Monday, September 19, 2005

   When Chibis Attack! Part 16
Mouldering chapters archived here.

Part 16: In Which There is Property Damage


Hakkai is avoiding my eyes.

I love my kitty. She never complains, as long as her dish is full, and she generally provides appropriate levels of fuzziness for my enjoyment. She does not scream, go bang, or receive deliveries.

"Where's my cat, Hakkai?" I repeat, moving to block his tactical retreat.

"Ah ha ha ha... she's quite alright, let me assure you."

"Where."






A curse on all doorbells.

Grab meat-tenderizing mallet.

Front entrance: Open door. Step outside.

Break Doorbell.

Retreat.




Oh, wait. There is a large man standing outside the door, holding a clipboard and pen. He seems oddly surprised by my newly invented DoorNotBell.

"What?" I inquire. I wonder if he would like me to install one at his house. Or would he like to help me apply for the patent?

"Ah!" Is he perhaps simply afraid of my 'Mallet of Peace' De-Doorbelling Tool? "Groceries! Ma'am."

Oh, is that all?

Wait... what?

"... what?" I seem to be repeating myself a lot lately. My life is in the re-runs. Runs, rums... Screw work! Need alcohol!




"Big Men With Little Deliveries, Ma'am." I can read your shirt, sir. I'm not that sloshed... yet.

"... wh-"

"You ordered groceries from us. Internet." The clipboard pays a close visit to my nose. I gaze at the incomprehensible form and wonder if there was some way I could have disabled the doorbell from without opening the door.

"But I'm afraid this isn't a 'Little' delivery, ma'am." He continues, gesturing at the load of boxes and bags. "You see, we don't charge for 'Little' deliveries when you order from Big Me-"

"Yes, yes, I'll take it from here, thank you. Excuse me, please."





My train of thought, trundling along the narrow bridge over the Drunken Gorge, follows thusly: Hakkai, why are you standing on the shoe-holding bench-thingy? Why are you taking off the little lab coat? Why are you plainly visible? Why the hell are you talking?

This train derails, spilling it's contents into the Gorge, and leaving me speechless. After all, I was just going to ask this nice, assumedly real person if he would like a drink.

Perhaps he could help me burn this place down.




"You see," continues Hakkai, the Little Litigant, "it isn't her order. It's mine. Here's the Gold Card."

I feel a sympathetic twinge for the delivery man, whose name tag introduces him as, "Hello! My name is TRAINEE." He looks like he could use a drink. Mine is on the kitchen count...

Wait! I can't leave poor TRAINEE alone with the chibis! They might... eat him? Or get cute with him.

"Snrkt... get cute!... hee hee..."



Whoops! My little vocal slippage appears to have thrown some mental water-wings to his floundering coping skills. His eyes focus entirely on me, slumped in my chair, and exclude all impossible else.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but whoever the order is for, it's too big to qualify as 'Little'."

"A-hem." Hakkai, despite his relatively brief experience as a teacher, has fully mastered the Cough of Authority. Classrooms the world over become curiously silent, and TRAINEE's eyes drag down as if caught by little hooks.



Poor Bastard. Doorbells aren't his friends either, I guess.



"Your website specified that an order qualifies for free delivery if that order is, and I quote, 'a Little order'. When examined the information under your Terms of Service agreement..." Uh-oh. Hakkai has a folder of paper out. Now it's all over but the screaming. "It says right here, 'Under 20 pounds'. Nowhere does it specify if the 'Little' order was an order that is little, or an order that belongs to 'little' (as in person). Can you see this from way up there?"



Poor, poor bastard.



As anyone confronted with their first hallucination would do, and as I have personally experienced, he is trying to look through, or around, Hakkai. He stares intently at the papers, desperately avoiding the tiny fingers holding them aloft.

He is, no doubt, half-looking for an 'off' switch.



There isn't one, kiddo. I checked. Run now, and don't look back!



"You... can't be..."

"Oh, I assure you, I'm well under 20 pounds." Hakkai, are you blushing a little? Why is that cutely disturbing? "I eat well and take care of myself. Who doesn't these days? Anyway, if you have a scale I would be happy to.."

"But! It's the-"




And Comet KouGoGo rounds the Inner Wall System again, trailed by:

"Help! Help! Help!"

"We're gonna diiiiiiieee!"

"Nyaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

"Bang, bang, bang!"

"Mua ha ha ha ha!"





"Sign here."

"Thank you."





And the van is gone, a slight smell of hot rubber wafting in from the street.




"Come help me unpack or there'll be no lunch!" Hakkai calls.

And the Exercise ends as abruptly as it began. Three chibis begin to feign industrious assistance, and one retreats to polish his new gun and cackle maniacally.

"Say, Hakkai, I thought we weren't supposed to let anyone see us...?" Gojyo enquires, having caught his breath.

"I somehow doubt he'll tell anyone what happened. Ah ha ha ha."





They know someone on their own, someone like me, won't talk. They're like the mob. The Chibi Mob.

Someone could make a movie about it. They could call it The Unhuggables.



Kitchen.

Rum!



Brand new and highly adorable art from Lou Blue is up. Here's her take on Chapter 15.

As I type this, I am wearing Kitten Ears on my head. I apologize for any resulting inconsistencies.


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