Tuesday, July 26, 2005

   When Chibis Attack! Part 12
Missed a chapter? Catch up here.

Part 12: In Which Someone is Hurt

"Thwack!" goes the fan, smacking Goku's head. Sanzo has entered the room.

"Ow!" Apparently Goku's head doesn't like this treatment.

"Ah, Sanzo. So you've already heard about what Goku did, then." Hakkai asks on his way out to the kitchen.

"Huh?" Sanzo stares blankly for a moment, then blinks. "Uh... yeah." Looks at Goku: "Don't do it again."

"But!"

"Thwack!" repeats the fan, this time with a sense of purpose.

"Ow!"



Problem solved. Except:

Sanzo is wrapped in a little purple towel. A purple shower cap is attempting to contain his fluffy chibi hair. I wonder where the chibis are keeping all of this luggage? Inside Goku? He certainly seems to have some kind of compression device or pocket universe inside of him, at least where food is involved...

But that's just nasty.



"I'm taking a shower."

"I won't run the dishwasher until you're out." Calls Hakkai from the kitchen.

"And make sure you wash your mouth out, you filthy monk!"

Sanzo whips around and flings the fan overhand with enviable precision. It embeds in the wall next to Gojyo's head, sending him flying for cover behind a chair. Soap-worthy cussing ensues.



"You're standing guard, Goku." Sanzo is apparently concerned about peeking. Or perhaps the idea of someone else having a shower guard when he doesn't incites a bit of competition. Either way, it makes my visual horizon more believable and less insane by a factor of two. Hurrah!

"But!" Apparently Goku has other plans.

"Thwack!" How can Sanzo handle that fan with such grace when it's as long as he is tall?

Wait... the fan is still in the wall near Gojyo... Where did that... How did he get...

Don't think! Thinking makes it worse!



I look at my coffee cup. My torn up ottoman. My drool-dampened folders.

I drink the coffee.

Work. Snoring Chibi paperweights, bad karaoke from the bathroom, Gojyo taunting Goku and ... work.

For the first time in my life, work looks like the best option.








And for once, I can work! I can really work! Oh, Bliss! Oh, Glee! Oh...

The doorbell begins to ring. It rings with an odd, semi-rhythmic quality, as could be made by a small, vaguely intelligent dog jumping up to hit the bell with its nose.

"...crap." This word has a strange pronunciation as it leaves my mouth: resembling ship or whit, and not crap at all. Chalk it up to solar particles. Crazy things, solar particles.



Dislodge from desk. Apply hand to doorknob and open door without joy. Examine doorstep visitor.

It stops jumping and takes a moment to compose itself. This allows me plenty of time to mentally ridicule it: a small plus in a world of minuses.

"It" is a small lab coat with a heart on the pocket. The lab coat sports a stethoscope, clipboard and very silly moustache. Somewhere inside the lab coat, it can be assumed, is an even smaller chibi. I can see his antennae twitching above the moustache.



"Hello! Ah am zee Hug Doctor. Ah am offerink zee Free Estimates on you Hug Requirement--zu."

Can I kick it? No. That would be wrong...

"Very personal, very personal. We do zee Full Assessment of you specy... specs... speti... spethific Cuddle Need--zu!"




Blink



"No thanks. I've already got one." My voice box appears to have an auto-pilot. Who knew?

Close door. Return to desk.




Gojyo is already reclining on top of the monitor. That little bastard is fast...

"You know, I'm sure we can reach an equitable arrangement if you give it a chance. We have a lot in common: I like cuddles, you like cuddles..."

"How do you know I like cuddles? I might not like cuddles." Gojyo looks at me like I've grown another head. I refuse to check to see if this is so.

"Oh, come on. Everyone likes cuddles." he scoffs.

"Sanzo doesn't like cuddles."

"Sanzo needs therapy. With a stick. Stick Therapy."




Sigh.



"It's just not going to happen, little man."

Gojyo's face begins a bizarre transformation, slowly changing color from peach to pink. He seems to be holding his breath. It's hard to be certain, considering the size and deformation of the facial features, but he appears to be channeling Chibi Rage.

"That's it! I know what you're all about! I bet you'd be all over me if I looked like this, wouldn't you?!" A picture is thrust in my face, partially obscuring Volcano Gojyo. "I bet if would be all kinds of cuddles then!"



The picture... appears to be the cover art for Volume 7 of the Saiyuki manga. Somewhere, far in the distance, I hear the sound of a thin wall breaking.

Gojyo's righteous rage shows no sign of abating. "That's discrimination! Just because I'm a foot tall doesn't mean I don't need hugs! Or... or I'm not a person, or I... You're prejudiced! You'd date this guy in a minute!" The picture is now shaking too hard to see properly. "'Big'-got!"



Take picture from fuming chibi. Examine it more closely.

Gojyo's rant continues without sign of an end. His face is now a lovely shade of crimson and there is steam coming out of his ears. This seems to confirm that his head is not where his brain resides.

"Hold it." I raise a finger as per the Chibi Rules of Extemporaneous Oratory. Gojyo follows suit with the Complete Freeze followed by Eye Rotation towards me.

"I wouldn't date this guy either."




"What!?" The red drains from Gojyo like arterial blood from a neck wound. It is replaced by an ashen grey, from head to foot... clothing included, against all biological likelihood.

"You... you wouldn't date me, even if I still looked like that...?" he squeaks.

"Uh...No." A tiny little heart of unknown composition coalesces and floats in the air above his head. It then shatters, and the pieces scatter on the surface of the desk. Before I can grab one in attempt to see if it is real... or at least, as real as the rest of this idiocy... Hakkai appears with a dustpan and brush, carefully sweeping up the bits.




"But... why?"




"He's a fictional character. Reality dictates that real people can't really date fictional characters. Thinking stuff like that is what gets the Men in White Coats coming to take you away... Ha ha."




In the blink of an eye, the color soaks back into Gojyo. His little heart pulls itself back together out of the dustpan like a ball of pink mercury and disappears into the air.

"Oh. Is that all? Okay, then." He walks off, whistling.

Hakkai catches up to him, apparently with a concern on his mind.

"I'll need my little doctor outfit back now, Gojyo. There's no knowing when someone might get hurt."

"Do I haaaaaaave to?"

"Let me re-phrase: There's no knowing when you'll get hurt."

"Here!"

"I'll be needing the little lab coat soon, you see. I have this theory..."




As they wander off... oh, hell. I have no idea what just happened.



Blink.



...that little bastard ripped the cover off my manga. I'm going to use him as an adorable football next time I see him.




chibichibichibichibichibichibichibichibi

Notes:

Tyrne J writes "beating people up with sticks!"... in which there is a lot of RIGHTEOUS RAGE.

Tokyopop's website has a lovely scan of volume 7's cover art, if you want to know what the Little Man was talking about.

I believe Dr. Demento is the originator of the Funny Farm song, "They're coming to take you away, ha ha."
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