Friday, January 13, 2006

   When Chibis Attack! Part 25
Walking in in the middle? Previous chapters are here.

Part 25: In Which There is Suspicion


Two paragraphs, and the corresponding two pages, later, Hakkai interrupts my oratory - by falling head-first onto my lap.

He's out like a light. But the light is still on, so I suppose he's out not at all like a light.




Shift book higher. Try to read.

Snoring commences.




Check lap: Hakkai isn't snoring; Gojyo is. Goku is providing harmonious nasal backup, even though he has somehow managed to turn upside-down in his sleep.

To my right, Kougaiji is not only sleeping, but wearing his nightcap, and tucked in to my hair. Not to mention drooling on me and mumbling about cookies.




Could this be the secret to disabling chibis? Is this really the way to return peace and silence to my house?

"What's the hold up? Get on with the reading."

No, of course not. That would be too easy.

Sanzo glares at me over the lowered newspaper. There is a general indication that there will be Trouble if we don't find out how the kitten got out of the tree, and quickly.



"But... they're snoring. You see. And in the way." I gesture helplessly at the four-part Snore Harmony Choir.

"Then toss them somewhere."

Glance down at Hakkai. His fluffy teddy bear is firmly gripped to his little round chest.

"I'll just... put them away. I mean, to bed. You know."

"Then be quick about it!"

My patience snaps like a fatally worn bungee cord: "You could help, you know!" I snap, and toss the book on the couch definitively.




Sanzo heaves the Sigh of the Much Put Upon. Wonder where he learned it from, since he couldn't have come by it naturally. He folds up The Chibi Times, stomps across the couch and grabs Goku by the leg.

"You'll wake him u-" Goku thuds against the ground, only to be dragged down the hall by the Grumpiest Monk. My words of concern elicit nothing but a dismissive, "Ha!" from Sanzo.

Goku's snoring doesn't even falter.



Gather up the remaining personifications of cuteness. Follow Sanzo: Goku bounces unconsciously along behind him, only to be tossed into my sock drawer. Sanzo then stalks out past me, shooting an incongruously sparkly Death Glare at me on the way by.

I'd better hurry, or... uh. Trouble. Lots of Trouble.





Tuck Hakkai in to his neatly-made camp bed. Reluctant to drop Gojyo in to my underwear drawer, I search for a better option.

An unusually helpful idea occurs to me that seems to kill two birds with one stone. As if it was birds what needed killin'.

Tuck Gojyo into my bed, carefully spreading his hair over the pillow. Untangle Kougaiji from my hair. Tangle him in Gojyo's.



I wonder how long that'll fool them?

I wonder where I'm going to sleep tonight?

Affordable local hotel?


They would follow me. I know they would.






Sanzo is waiting, impatiently, on the couch.

Ignore him and his tapping foot. Sit. Open book.

Read two more paragraphs. Pause to treat my vocal cords with alcohol therapy.

"Then what happened? Not that I care..."

Sanzo has migrated from the far end of the couch to Not Touching! distance*. The Paper remains open, but it seems to be upside-down.

Put great effort in to ignoring the Mini-Monk, and all facts concerning the paper. Fuel the effort with rum, an efficient and natural fuel.




After a few more pages, pause again for supplementary alcohol.

The glass drained empty, surviving concentration tries to return to the book, only to be blown off course by the chibi sitting on my lap.




"Uh. Are you..." Sick? Crazy? Out of Character?

"What? I can't see the goddamn book from over there." Sanzo crosses his arms and glowers up at me over his reading glasses. "And don't even think about hugging me! Instant death."




Character remains. Chibiism distorts.

Rum enables.

Drink.

Read.







"The Little Kitten and his Kitten Friends loved their new home, and lived happily ever after."

Close the book.

"Uh... The End?" I add, in an effort to prompt chibi evacuation.

"Hmph," Sanzo snorts. But it's an approving snort, and he uncrosses his arms and takes the book out of my hands. "Not a bad story..."

"Um... Yes. Plenty of..."

"Kittens." Sanzo finishes. "And a happy ending. Not that they even happen like that in reality. Still, kittens should have happy endings."

"...yes." I can only agree. Not final trips to the vet, or close encounters with cars. Only happy endings, in which they inflict mild flesh wounds on helpless owners for the rest of eternity.

Come to think of it, the certainly shouldn't get cuddled to death by certain chibis that will remain unnamed for not-getting-shot purposes.





Yawn artificially, followed by the genuine article. "Well, bed time, I gue-"

It's the briefest movement that draws my eye. Four heads are peeking around the corner. Four pairs of eyes have just caught the Legendary Grumpy Monk in a situation that is suspiciously cuddle-like.

Four huge, sparkling pairs of eyes vanish, and the sound of little, round feet flying up the hall is followed only by...

Well, by Sanzo, cursing and shooting at them, pausing only to refresh the caps in his Kiss & Hugson.




Sigh.



Sleep time for me, too, I guess.

Wander up the hallway in the hope of finding a flat surface and a piece of blanket.






*Footnote: Any parent will be familiar with Not Touching! distance, and even those young enough to remember family car trips will know precisely how far it is.


Sorry for the length of this post, but I wanted you to get a sample of Chibis Gone Wild! I'll be posting the following story on another site and linking to it in future. Don't worry, I'll make the link obvious.





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