Monday, August 9, 2004

Am I going home? Am I alone?
Current mood:

Current theme song: "The World" from .hack//SIGN

Currently listening to: my RealOne player playlist full of pensive/depressing songs

Well, I felt like adding a "currents thing" because...I dunno...it's fun?!?! *sighs* I'm a saaaaaaaad panda...well, it was bound to happen...because I've been really happy for a long time, so eventually it had to go away...well...ain't that wonderful? Ehh...I really haven't done much...the day before yesterday, I had to continue school shopping...in which after being out for hours, all I got was: 2 pairs of jeans, a pair of sandals, Gravi DVD(^___^), and Princess Ai...what?! I stopped by SamGoody! Jeez...eh, that day I also went to a Japanese restaurant called Matsu. I had Yellow tail, 2 shrimp tempura rolls, and...TAKO SASHIMI(tako=octupus)!!! Actually, it was...OK. I probably wouldn't get it again though...because it's SOO hard to chew! I had to stick it in my mouth, and just pull the rest...but it was worth it, because I og to see my mom struggle with her chopsticks!! XP You'd think I suck because I'm usually not coordinated but...-.- Never mind, you're probably bored, right? Well..yesterday I had to stay home all day because we to take care of my 2-year-old cousin, Mattheas, AGAIN. But...the really sad part is, my 1-year-old cousin, Diego, which is also Mattheas's brother...well, he has a really rare disease...which I forget what it's called...(only 6 babies in Texas have it), but he has lung problems...and, babies with his condition never live to be older than, like 12 or 13 years old...u.u also, he's in the ICU and on pain relievers, so this time...he might really die...anyway, the other day my dad said he would take me to Planet Anime, the nearest anime speciality store, and yesterday, I asked him, nicely, at like 5 or 6:30 PM, and he was all like,"Well, I was gonna go visit Diego at the hospital. He might die." And I told him that I was really bored, implying that he give me some suggestion on what I should do instead. BUT, he took it that I was begging..ugh, I HATE it when people think that you're thinking selfishly, when you're really implying something ELSE!! >< Well, then he started to give me this disgusted look and said,"Look, which is more important? Diego is sick and you're bored. THAT outweigh's Shelby's boredom. Does death mean nothing to you?" And then, I tried to tell him that I wasn't pleading or begging, I was just asking a suggestion and whatnot, but he was still all disgusted and said something that I take as,"Go inside, you insensitive ass!"(we were outside) Then, I just went inside and apoligized to my friend...(you know who you are! ><) Well, my thoughts:

He should've listened and not kindof cut me off. And as for Diego, yeah it's sad that he'll probably die and shit, but I'm sorry, it's hard for me to be sensitive to people I barely know...because I rarely go over to my grandparent's house anymore. And, I don't know why, but I think sometimes people get the idea that I'm selfish and col and mean, but I'm NOT! I just do things more differently than most people. And, somtimes, I can act a little disrespectful, but that's just the way I treat almost everyone. I treat adults and my peers the same way. I don't give people respect unless they deserve it! I am the way I am, and some people don't like it. Well, THEY have a problem. And, death doesn't mean nothing to me. Like I said before, I really can't get sad or truly sympathetic unless I'm close to that person. In which, Diego's just a little baby. It's kind of...different for me, because he's so little and...besides that, he may be a year old, but he can't sit up by himself, or walk, or talk the slightest bit...well, actually, I really don't know how old you are when you first do those things, but what I mean is, he can't do most things regular babies can. I'm not saying he's tupid or incompetent, he's just...different, but not in a bad way. I mean, usually, when I think of someone dying, it's usually someone a LOT older...because when kids are younger, they're sheltered from violent, young, deaths. Even though it happens, little kids can't grasp the idea of "gone forever." That's kind of what it's like for me, I guess. I suppose I' a little repressed...so, now I'm in an awkward position, because I really don't wanna see my dad for awhile or the rest of the people of the paternal side of my family. They're to strained and tense. Honestly...especially my grandfather, becuase I think that he's the worst about that. He can really bite people's heads off sometimes...*sighs* Moving on...

Yestersday, my friend and I took a LOT of those KwikKwizzes...and some of them mentioned things such as,"would you ever kiss or date someone of the same sex?" And, every time in mentioned something involving girlXgirl relationships. she got all grossed out and saod stuff like,"ewww! I would NEVER do that! That's disgusting!" And other things to the same extent...and that kind of hurt my feelings...because, according to her, does that make me sick and disgusting and filthy?! That just bothers me...and, have you noticed, that almost ALL straight yaoi/shounen-ai fangirls have something against girlXgirl relationships? I find that really weird...but, it felt that when she said all that, even though she probably was just saying that to keep her "straight pride" inatact...but, to me, it felt as if she was saying implying that I was filthy and diseased...and that I should be quarantined or something...because it's NOT sick and disgusting! So what if I find giys AND girls attractive?! I don't care!! >< You know, I really don't know anything anymore...I'm just really really really confused, that's all...and, now, I feel as if someone took a very large chunk of my pride...in which I had very little to begin with anyways...I probably shouldn't say anymore...I'm probably boring you to death, right? Well, for sake of other people's sanity...bye, I guess...>_> *runs off very vry fast-like*
(By the way, the title words are from "Gravity" from Wolf's Rain...)
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