fire...

... or I can bribe.

For children and government employees, the odds of 'bribery to go away' versus 'being at all useful' come up heavily in favor of the graft.



Carry snotty (explosive?) chibi into kitchen. Grab cushion from chair, cookie from jar.

Back to desk: cushion on top of pile of folders.

Hug chibi.

"Heeee...." Try not the feel silly.

(Try not to smile.)

((Feel silly for trying not to smile...))

Put chibi on cushion, insert cookie.

"Munch, munch, munch..."

Apparently all is forgiven.



Since when do I have a cookie jar?



Forget it. Try to work.





Finish checking e-mail.

Something jumps into my lap.

Kougaiji is asleep, drooling on the folders. He is, therefore, not on my lap.


I love my kitty. She is a very good kitty, as cats go.

Scratch soft fuzz behind the pointy ears. Purring commences.

All is well with the world.


Work in relative peace.

Forget to scratch for a moment. Soft head nudges my hand, claws knead my leg. Resume scritches of ears.



"Eek!"

They have me well trained. I can no longer ignore screaming, no matter how much I want to.

Goku is peeking out from under the ottoman, staring at my lap. He is shaking like an ancient Chihuahua in a snowstorm.

Glance at Kougaiji: Definitely Sleeping.

Look at lap.



Chibi Youkai Hakkai looks up at me and smiles widely. He has a lot of jagged teeth. I have a Gremlins flashback.

While he's quite scary to look at, it is still more disturbing that he is still cute. How? Powerful thing, this 'Chibiness'.

My hand reflexively continues to scratch his ears.



"Ah, Goku..." Youkai Hakkai intones.

"Eek!" Goku sounds just like a little monkey.

"Have you found where my limiters went yet?"

"Um... here!" Goku runs up, tosses the little earring onto the desk and scoots back under the ottoman with the speed of a cat that knows it's vet time.

"Thank you." Hakkai slips the limiters back on, and returns to normal with a little puff of smoke and sparkle. "Sorry about that. Goku took my limiters off..."

"It was accidentally on purpose!"

"You really should think before you act." Hakkai scolds from my lap. Goku stares at the floor and shuffles his feet. "Now we'll have to get the nice lady a new ottoman... and a chair, too, it looks like. Funny, I don't remember doing that one..."

"Oh, no." I observe absently. "It was like that. The cat, you know."

"Ah. I see."

"I'm sorry." says Goku.

"Don't worry about it," I say, idly tapping the mouse. "At least the furniture matches now."



A few minutes of blessed silence, broken only by Kougaiji's little snores.

"Um... sorry? I really should get the kitchen cleaned up. You could stop scratching my ears now if that's alright..." Hakkai approaches the subject gently.

"Oh. Right."

"Though that was very nice. Thank you."

"No problem."

Chibi Not-So-Youkai Hakkai gives me a hug before leaping down. I'm not sure if the whole world is happier. It seems to make him happy, anyway. But then, he seems like a cheerful little guy.



... I really don't remember buying a cookie jar. Cookies come in packages made of sturdy foil and plastic as it is. Why would I do all that work to re-package something I'm just going to eat anyway?

Whatever. Work!


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Wednesday, July 13, 2005

   The Best Laid Plans
are eaten by cats.

I meant to post 2 chapters of When Chibis Attack this week... instead there's only the one (below).

For some reason, I just felt like coloring . Sometimes the urge just takes me.

Sanzo tends to inspire it, though I didn't color this. I didn't color this, either, and it's not Sanzo. But this is...

Come to think of it, so is this. I called it "Sun on the Floor"...
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Saturday, July 9, 2005

   When Chibis Attack! Part 10
Want to catch up? Previous chapters are archived here.

There is a heavenly smell of frying bacon and fresh coffee creeping under the door. Clean, and wearing snot-free clothing for the first time in twelve hours, life seems to be looking up.

But bacon rarely fries itself. Therefore, the kitchen is either full of exploding pigs or my chronic hallucinations are about to begin again.

I thought it was toast you were supposed to smell, not bacon...

Opening the door confirms my suspicions.




Gojyo is bound and gagged and hanging from the hall light fixture.

"Mrrfk mrrmrrphu! Meph rown! Mrrf!"

Kougaiji has been loyally patrolling the hallway. He spots me and snaps a little salute.

"Miffion Accompliffed!"

Duty done, he runs to me with arms outstretched and a little cry of "Wuv you!" and proceeds to climb my leg.

