Monday, October 9, 2006

When Chibis Attack! Part 44
It's here, the newest chapter in the Humiliation of Sanzo. I mean, When Chibis Attack!...

Part 44: In Which There are Issues

Go see how much worse it can get.

Poor, poor Sanzo. And my poor blender!
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Wednesday, September 27, 2006

When Chibis Attack! Part 43
The day we all knew was coming has arrived. I've finally figured out how to post the fic without using this site to convert it.

Go read about the army of darkness in Part 43: In Which Chibis Attack!

Love the squirrels. Fear the squirrels.
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Sunday, September 17, 2006

   When Chibis Attack! Part 42
When I finally do finish sorting this out, I'll just be posting the link to it, over here. I love you all, more profoundly than you'll ever know.

Part 42: In Which They Are Constructive

As the sun slowly shifts across the sky, and Sanzo searches for the bottle in vain, Sleeping Cutie and the Delinquent Dwarves roll in the direction of sunbeam travel. This results in Goku eventually getting stuck in the crack between the desk and the wall.

This, in turn, results in pulleys and gantries being set up, hard hats being worn, and much generalized doing-of-stuff.




They aren't hallucinations. Hallucinations don't make this much mess. Or mess with as many people.

Unless this is a mass hallucination? A really slow one, happening one person at a time...

Maybe that's a clue: no one seems to notice the little freaks unless they're alone with them. Or alone with me and them. But I'm beginning to suspect that that's because I don't count as 'someone' anymore.




"Hey..." My query draws Hakkai's attention away from his clipboard and bullhorn. "Are you guys afraid of crowds?"

"No. Why do you ask?" He adjusts his safety goggles. Overseeing a Monkey-Freeing Site is hard work.

"I've just noticed you're more... sociable... when people are alone."

"Ah. That's Policy, I'm afraid."

"Policy."

"Oh, yes."




Gojyo staggers past with a load of two-by-fours under his arm. Two by four centimeters, that is. He dumps them by my pencil sharpener and returns, dusting his hands. He pauses in his labors to look up at me, and recite, in the manner of a union worker explaining mandatory tea-breaks:

"Chibi Policy: Leave no witnesses."





Work halts momentarily around the site, or 'my desk' as it was once known, and everyone knods their approval - even Goku, who is doing his best impression of Boy Stuck in a Well.

"Very important, that. White Coat Avoidance Laws."

"Hmph. Hormonal Housewife Prevention."

"Too many hugs spoil the chibi."





Either that was plausible, or I've completely lost my mind.

Which is also plausible.



Maybe I'm just a drunk who's seeing things.

Things that break things, like my pencil sharpener, which is now the motor of a makeshift crane.





Sigh.





Get up, dislodging assorted gantries and hoists.

Grab Mr. Jacket and head for the Door.





"Where are you going?"

"The bars should be open by now."

"...there's plenty of rum in the fridge."

"I know. There's something else I need."





In the time it takes me to put on Mr. Jacket and get out the Door, Goku is miraculously un-stuck, and everyone of unusual smallness rushes past my ankles like Garden Gnomes with Abandonment Issues.





The walk to the Bar, conveniently located on the next block, is generally so uneventful that I could do it blindfolded, staggering slightly, and being randomly spun in circles by an invisible giant with an odd sense of humor.

It becomes far more eventful when attempted while trailing suspiciously mobile inanimate objects: garden ornaments, pieces of shrubbery, the odd squirrel. Though I think the squirrels only joined out of curiosity...

...actually, it's a little odd how the accumulating squirrels are marching in rows. Do squirrels normally do that?





What the hell. 'Normal' isn't a word I'd use to describe any squirrel.

Damn, I wish it was just the giant-spinning, like usual. But that generally only happens on the way back...





Grab the microphone.

Tap tap - SqueeeEEEEEE!

"Is this thing on?" Ignore cursing. "Sorry, I've always wanted to do that." The cursing drowns out my mumbles for a moment.





Take a deep breath.

"Well, here goes. A-hem. My name is... uh, not important. Anyway, I'm here because I'm an alcoholic-"

"Dammit, lady, A.A. is down the street. This is karaoke night!" This patron may be unhappy because he knows his future is filled with high decibel screeching and moaning. Or he may be here for the cheap booze.

"I know! I know that, I'm just... practicing. Besides, this is better than anything else you'll hear here tonight..."





"Huh. That's the first time I've been kicked out of a bar." Sitting on the concrete curb, kicking rocks into the street. My 'props' have been ejected with me, and create an interesting modern-art arrangement of silliness.

"No kidding. And you're such a good customer." Says an obviously papier-mache rock in the shape of a super-deformed Sanzo priest. It fratricidally kicks a real rock into the street, grumbling. "Now none of us can do karaoke, thanks to you. I had a bunch of songs lined up..."

Try to kick the fake rock. Miss. Stub toe on curb.





"Outchit."

"Why go there, anyway?" asks Hakkai, a few leafy, green twigs tucked into his headband.

"You broke my shrink, remember? I thought I'd try something new."

"Some lady just threw me peanuts!" Son 'Dances With Squirrels' Goku cavorts merrily. The squirrels look a little perturbed at his monopolizing of the park-bench peanuts. I consider charging admission, should they attack him.

Gojyo sets his camouflaging Garden Gnome on the pavement beside me, and pulls out his cigarettes.

