Monday, June 6, 2005

   When Chibis Attack! Part 7
For those who missed the earlier episodes, they are archived here

Part 7: In Which There is Gum

Chibi Sanzo has already rifled the shopping bags. One remaining in his adorable little paw, he looks up at me.

"Where the hell are my cigarettes?"

Shifting Kougaiji around to one side ("Wuv you!"), I rifle the bags myself.

"Here." He catches the Nicorettes, showing surprising agility for such a short, round little fellow.

"What the hell?"

"Nicotine in gum form. This way we both get to keep breathing."

Out comes the little gun.

"Not for long."

"Kiss and Hugson's Saturday Morning Special" holds no terror for me. I am but a glass away from a considerable quantity of alcohol.

"Do you really think the little flag will say something different this time?"

Chibi Sanzo is momentarily mute with rage. I choose to live in the moment.





Chii-Goku has attached sponges to the end of the Nyoi-Bo and is vigorously sweeping water out of my front door. At some point I will have to convince nosey neighbors that a pipe burst in my front entrance. This will be much easier than convincing them that I am capable of doing anything vigorously. However, none of this is a problem that I can't avoid by drinking copious amounts of sugarcane-derived beverage.

Which reminds me...




Lil' Hakkai has begun the laborious task of dragging the shopping bags into the kitchen. Gojyo, in his own impression of 'helping', is trying to find a way to transport a bottle of rum that weighs more than he does.

I relieve him of that burden.

"Sweet! Ready to Party?" The little Kappa celebrates around my ankles.

"No."

"What!"

"Go get your own."

"What the hell?" His little hackles raise, and the antennae twitch in irritation. "You know, you're really starting to bug me, and I never thought I'd say that to a girl with breasts the size of my head..."

"You have a very small head."

Oh no... the image is back...

"Rain hats!!! Bwa ha ha ...." I can't hold in the snort. Little multi-colored, oddly shaped bad weather gear... mrrf...

Another chibi is now momentarily mute with anger. I know it can't last long, but oh what bliss!





Kougaiji under one arm ("I wuv you!"), the bottle under the other, and into the kitchen for a glass.

Goku and Hakkai pass me, a pair of shopping bags efficiently suspended between them on the Nyoi-Bo.




Sanzo, having recovered from his vocal paralysis, appears at my knee. He is waving the Nicorettes.

"I can't use these. I need cigarettes."

"The gum really is the same. You chew it, you become less irritable. Like rum, only you don't swallow."

"I don't care, I can't use it." He tosses them away. Gojyo catches the packet and starts fiddling with the foil bubbles, cursing mildly at the chibi-finger-frustrating glue.

"Why not?"

The Silence of the Knees. Perhaps he couldn't hear over the clatter of Chibi Hakkai and Chibi Goku grappling with pots and pans, engaging in a culinary Dance of Death on the stove top. I hope they are wearing fire-resistant clothes.

I speak up a little for the benefit of his cute little ears.

"Why not?"




The silence persists. As if pulled around by a finger up my nose, I turn to look at the twitching chibi.

He is looking intently at his little, round feet.

"...mumble mumble mumble..." he says.





Blink.





I try to rewind my brain. It doesn't quite work, but I could still swear that he just said 'mumble' three times.

I look at Kougaiji for confirmation.

"Heeeee..."

I look at the rum bottle for...

I really need a drink.




Oh hell. I just have to ask.



"Did you just say, 'Mumble mumble mumble'?"

Sanzo ceases inspecting his sandals with the speed of a cheetah on crack. His beet-red face glares up at me.

"It gets stuck in my hair, alright! Now go get me some goddamn cigarettes!




Blink.




"Mumble mumble?" I repeat, still stuck on the first conversational speed bump.

"Dinner is just about ready, Sanzo. I'm sure you can wait just a little longer." Hakkai calls from the stove top.

Goku sits atop the coffee maker, using the Nyoi-Bo to stir the contents of a pot. Something in the back of my head declares this unsanitary and marks the contents as inedible. Another part of me declares that the weight of the food on the table and stove is larger than the weight of the chibis combined. Even if they were hollow, all that food couldn't fit inside of them. Is Hakkai expecting guests? Large guests?

"Cheer up, Sanzo... It's not that hard to get the hang of." Gojyo mooches into the kitchen, mangled package in hand. He blows an enormous bubble, snaps it loudly and resumes chewing.

The bubble reminds me to stay away from the apples. Oh, the horrible apples...

"You think this is funny, you perverted Kappa?"

Two chibis fight in a ball of dust, knees and elbows on my kitchen floor. Two other chibis calmly stir pans on the stove.

"Are you sure it's not ready yet, Hakkai?"

"You know I'll tell you when it's ready, Goku."

"I know." Pause. "But I'm so huuuuuuuungry..."

"Not quite yet, Goku."

"Are you sure there's enough?"

"Four times your weight, plus allowances for the wear and tear of cuteness and hugs... minus what you nicked from the fridge while we were gone..."

"But I was so huuuuuungryy..."

"Ah! It's almost ready!"

"Hooray!"





I reach for a glass.

"I wuv you!" says my left elbow.

I reach for a big glass.

"Goddamn it!" hollers a suddenly paused combatant. A Time Out appears to have been called.

"It's in my hair! It's in my goddamn hair! I'm going to kill you, you worthless Kappa!"

"It's in my hair too, crap-faced monk! If you hadn't hit me in the head..."

"You're the one who got that stupid gum!"

"That was her!"

Four enormous, glaring eyes focus on me. Gojyo and Sanzo are now Siamese Gum Twins, joined at the hair. Triplets if you count the refrigerator door, which they are also attached to.

I reach for a pint glass.





"Now, now, calm down everyone. We're lucky that she's helped us at all. She could have turned us over to Men in White Coats, or Hormonal Housewives. We have to be grateful and deal with these sticky situations ourselves, ha ha ha."

Hakkai is advancing on the pair of chibis with a ridiculously gigantic pair of scissors. Unable to flee their sticky bonds, they cower together against the fridge door.

"I'm sure we can get it out with soap, Hakkai!"

"Or peanut butter!"

"Goku ate all the peanut butter," I had peanut butter? I didn't know I had peanut butter... "And you know, the longer we wait, the more hair I'll have to cut off."

"No! Not the hair!"




Lift bottle. Study contents, volume information. Do a little math. Remove cap. Drink.




"Um. I'm sorry, but shouldn't you eat a little something with that?" Hakkai looks up from terrorizing his fellow chibis with the Mega-Scissors. The sticky pair are being surprisingly imaginative and cooperative in removing their own gum.

"No thanks!" I cheerfully reply. "I find food interferes with the drunkimifying process, delaying the onset of unconsciousness."

There is a momentary, thoughtful pause.

"Oh well. I suppose you won't want any pie then."




Blink.




"Pie?"


"I didn't know we had pie!" Goku looks up at Hakkai.

"That's why we still have it... It's pumpkin, by the way."

"Pie."

Perhaps I can make room for pie.




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