I poke Gojyo. He swings a little.

"Mrrfink mrfrr!"

"I'm sure."

I'm glad I can't understand a word he's mrrfing as I head for the kitchen.





Sanzo is back on the table, drinking a demitasse of coffee and reading a very small newspaper. Large, sparkly eyes would be needed to decipher most of the very small print on it. Closer inspection reveals it to be The Chibi Times.

Did he have it brought in special? From where? Lollipop Land?





Pull up a chair, sit. Try to ignore the physically improbable amounts of food that Goku the Compactor is shovelling down. Without Gojyo for competition he seems without limits. I fear for my table.

"How are you this morning?" chirps Hakkai, as I attempt to fill my stomach (once again empty of alcohol) with nice, fresh caffeine. "I hope we didn't disturb you too much in the night."

"Ugh." I reply with eloquence.

Kougaiji hops onto the table in pursuit of breakfast, and his little 'poit' noise is accompanied by a resounding 'thud' from the hallway. Markedly clearer cursing follows.

"Ah! It looks like he's finally gotten himself free." Hakkai muses and dishes a plate for Gojyo.




Gojyo, however, doesn't appear to be in the mood for breakfast, as he stomps into the room and climbs onto the table. Little fists balled, big round bump and 'X' shaped bandage on his head, he seems more in the mood for... a vicious game of dominoes. It's hard to look tough when you're chibi.

He stomps over to Kougaiji, who is absently polishing an oversized apple from the fruit bowl. Gojyo points a finger and begins:

"You and I are gonna..."

Satisfied with his cleaning job, Kougaiji hefts the apple in both hands and...




Proportionally, there's no way his mouth could be that big. There would be no room for a brain, or even those inflated eyes. His jaws seem to open almost a full 180 degrees; surely the top of his head should come off? And I'm absolutely certain that there's no light source in my kitchen that could give his (many, scary, sharp) teeth a point shine, and even then point shines don't go 'ting'...

The apple is decimated: unnumbered fangs pulp core, stem and all like a Hello Kitty garbage disposal.




Gojyo grabs his plate and sits.

"I slept like a log last night!" he claims brightly.

Smart little guy, I'll give him that.







While sipping coffee, one must have something to look at. For lack of a saner option, The Chibi Times draws closer inspection. Some of the headlines are big enough to read...

"Sparkly Eyes and Healthy Vision."

"Round is In!"

"Chibis Protest Decline in Hugs!"

The last one comes with a photo of chibis with signboards reading: "Hug Me!","Chibi Love 4 Ever!" and "Chibi Hugs Make the Whole World Happy!"

I glance over the paper at Little Grumpy Monk.

He squints up at me: "What's your problem?"

"Nuffink." I mutter. Coffee, coffee, cofee... dee dah dum... reality is my friend, reality is my friend...




"It's sad, really." Hakkai speaks next to my ear, almost making me spill. Since when does he sit on my shoulder? Sneaky, soft-footed creeps, using me as furniture...

"Decline in hugs..." he tsks. "It's a shame."

"I could sure use more hugs from pretty ladies!" Gojyo sprays around a mouthful.

"Maybe if you stopped stealing their panties..."

"Oh, come on. Every chibi needs hugs."

"I like hugs!" Goku matches food spray for food spray.



Again, I sit a little straighter and glance over the paper at Sanzo.

Again, he glares up at me, "You looking at me, punk?"

"No, no... I pity the fool who does that."





The Real Paper. The one that talks about Reality. I need it!

Someone has hidden it behind the fruit bowl.



The splash headline reads: "Toddlers Rob 7-11!"

The picture below shows a man cocooned in rope from shoulder to toe, with a note taped to his head.

"BAKA" says the note.

"Who or what is 'BAKA'? Police are investigating gang connections." says the caption.

"Yoink!" says the paper as it's whipped out of my hands.

"Hey! I was reading that..." But my protests are useless. Sanzo is already using it to beat Gojyo and Goku, whose argument about who should get more hugs had gotten out of hand. The spray of food accompanying each shout had begun to cake on the combatants, and the paper now shares this nauseating decoration. I would like to preserve my status as free of all chibi body fluids for as long as possible today, so you can keep that paper now, thanks all the same, you rotten, paper-thieving mini-monk...


Calm. Must remain calm. Perhaps if I am boring, they will go away. Ha ha.



