Friday, March 3, 2006

   When Chibis Attack! Part 29
Previous chapters are over here.

Part 29: In Which Company Comes

Non-alcoholic coffee has the bitter taste of disappointment. Laugh it off, in the face of the huge eyes staring at me:

"Cut it out, you little leeches. It's too early to be drinking anyway." I see a hat passed among them, slips of paper. Are they taking a pool? Are they betting on when I'll break? Little bastards!

"Then what did you just..."

"Shut it!" Whack Goku on the head with a rolled up piece of the paper to silence his painfully obvious observation. This makes me feel oddly... happy? Satisfied? It's so enjoyable, think about whacking him again. Is this why Sanzo's always...

... glaring at me. Over a half-lowered newspaper.




I doubt he's worried about Goku. No, someone whacking Goku doesn't bother him at all... but I doubt anyone survives for long after stealing his shtick.




"Sorry, sorry, whatever, here, have my toast." Cede toast to Goku. Is that enough penance for you, Mr. Nasty Looks?

"Yay!" Sanzo's newspaper returns to its previous position as Goku does the Dance of Free Food. I breathe carefully.



"Hmmm..." Hakkai is still looking at me, a worried expression on his face. "I would offer to drive you to your appointment, but I can't reach the pedals at the moment."

"Oh, come on!" Exasperation takes its toll. "I drank less than an ounce, and it'll be ages before we leave. I leave. Whatever, point is, it'll be out of my system by then." I'm sober, dammit! Believe me, I would know. And it sucks!

"It's not so much that," Hakkai continues. "It's these hallucinations you say you're having. Are you sure you should be driving when you're seeing things?"






How do you answer that?

Seriously now, what do you say to that?




"I suppose I could sit on your lap... no, I still couldn't see over the dash."

"... it's fine, Hakkai."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, very sure."

"As long as you're sure."




I could really use a drink to help me deal with this whole not drinking thing. Or the hallucinations offering to drive because I'm hallucinating. Or something.

The pills will help. They have to.






It takes me a while to figure out where the Big People shower went to, even though some of the previous bathroom retro-fitting has apparently been undone. A few allowances have been made for Persons of Height.

Nonetheless, I can't stop looking at the tiny, colorful back brushes and towel sets. And that damn fig tree. How the hell did they get that sucker in here? It's bigger than the door.

Thank goodness Kougaiji is faithfully patrolling outside. I dread to think what that tree might do to me if Gojyo tried to peep in.




Need a drink.

Or not. Not really. Really, not really.

Well, I do need a drink, but the drink I need is coffee. Nice, fresh coffee. How long until that bloody appointment? Maybe they'll get me in sooner if I show up early.

Someone is standing outside my front door, yelling, "Ding-dong! Ding-dong!"




This seems silly, even given the current situation.

Twitch front curtain aside, wary of anyone who could be so silly at this time of the morning.

It is Mr. W. Collar, my immediate excuse for management. That explains it. Anyone who would hire me, let alone let me work from home must be a little silly.

Glance at the Little Sillies gathered around my kitchen table.

"I have to let him in. He gives me money, and I need money. Go hide."




Begrudging murmured acknowledgement, and they meander off in different directions. Sanzo pulls out his cigarettes and lighter, and I curse at him as he walks into the bathroom. He gives me the chibi equivalent of The Finger, which would be more appropriately called The Mitten.

When they are no longer directly in my line of sight, I open the door.

This interrupts Mr. Collar in mid- "Ding do-"

"Yeah."

"Oh, hey! You're... awake! I hope I didn't interrupt anything. Your doorbell's broken, you know."

"Really."




He steps past me, inside. It has never ceased to amaze me how this man, who is technically my boss, treats my house like a rather messy office, to be entered at will. While it has a coffee maker, and the teaspoons disappear fairly regularly, I don't think my house is fit to be a public place. The smell of booze should have clued him in to this by now. Booze and laundry.

Or maybe that's just my lack-of-alcohol talking.

Or lack of pills. Yeah. That probably makes a big difference, lack of pills.




"Man, I tell you, did I ever have to get up early to get all the way out here. Couldn't even pick up breakfast. But I didn't want to get all the way out here, just to find you were already... out." I'm not sure I like the sound of that. It seems to hint at something other than mid-morning appointments. "Is that coffee. It smells great."

If you wait long enough, eventually people will tell you what to do. Why bother thinking?

"I'll get you some."




He follows me into the kitchen. Why do people keep following me? Do I have 'Leader' written on my back? 'Sucker' seems more likely.

"What do you take?"

"Oh, cream, sugar, snacks, whatever you've got."

"I'll see what I've got."

Open the fridge, take a bottle of whitener from Goku.





"Uh, sorry, say again?" I try to re-focus on the missing bits of conversation, as Goku, smiling guiltily, re-wraps the ham he was carving and returns it to its drawer.

"I said, what's new? What's up?" A full-sized person is talking. I must think full-sized thoughts, and ignore that big bottle of r-

Close the fridge door.

"Nothing." I say firmly. "Nothing's new around here. Very boring. And sane."

Mr. W. Collar laughs, fiddling with the newspapers. Give him coffee, surreptitiously shuffling the Chibi Times to the bottom of the pile.

"This is great coffee. Makes the whole place smell like breakfast."




Feeding people is not something I do often. Generally, people take one look at my kitchen and decide they aren't hungry. Curse Hakkai's penchant for neatness!

"I think I have some... thing. Something." A cursory examination of the table shows that the chibis have a No Food Left Behind policy vis a vis breakfast.

"Oh, don't trouble yourself!" he says in a 'go ahead, trouble yourself' tone of voice.

"No problem." I say in what I hope is a 'I like my job very much' tone.




Back behind the counter, the bread box slides open. Hakkai hands me a bagel, neatly sliced and adorned with cream cheese, then slides the box shut again.

Whatever his Clean Kitchen policy is responsible for, my appreciation for the Lean, Green Snack-Making Machine is once again renewed. Yes, Chibi Cho Hakkai: smaller than most appliances, but with hundreds of functions and built-in hugs. Warning: May destroy some furniture.



"Thanks, that's awesome!" Mr. Collar accepts my providential bagel. "You really go above and beyond, you know that? Above and beyond. I always appreciated that about you."

If there's any truth to that statement, it's so far above my head that it's completely beyond me.

After all, I bet he doesn't even remember my name.

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