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myOtaku.com
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Birthday
• 1995-03-07
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Female
Location
• Hiding in muh bf's closet
Member Since
• 2007-07-06
Occupation
• wierd almost emo person
Real Name
• Helena
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• watching over 100 anime shows and meeting My Chemical Romance
Anime Fan Since
• ummmmm.I dunno
Favorite Anime
• bleach,hellsing,trinity blood,rozen maiden,Loveless,Gravitation,Fullmetal Alchemist,Cowboy Bebop,Trigun,Ghost In The Shell,Paradise Kiss,Naruto,and Lucky Star
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• moving to Japan
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• drawing,writing songs,singing
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• singing,drawing
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myOtaku.com: CHEMICAL ROMANCE
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Wednesday, November 21, 2007
what do i do?
 i want to die.simple as that.my nana fucking glared at me when i came out my room with some manga,just because i tripped over a box of videos she put in front of my door!i mean i pucked them up for god's sake!now he's mad at me for always being on th computer.it like the only place i can feel safe.why would i want to return to th real world if everybody's always yelling,screaming,and hurting eachother.i don't kno if anybody's noticed yet,but even th slightest bit of yelling done by my nana makes me cry.it has made me insucure.my cousin yuuki even said that im not as trong as i used to be.there has been times were i have told her i am going to kill myself and i have almost sweared at her.she thinks she's deppressed?!try having to put up with her yelling everyday u come home!eversince i moved in with my step-mom i have heard nothing but yelling.i wish she'd just die and go to hell already!im tired of it!im capeable of doing things by myself.i almost went into foster care because i got deppressed and i would cut myself.it seems she doesnt do anything for me except hurt me emotionally more and more.one time i was on th brink of hanging myself and i tried!I jumped off my cousin's roof with the rope attached to my neck.unfortunately the rope snapped.yuuki has been quiet about it though.i feel like everybody hates me.only my step-mom and my biological dad love me.nana doesnt call me sweetie orhoney or darling like she does with my little brothers and sister.it makes me sad when my dad calls me princess because i feel that im not deserving of that title.there are times that i will not talk for days on end.i'll just sit there with my note book planning my demise.ill draw pictures of me killing myself or suicide notes and poems.i worryed my dad last nigh cuz i wouldnt talk and i usually have fun when im talking with my dad,but all i did was stand there and watch him play wow.why cant anyone see that i am fucking depressed.i got a cold right now cuz if im cold i dont go where it is warm i stay there hoping ill freeze.oand lately i havent eaten.i think im trying to starve myself.she got mad at me cuz i accidently melted a bowl.i put it on the burner and it was still hot.i mean everybody does that every onece in a while.my little brother tryed comforting me.she says thats wat was burning,but she asked me when the food was still cooking.shes such an ass hole who wont listen to the whole story.then she gets me in trouble when i dont do anything b/c they believe her over me cuz she's older.shell bend the truth so much it not even close to th real story.i called her a lier and got in trouble once.another thing she doesnt do is:everyday i crunch up in a corner,break-down and cry until i fall asleep with my face behind my knees.i feel i am useless,i cant do anything right and i was supposed to die a long time ago.my real mom never even loved me.she chose drugs and child melestors over me.now shes ded.i disrespected her so much until my dad said that she was skitsofrantic.i still dont forgive her but it makes it hurt less.if my parents could see what's in my diary,they would see what i always keep locked up.i fell that there is no one who could help me.i dont see why ppl make a big deal out of suicide any way cuz we all have to die any way.it just like roses,but in this case.i am the very ugly rose.everybody says im pretty,but i always tell ppl that they are prittier cuz i like to make ppl happi even if i am not.i dont think i can ever be happy.sometimes i think im in a coma and that i will wake up anyday now.ive just been in it for 13 years now.i wonder when i will die.i think its the best thing to do.it would make nana happi and if shes happi everybodies happi.but raven would be sad cuz we both made a promise not to break eachothers hearts cuz theyre broken enuff.just everyday...it feels like ice cold hands are ripping into the flesh of my chest,ripping out my heart,then slowly ripping my sould apart so i suffer more and more,but the pain feels even more real th next day.u kno wat?i am not even safe in my dreams.i have dreams of ppl pushing my off of buildings and cliffs and it hurts so much when i hit th ground.i suffocated in my dream too!if i didnt wake up i would be here.sometimes i wonder if i right to wake up.on sunday i woke up with a terrible headache because i had a dream i shot myself in the head and this morning i had a dream my best friend betrayed me and choked me.now my throat hurts.now my little brothers crying and i wish i would die the most horrible,terrifying,painful death right nowi cant even try to smile and eyes hurt from crying.i need some help,anyway that wat yuuki says.but who could help me?
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