Tuesday, March 9, 2004

Brunette jokes






Well, folks, it
has finally happened.
The blondes of the world got
together and have decided to
take revenge on the brunettes:

WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE
AND BROWN AND
LAYING IN A DITCH?
A brunette who's told
too many blonde jokes.

WHAT DO YOU CALL
GOING ON A BLIND DATE
WITH A BRUNETTE?
Brown-bagging it.

WHAT'S THE REAL REASON
A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE?
No one else wants it.

WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE
JOKES ONE-LINERS?
So brunettes can
remember them.

WHAT DO YOU CALL
A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM
FULL OF BLONDES?
Invisible.

WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S
MATING CALL?
"Has the blonde left yet? "

WHY IS THE BRUNETTE
CONSIDERED
AN EVIL COLOR?
When was the last time
you saw a blonde witch?

WHAT DO BRUNETTES
MISS MOST ABOUT
A GREAT PARTY?
The invitation.

WHAT DO YOU CALL
A GOOD LOOKING MAN
WITH A BRUNETTE?
A hostage.

WHO MAKES BRAS
FOR BRUNETTES?
Fisher-Price

WHY ARE BRUNETTES
SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?
It matches their mustache.

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Saturday, March 6, 2004

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell".

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime




.:Potential and Reality in Men/Women:.


A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores."




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Mama Jokes





Yo Moma's so fat, every time she turns round, it's her birthday

Yo mama's so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone.

Yo mama's so greasy she sweats Crisco

Yo moma is so ugly, she gave Freddy Kruger nightmares.

Yo moma is so fat, she has her own zip code.

Yo moma is so fat, when she farted everyone thought the terrorists were coming.

Yo moma is like a TV, even a three year old can turn her on

Yo moma is so fat, even her shadow has stretch marks

Yo moma is so ugly, she went into a haunted house with tickets and came out with a job

Yo moma is so fat, when she jumps into the air, she gets stuck

Yo moma is like a race car, she burns ten rubbers a day

Yo moma is so fat, when she stepped on the scales it said 'To Be Continued'.

Yo moma is so fat, when she stepped on the scales it said 'One at a time please'

Yo moma is so stupid, she tried to put M&M's in ABC order!

Yo moma is like a bowling ball, people pick her up, finger her, throw her in the gutter and she comes back for more.

Yo mama's so fat her blood type is ragu

Yo moma is so dumb, she stared at an orange juice carton for 20 minutes, because it said 'Concentrate'.
Yo moma is so stupid, she went to enter a stupid contest and they said 'No professionals'

Yo mama's so fat she gets clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, and oh-my-god-it's-coming-towards-us !

Yo mama's so fat she plays hopscotch like this: LA, Detroit, Chicago, NY ..

Yo mama's so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up

Yo mama's so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.

Yo mama's so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.

Yo mama's so fat when the bitch goes to an all You can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.



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Pissed Kitty




What are pets do when we're not in the house








We hit Santa!



Crazy Illusion




.:53 Ways to annoy a cop:.

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"

2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.

3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.

4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......

5. Ask if you can see his gun.

6. Touch him.

7. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.

8. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.

9. Refer to him by his first name.

10. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.

11. When he says no, cry.

12. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.

13. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.

14. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.

15. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.

16. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."

17. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.

18. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.

19. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"

20. Trip and fall into him.

21. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.

22. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.

23. Chew on the pen, nervously.

24. Clean your ear with the pen.

25. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.

26. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....

27. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.

28. Act like you are retarded.

29. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.

30. Mumble to yourself.

31. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?

32. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight.......

33. Ask if they know how to make the donuts.

34. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!

35. Ask if he watches Cops.

36. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.

37. Giggle if he did.

38. Talk to your hand.

39. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.

40. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.

41. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.

42. Try to sell him your car.

43. Ask if you can buy his car.

44. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.

45. Play with the siren.

46. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.

47. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.

48. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.

49. Turn your head and whistle.

50. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.

51. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"

52. Tell him you like men in uniform.

53. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.




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   Blonde Jokes
SPEEDING TICKET..

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if
he could see her license..
The blonde replied in a Huff!-- I wish you guys would get your act together.
Yesterday you took my license away and today you expect me to show it to
you!!!"
EXPOSURE.......

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and has her right
breast hanging out..
The policeman approaches her and says,"Ma'am, are you aware I can cite you for indecent exposure.?"
She says," Why, Officer?" Beacause your breast is hanging out..
She looks down and says," OH MY GAWD!, I left the baby on the bus again."

KNITTING.....

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was
knitting!
Realizing she was oblivious to his flash and siren, the trooper cranked down
his window, turned on his bull-horn and yelled, "PULL OVER!!"
" NO" the blonde yelled back, " SCARF"


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   Poems

.:Love:.
That special someone is out there.
Don't be shy go up to them and say hi.
Show your love by giving them a hug.
Give them a kiss, right on the lips.
Chill with them in the lounge, or make out in the couch.
Tell them you love them then just hug them. You're not depressed, your obsessed.
Give them a present, that will be pleasant. Go up to them and say hi.
Look at them in the eye.
Tell them how u feel, even if they think you're weird.
Some people find love attracting, others find it distracting.
Whatever your case is, you will find it great one day.

.:Love Bug:.
The love bug has striked in your school.
Everyone has got bit but you.
Kisses and hugs and many other signs of love.
You want someone to love you but no one cares about you.
That special someone comes up to you and says hi.
They're nice and shy.
The love bug has bitten you.
And left you tatoo.
A heart shaped tattoo that says: "Just 4 U"

.:Girls:.
Girls like to chill and hang out in the mall.
They like to talk on the phone all night long.
Some are honest others exotic.
Some have boyfriends they kiss and hug.
Those are the ones they truly love.
Some like to shop at Claire's, others just care about their hair.
Every girl has their special quanity.
Pick the one you like there's a variety.

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