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   Oh... My... Goodness....
I meant to put up the next installment of the Chibi story today, but I've been too sick. I'll have it up by Monday at the latest.

I recieved a little incentive to continue... or rather a big chibi incentive! Thanks LouBlue, the chibis salute you... and run in fear.

You know you're a little behind when it takes until Friday to post this. Sweet Mother of Mercy... get some pants!


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Wednesday, June 29, 2005

   Wallpaper... no, I haven't quit...
I've just been... you know... outside. Or not.

Anyway, outside is where the flowers are. I like flowers.

Outside is one place Sanzo would avoid if he had a choice.

Hakkai's been so helpful around the kitchen lately, actually did a wallpaper of him. Rare, I know. I love this one actually. He looks so... "It was not me who took the cookie from the cookie jar!"

And that's okay.
=^..^=
nyuu~~
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Tuesday, June 28, 2005

   When Chibis Attack! Part 9
Previous chapters are archived here

In Which Dawn Ascends


The Sun is the Divine Flashlight.

Yes, the dawn is the Great Security Man in the Sky, his Flashlight in hand, as he finds you curled up and drunk along his beat. The Sun is his unwavering Flashlight, suggesting that you had better move along or there will be Trouble.

The Sun is shining though a tiny hole in the blinds right into my eyes.




Like Gulliver in Lilliputia, I can't quite move. Tilt head, focus eyes.


The first thing that catches my eye is my underwear drawer. Pulled almost entirely out, there is red hair and a little hand hanging out of it. This does not bode well, Reality-wise.

Next Visual Stop: Two Drawers Down. My sock drawer is likewise almost off the runners, with two feet sticking out the top. Judging by the apparent lack of socks in the drawer, its occupant is an active sleeper. Violently active.

My feet have amiable company. Hakkai has found a tiny pillow and borrowed a hand towel to make a chibi camp-bed at the foot of mine.

Sanzo, on the other hand, must have taken the pillow right out from under my head, the little bastard. He has turned the pillow into a cushy chibi-bed fit for a king. It is a precious source of vengeful joy to see that the socks that Goku has tossed in his nightly ramblings have landed on the sleepless mini-monk like wooly missiles of justice.

That only leaves one unaccounted for.





Reach over shoulder. Remove Kougaiji from hair.


"Meep!"





What is with those bloody nightcaps? Do the outsized heads get abnormally cold?

I mean, color-coded pyjamas to avoid mix-ups I can understand, but the nightcaps are really pushing it. What possible purpose could the little pom-pom on the end serve?




"I..." The Little Prince begins.

"Hold it."

"Mrrf?"

"Do you have anything to say that doesn't involve your opinion of me?"

This question appears to require serious enough thought to shut down the remainder of Kougaiji's brain.

Run! Run while you still can!




I make it almost to the door.

"When's breakfast? I'm staaaaaarving..." There go the rest of my socks.

"I hope everyone slept well." Hakkai pulls on fuzzy bunny slippers and passes by my knees on the way to the kitchen, presumable to put the coffee on.

"Sweet Mother of Mercy! Look at all these Panties! Heaven has Lace!!!"

There is a brief, smothering pause.

"Well at lease someone slept well." grumbles Sanzo from beneath the pile of socks.





Bathroom. I need the bathroom. If for no other reason than the lock on the door.





I carefully avoid the mirror; usually a wise idea in the morning. This morning, not so wise.

There are five tiny toothbrushes in a cup on the counter. They have little handles and outsized heads. They also are color-coded for easy identification, which strikes me as an even better idea than the jammies.

In an effort to get away from the ridiculous cuteness, my eyes wander up to the mirror - only to spot sleepy-eyed Kougaiji climbing onto the counter.

I look at the shut door.

He must have been... attached... to me somehow.

I look at the sleepy chibi.

He yawns hugely: an enormous mouth, full of pointy teeth.




"You can't be in here right now."

Big sleepy eyes blink up at me. The nightcap pom-pom bobbles.

"I need a shower. So you can't be... here."

The enormous eyes blink again. There is processing going on.

Suddenly it hits me: the memory of The Bawling.

Oh hell... what have I done?

Blink blink, go the Chibis eyes.

The mouth opens.

"Good Mowning!"




Sigh.





I should not be required to use my brain this early in the morning. Need shower. Must remove über-chibi first. Salt works on leeches, duct tape on warts, rum on...

I open the bathroom door, absently heading in the direction of the rum.

