Saturday, July 9, 2005

   When Chibis Attack! Part 10
Want to catch up? Previous chapters are archived here.

There is a heavenly smell of frying bacon and fresh coffee creeping under the door. Clean, and wearing snot-free clothing for the first time in twelve hours, life seems to be looking up.

But bacon rarely fries itself. Therefore, the kitchen is either full of exploding pigs or my chronic hallucinations are about to begin again.

I thought it was toast you were supposed to smell, not bacon...

Opening the door confirms my suspicions.




Gojyo is bound and gagged and hanging from the hall light fixture.

"Mrrfk mrrmrrphu! Meph rown! Mrrf!"

Kougaiji has been loyally patrolling the hallway. He spots me and snaps a little salute.

"Miffion Accompliffed!"

Duty done, he runs to me with arms outstretched and a little cry of "Wuv you!" and proceeds to climb my leg.

I poke Gojyo. He swings a little.

"Mrrfink mrfrr!"

"I'm sure."

I'm glad I can't understand a word he's mrrfing as I head for the kitchen.





Sanzo is back on the table, drinking a demitasse of coffee and reading a very small newspaper. Large, sparkly eyes would be needed to decipher most of the very small print on it. Closer inspection reveals it to be The Chibi Times.

Did he have it brought in special? From where? Lollipop Land?





Pull up a chair, sit. Try to ignore the physically improbable amounts of food that Goku the Compactor is shovelling down. Without Gojyo for competition he seems without limits. I fear for my table.

"How are you this morning?" chirps Hakkai, as I attempt to fill my stomach (once again empty of alcohol) with nice, fresh caffeine. "I hope we didn't disturb you too much in the night."

"Ugh." I reply with eloquence.

Kougaiji hops onto the table in pursuit of breakfast, and his little 'poit' noise is accompanied by a resounding 'thud' from the hallway. Markedly clearer cursing follows.

"Ah! It looks like he's finally gotten himself free." Hakkai muses and dishes a plate for Gojyo.




Gojyo, however, doesn't appear to be in the mood for breakfast, as he stomps into the room and climbs onto the table. Little fists balled, big round bump and 'X' shaped bandage on his head, he seems more in the mood for... a vicious game of dominoes. It's hard to look tough when you're chibi.

He stomps over to Kougaiji, who is absently polishing an oversized apple from the fruit bowl. Gojyo points a finger and begins:

"You and I are gonna..."

Satisfied with his cleaning job, Kougaiji hefts the apple in both hands and...




Proportionally, there's no way his mouth could be that big. There would be no room for a brain, or even those inflated eyes. His jaws seem to open almost a full 180 degrees; surely the top of his head should come off? And I'm absolutely certain that there's no light source in my kitchen that could give his (many, scary, sharp) teeth a point shine, and even then point shines don't go 'ting'...

The apple is decimated: unnumbered fangs pulp core, stem and all like a Hello Kitty garbage disposal.




Gojyo grabs his plate and sits.

"I slept like a log last night!" he claims brightly.

Smart little guy, I'll give him that.







While sipping coffee, one must have something to look at. For lack of a saner option, The Chibi Times draws closer inspection. Some of the headlines are big enough to read...

"Sparkly Eyes and Healthy Vision."

"Round is In!"

"Chibis Protest Decline in Hugs!"

The last one comes with a photo of chibis with signboards reading: "Hug Me!","Chibi Love 4 Ever!" and "Chibi Hugs Make the Whole World Happy!"

I glance over the paper at Little Grumpy Monk.

He squints up at me: "What's your problem?"

"Nuffink." I mutter. Coffee, coffee, cofee... dee dah dum... reality is my friend, reality is my friend...




"It's sad, really." Hakkai speaks next to my ear, almost making me spill. Since when does he sit on my shoulder? Sneaky, soft-footed creeps, using me as furniture...

"Decline in hugs..." he tsks. "It's a shame."

"I could sure use more hugs from pretty ladies!" Gojyo sprays around a mouthful.

"Maybe if you stopped stealing their panties..."

"Oh, come on. Every chibi needs hugs."

"I like hugs!" Goku matches food spray for food spray.



Again, I sit a little straighter and glance over the paper at Sanzo.

Again, he glares up at me, "You looking at me, punk?"

"No, no... I pity the fool who does that."





The Real Paper. The one that talks about Reality. I need it!

Someone has hidden it behind the fruit bowl.



The splash headline reads: "Toddlers Rob 7-11!"

The picture below shows a man cocooned in rope from shoulder to toe, with a note taped to his head.

"BAKA" says the note.

"Who or what is 'BAKA'? Police are investigating gang connections." says the caption.

"Yoink!" says the paper as it's whipped out of my hands.

"Hey! I was reading that..." But my protests are useless. Sanzo is already using it to beat Gojyo and Goku, whose argument about who should get more hugs had gotten out of hand. The spray of food accompanying each shout had begun to cake on the combatants, and the paper now shares this nauseating decoration. I would like to preserve my status as free of all chibi body fluids for as long as possible today, so you can keep that paper now, thanks all the same, you rotten, paper-thieving mini-monk...


Calm. Must remain calm. Perhaps if I am boring, they will go away. Ha ha.



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