Monday, May 16, 2005

   When Chibis Attack! Part 5
(If you've only just joined us, and would like to catch up, or you've missed a few chapters, catch up here. That is, if you really want to.)




"I've got a little list" Chibi Hakkai begins, completely failing to cite Gilbert and Sullivan, or Kazuya Minekura as source material. "If you don't mind getting a few things."

It is a very little list, with even tinier writing.

"I can't read this."

"I suppose you'll need me with you then."

"Ah."

"It should be alright as long as we ride in a cart with your jacket over us."

"We."

"Well, the other option is to leave Gojyo in the car. Alone. With the rum."

"I'll be fine here! I promise I won't break anything..." Chibi Gojyo is already trying to figure out how to get into the trunk from the passenger compartment, overcoming the difficulties of his tiny body and super deformed hands. I can see it in his chibi little eyes. Chibi big eyes. Little chibi big eyes of ...

Oh, whatever.







Two chibis into a cart, and away we go. My, what a merry adventure, goddammit.

"Now Gojyo, you must be quiet, There would be all kinds of trouble if we were caught."

"Like me getting a free ride to the asylum." It sounds better every time I consider the options. Quiet, free food, drugs to make little things like this go away...

My thoughts drift fondly back to the bottle in my trunk as I push the cart and my oddly vocal jacket into the store.

Alcohol, oh how I love thee. Let me count the -

"Vegetables we'll need..." Thank you, Mr. Jacket. You are ever a source of help and inspiration.






Idling up and down the aisles, ignoring the occasional hand snaking out to pick up items, my mind wonders to other topics. What would really happen if they were caught? Would they be taken to Area 41 or 57 or whatever? Forced to do Chibi-Reconnaisance in Afghanistan? Hugged to death by a crowd of hormonal housewives?

Hm. Is there a way out of this mess...?






Gojyo grabs a woman's bottom as the cart goes by her. She turns with a yelp to glare at me. Yet, I am on the other side of the cart, holding a sizable zucchini in both hands. Also, I am female. Why wouldn't I just spare myself the effort and grab my own ass, ma'am?

She appears to add up the same mental arithmetic and moves on to the tune of:
"Must have been... hooked on something."

"Right"

"My those tomatoes are fresh!" my jacket pipes up in a falsetto voice.

I hit it.

With the zucchini, and considerable force.

"Ow!" says my jacket.

There is rum in my car. Why am I here, again?

"Um. Let's just get this over with as quickly as possible." Says the suspiciously Hakkai-shaped lettuce, a safe distance from my jacket.

"Mrfgl" says my jacket. Or perhaps that is the zucchini talking, as the zucchini remains on top.







At last, the lettuce pronounces judgment. "I think that's everything from here."

"Good."

I turn the cart to face into a secluded back corner of the store.

"Excuse me... I think the checkout is the other way." The lettuce seems concerned.

A furtive glance confirms that no one is looking my way.

With reflexes honed by years of trying to catch my kitty, I whip into action.

Move jacket. Grab Gojyo by his cute little ankles. Hold him upside down. Shake vigorously.

Items previously secreted about his person form a pile on the floor only slightly smaller than the chibi himself.

"Hey! That's my..."

Drop cussing Chibi into the cart. Kick pile under shelf. Ignore the abusive language the apples have just learned. Desperately try to ignore the lettuce tying and gagging apples. The lettuce then seats itself on top of the apples as a further restraint and gives me a look of leafy empathy.

"Sorry about that. I obviously wasn't watching him carefully enough."

"Hm."

"Mrfgl-Wstfgl!" claims the apples, but I wouldn't believe it.





Prior to approaching the cashier, the lettuce voices a little concern. "I realize that you are allergic to cigarettes, but I really must say your life is likely to be endangered much more if we don't pick some up. They may be small, and currently not very well armed, but Sanzo and Gojyo can be very mean with they..."

"No."

"Mrrf!"

"Perhaps we can convince them to smoke outside." The apples nod so vigorously that one comes free.

"I'm not buying them." The apples look up at me with enormous eyes. "Forget it." The eyes begin to fill with a liquid that forms huge, glistening balls. "That's not going to work on me." A huge snot bubble forms, causing me to swear off eating apples for the duration of this hallucination.

"Mrrf-waaaaah! Mrf mrf mrf..." The sob of one facing heartless nicotine depravation makes me wince. Hakkai unties Gojyo and gives him a little 'there, there' and pat on the back. The Kappa continues to bawl, and I push the cart against a wall and whistle "Waltzing Matilda" loudly in an effort to cover the histrionics.

I can't take this any more.






"Screw it. I'll buy you a couple of packages of Nicorettes."

"But!"

"That's the best you're going to get! It's that, or I hand you over to... someone! Mall Security! Men in White Coats!"

"Nicorettes are fine, for now."

"Right." To the Pharmacy we go.

"And a couple of packages of condoms!"







Blink.





The laughter wells up from within like a noisy form of indigestion. Its unstoppable might causes me to lose my grip on the cart, pushing it noisily into a display of tissue boxes. Several rain down upon the startled Chibis.

I quell the snorting enough to breathe.

"For what? To use as rain hats? They'd be perfect little rain hats for you?" Get out of this tissue box maze. Get out of here. There's rum in my car, and once that car is parked at my house, I will consume enough of its contents that this will either cease to matter or begin to make sense.

"... hee hee... rain hats!!" I can't hold it in, I really can't.

"Hey..." Gojyo looks vaguely offended. When I can see him, through the tears flooding down my cheeks.

A woman stops to help. "Are you okay?"

"Oh yes! Yes, I'm fine. Just here for some Nicorettes and Rain Hats!"

"Oh. Right then."

Something in her expression as she backs away calms me down almost immediately. While free food and drugs have their appeal, I'd prefer it if you didn't call the Men in White Coats after all, thanks all the same, ma'am.

Grab a few boxes of Nicorettes from the Pharmacy. Run through till, paying as fast as possible, only half aware of the Chibis sneaking ninja-style under the counter.

"Let's get the hell out of here." Grumble the radishes, still offended by my comments on Chibi proportions.

"Yes, lets!" I wholeheartedly agree.

Yes, lets.




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