Gojyo is outside the door, attempting to work a cordless power drill. Thankfully this has proved nigh-impossible for the Littlest Pervert. This may be because he has replaced his night cap with a pair of panties which keep falling over his eyes, or it may be because his fluffy teddy bear is still clenched firmly under one arm.




Bingo!




Toothpaste foam has made Kougaiji, Fierce and Noble Youkai Prince look rather rabid, as I pick him up off the counter. He spontaneously hug-attaches, but I think I know a cure...

"Ah! It's not what it looks like! I was just holding this for... uh... Goku!" Goku, headed in the general direction of breakfast, has a power drill dropped on him.

"What the hell? What are you doing, you perverted Kappa!?"

"Nothing! Nothing at all! And you should really stop trying to look in at ladies who are showering."

"Me? Why would I..."




I pull Kougaiji off my shirt.

"Meep!"

"Kougaiji, I can you do me a favor?"

Against all biological possibility, his big eyes grow even bigger. Chubby shoulders square, and he snaps to Chibi-Attention.

"Anyfing!"



Gojyo and Goku are now trying to back away as inconspicuously as possible.

"I want to take a shower, but Gojyo is going to try to peep on me." ("Wasn't me! That's totally unproven!") "I want you to stop him, and anyone else, from disturbing me. You got that?"

"I wuv you!"

"I'll take that as a yes."

I set the Little Prince on the ground, slightly disturbed by the steely concentration in his sparkly eyes, and close the door.




The next thirty minutes are pure aquatic peace, punctuated only by the occasional thumps, screams and assorted ominous noises. These are easily ignores. After all, I have a cat.






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Monday, June 27, 2005

   Out of Rum Error, Redo From Start
Ah, sorry about the uncerimonious dump of my bad mood... turns out that the reason that I was in such a foul mood was... uh, I had stomach flu.

Once I'd gotten that out of my system (quite literally... now I know precisely how clean my toilet is, thank you Toilet Duck), I felt much better.

See what happens when I don't disinfect with alcohol regularly?

Hurrah for Rum!

...and kittens...

...and chibis, which I'll be posting today or tomorrow, depending on whether I can get Kougaiji off my arm long enough to type...

=^-.-^=
nyu~~
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Friday, June 24, 2005

   That's funny, I think.
You know... sometimes I get really tired of being a sick, deformed cripple. It's easy to feel ugly when you've got a half-caved in rib cage, scars and stretch marks even on your face and hands, and swollen marks on all your joints.

Today I caught myself reading beauty advice for cancer patients and taking notes. I stopped, shook my head, laughed it off. Then I realised that the some of the medication the makeup artists were talking about "compensating" for were familiar names to me.

Hydromorphone... Flexeril... CS Morphine... Prednisone...

Why the hell am I still alive?



It gets so easy to say, "What the hell, at least I don't have cancer." That is, until you realise that the only real difference might be the length of time you're stuck dealing with it.

I'm only 25. How many more nights are left in my life sentence? How many more beautiful sunrises, (observed because the morphine wore off early)? How many more purring kittens in my lap, (and fingers too tired to scratch them)? How many more hellos and goodbyes, and how many more bad haircuts --

And realising that what makes it a bad haircut is that it shows more of my face...




The internet is a beautiful release, I think.



I don't talk to people I know about this. It's humiliating, to be weak in body, but so much more so to be seen as 'not coping', 'having a tough time'. I'm coping. I will get through this. I always do. And I'll do it without pulling anyone down with me.

Unless, of course, someone reads my once-in-a-blue-moon "personal" topic rant. Which is beautifully concealed among all the millions of blogs, with their vast range of quality and topic. It's like hiding a leaf in a forest, or stapling a suicide note to a tax return.

The anonimity, and the unlikelyhood of being caught with my proverbial pants down, means that this is the shut-in's equivalent to screaming in an desolate forest: You don't really want anyone to come. Some things just need to be said.




So, for all your ugly days, for all your "these pants don't fit right" moments, for all your wondering if your boobs are too big, too small, too saggy, too there:

Screw it.



I'm only ... how old? It feels like a lifetime.




Hug the chibis for me... times like this I wish I could.
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Monday, June 20, 2005

   And a Few of These...
Nyu Wallpaper.

Hand colored by me, here's a sentimental piece. And here's a little Sanzo action to make you smile...

May the chibis not eat you in your sleep.
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