"A.A. is down the street, you know."




Moment of Silence




"But that's a hell of a long way to walk." He continues.

"But worth the ef-frrgh! Mrrf!" Hakkai is silenced by the Rock.

"Shh! You idiot!" The coincidentally Sanzo-shaped rock hisses in his ear. "If she stops drinking, who'll buy us beer? No cigarettes, no beer - I will really kill you all."




Sounds like a sensible argument to me.

I wonder if they'll let me back in if I promise to stay away from the microphone? And keep my fake-looking singing rock to myself.

Probably not.



I wrote this part in spring, when squirrels decided to mate in my flowerbeds, not ten feet from where I and My Cat were eating breakfast - outside and unfettered on the un-stained deck. I felt this was possibly the worst insult a carnivore could experience, and we sat in embarrassed silence for a good 10 minutes before the kettle boiling gave us an excuse to go back indoors, away from the furry antics.

I think my cat is a humanitarian. She only eats people.
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Wednesday, August 30, 2006

   When Chibis Attack! Part 41
Any day now, I'm going to start only posting this over at fanfiction.net. As soon as I find a way of editing it so that their document editor doesn't eat my formatting. And once I'm done staining my deck. Dagnabit.

Part 41: In Which One is Waylaid

Toss the Victory Blanket on the couch. Sit.

Move kitten picture to outside storage. Reboot.

Play Free Cell industriously while Searching for Inspiration.

My search for Inspiration reveals...

Inspiration is hard to come by.



Distraction, however, is easily found.

In his sleep, Kougaiji keeps trying to hug things: my files, my electric pencil sharpener, my mouse. It is rather inconvenient.

"Ssnrrrk... I could wun the cookie factowy for you, Sir! Zzzznck... 'm good wif peopull... suppwy my own wabour... Mmmmmsnrk..."

Don't ask. Don't even think. Just try to cope.

Look for a hug soother. A sacrificial hug-target. Something huggable.

Hm. Blanket.




The blanket moves.




Dammit! Why do inanimate objects keep going all animate on me? Is this the next stage, beyond cute little men?

Reach for the broom.

Blanket drops off the couch, advances toward me.

Raise broom.



Blanket sprouts a head.

A head with two antennae and a rather indecent look on its face.

Gojyo manages to get enough of the blanket under control to attempt a pose. He gives me a sly look.

"Hey, babe. I hear you're looking for someone to snuggle."



Consider following through with Operation: Broom Smacking.

Gojyo is unaware of my strategic broom maneuvers:

"Sanzo's just not the snuggling type." He continues, leaning against the chair. Which swivels, causing him to become even more tangled in the blanket. "But I am. And, hey! It just so happens that I have this nice, warm blanket..."

I know that blanket is clean. I saw Hakkai take it out of the dryer.

So how does Gojyo manage to make it seem dirty?




Roach or not, I can't bring myself to smack him with a broom. Not quite.

Look for something else to smack him with. I need that blanket for Operation: Hug Freedom.

Unless...




"Ah! Clumsy me!" Gojyo tries to sound innocent. Fails miserably. "I've gotten all tangled up. What would I do if someone, say, tried to snuggle me?"

Pick Gojyo up.

Ignore his waggling eyebrows.

Wrap blanket around him as tightly (and quickly) as possible.

"Eek!" He says in a falsetto voice, grinning hugely.

"Eek is right." I mutter.

Fold the blanket over his head, turn and spin, making a Gojyo Gyoza with blanket pastry.

Put entire package in Hugging Range of snoring Kougaiji.

"Yarg! Wait! Wrong person!" Kougaiji, still in the land of Infinite Cookie Space, attaches to Gojyo, or at least enough of the blanket that Gojyo can't get out.




"What?" I, too, can fake an innocent voice. I, too, am very bad at it. "I heard you needed a hug."

"But... but..." comes the plaintive voice of the captive within the blanket.

There is duct tape in my desk drawer. Duct tape is Life's Mute Button. Do I need the duct tape?

"I guess this isn't too bad..." Gojyo mumbles, lost in the huge blanket, and now under the full onslaught of a sunbeam. His voice grows sleepier by the minute, hardly even threatening by the time he mumbles: "But if he drools on me, there's going to be Trouble!"




Goku enters the room.

"Oh, hey - is it nap time already?" He asks, climbing up onto the desk.

Gojyo doesn't answer. A huge snot bubble blows out of one corner of the blanket in time to his snores, negating Hakkai's earlier careful washing.

This is answer enough for Goku, who claims an un-snotted piece of the blanket for himself and curls up.



"Yes, I suppose it is nap time." Hakkai muses from Customary Heart Attack Position on my right shoulder. Maybe he's not a chibi at all. Maybe he's a parrot, and he thinks I'm a pirate.

I do have a great deal of respect for Captain Morgan...




And so, one ridiculous paperweight becomes four paperweights, and the snoring is once again harmonious, with the single exception of Kougaiji's on-going dream.

"Ffffnnnrrr... Cookie yiewd up ten pewcent! Hmmmmm..."

Pretend to work. Return to Free Cell.



Sanzo pops in and out of view on occasion, obviously searching for something. The magnifying glass and Sherlock Holmes outfit are a dead giveaway.

He won't find it, though. Not with the evil little smile on Hakkai's peacefully sleeping face.

No, it'll take another plot event or two before he finds that sucker. Ha!





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