Tuesday, August 30, 2005

   When Chibis Attack! Part 15
Sometimes I make obscure jokes based on the previous narrative. Don't get it? Get some.


In Which Drinking Resumes

The Silence of the Doorbells... disturbs me.

The delivery man long gone, Chibi Sanzo has somehow managed to get the front door open and is dragging a cardboard box inside. He wears the grin of a weasel in a poultry processing plant.

"It's here! It's finally here!"

The other chibis are backing away slowly. Perhaps I should take this as an indication of a Safety Hazard?



Look over Sanzo's tiny shoulders at the Package. It is papered in stickers reading "Rush Order!", "Special Delivery!" and "Valued Customer!!" The stickers obscure the address of the sender:

"Kiss and Hugson," I read aloud.



"It's the latest model! The Saturday Afternoon Special." Sanzo tears the package to pieces with the glee of a magpie on a fresh garbage bag.

"Well... I think I'll go see if... Hakkai needs a hand..." Gojyo has managed to back all the way to the hallway.

"Yes... cookies..." Goku is not far behind... no, wait, in front... of him. They've obviously decided that the sounds of a violent conflict are vastly safer than the malicious laughter that escapes Sanzo as he holds the shiny silver gun aloft.

"Mua ha ha ha haaaaaa!"




It is bright and sunny outside. This indicates that the Chibis do not control the weather, as that laugh calls for a crash of thunder. I am deeply pleased that there are at least meteorological limits to this madness.



Gun in hand, Sanzo walks straight past me and into the kitchen.

"Bang! Bang! Bang!" goes the gun.

Various screaming follows.

Goku, Gojyo and now Kougaiji appear and race down the hall. Sanzo follows in hot pursuit, robes flapping.

"Mua ha ha ha haaa!"

"Bang, bang, bang!"





Walk into kitchen. It looks like a recently demilitarized war zone, complete with craters and smoke.

Hakkai is taking cookies off the cooling rack and putting them into their unbelievable jar.

"Oh, hello. Sorry about the mess; I'll get it cleaned up later. Would you like a cookie? I managed to save most of them..." He hops over an unexploded crumb, holding a little plate.

"No."

Reach into fridge: Rum.

Pour glass.




"Ah. I see. Yes, it has been an eventful morning, hasn't it."

"Ha ha ha," I state blandly.

The screams are getting louder again, as are the "Bang!" noises and evil laughter. They must have gotten to the end of the hallway and turned around.



Drink.



"Won't you have a cookie with that? There won't be any left once Goku... and now apparently Kougaiji... get at them. Ha ha ha. At least try one?"

Glance at Hakkai over rim of glass. Please, oh few snatches of remaining sanity, tell me he's not tearing up. I'm going to start bottling that stuff they constantly leak. Maybe I can sell it, since I sure as hell won't be getting any work done at this rate.



Take cookie. Munch.

"They're pretty good. Well done."

Hakkai brightens visibly, and gives me a little hug. That's what I get for leaning on the counter within Hugging Range.



The three Chibis round the central wall and pass through the kitchen again, Sanzo still tailing them closely.



Drink.



They are gone, just as they came, back down the hall.

Turn to Hakkai, who is carefully fitting a locking lid onto the cookie jar and setting a complicated timing device attached to it.

"It's a bloody cap gun, for crying out loud."

"I know," replies Hakkai with a smile. "But let him have his fun."

"Yarg."

"Have another, won't you." Hakkai proffers a plate again.

"What the hell."

Take cookie. Munch.




"While the others are amused for the moment, I have a matter I'd like to discuss with you." Hakkai pulls the Serious Face.

"Oh." Refill glass. Pause in thought. Return rum to fridge. I have no hope of working if I'm unconscious, and work is what pays for rum.

"Yes, I'm afraid it's quite serious," Hakkai continues. "Excuse me just a minute..."



Chibi Hakkai takes his neatly folded lab coat off the shelf and puts it on. He takes a pair of glasses out of the coat's pocket and replaces his monocle with them.

"Is someone sick?" I ask.

"Well, yes and no. You see, this is the little Scientist outfit: You'll notice there's no stethoscope..."

"Ah."

"But I'm afraid we all may be suffering from a kind of sickness, one that can't be cured by hugs alone."

Drink.

"Have a cookie with that."

"Thanks."

"I'm beginning to suspect that this 'Chibiism' is progressive, and possibly even contagious."

"Really."

"Yes. For example, yesterday I wasn't able to do this..." Hakkai reaches behind his back and pulls out a bunch of flowers. "Here you are."

"Uh... thanks." Put rum down. Search for vase.

"Yesterday, there was nothing but air behind my back. Today I'm rather afraid to reach back there. Even this adorable little outfit is new to me, though it all seems so familiar."

"Maybe you're going insane. Ah, here it is."



Untie pink bow. Put flowers in water. Place in center of table.

Rearrange flowers slightly.

Wait... can hallucinations go insane?

What nice chrysanthemums for this time of year. It's been years since I got flowers...

"I wondered about that, obviously," continues Cho Hakkai, Investigator of the Oddly Cute. "But is also seems to be spreading. Today you used the Chibi Rules of Extemporaneous Oratory, and a form of Chibi Interrogation."

"I did, didn't I..." There they go again, the Four Chibi Orbit of Screams and Bangs.



Drink.



"Cookie? You're welcome. Getting to the point, we really must find a way back to Chibigenkyo and get on our way to Ten-Chibikkyu... or at least find some remedy for this... and we must do it soon. In the meantime, I'm recommending more hugs and plenty of cuddles, but..."

Two brain cells passing in an alcohol ocean...

"Hey, have you seen my cat?"

Silence.




Comments (5)