Tuesday, May 31, 2005

   A lot on my chest
I was reading my fellow classmates livejournals that I passed over by accident, and the more realize I have the exact same fears as everyone else. I guess my biggest fear is growing up, going to college and starting my own life. I knew it was coming, but does it have to be so soon? I mean sure I've wanted to be on my own but I never thought life could move so quickly. I now believe life moves the fastest when your happy. Even though I have my two biggest regrets my senior year, I will admit it has been my happiest. And since its gone so fast I want to relive it, but as my mom says the teen year are the best times in your life, treasure each day. And I have. Lord knows I have. Especially the past 3 months.

But what am I going to do since I'm done with high school? I know I'm going to college and getting a job but does everything else come naturally to you? I'm scared stiff, I'm unable to comprehend my next steps in life. It feels as a black whole.

My deepest darkest secret: I really just want to be a homemaker and have a good family. Love is my goal in life. I know my parents love me but its still not enough. I want someone to be head over heels in love with me and vise versa. Someone I know that will never leave me and love me unconditionally.

Yes, I am still dating Mason, it will be a week Wednesday. But as several of my friends keep drilling in my head 'he's not the one' and 'couples that meet in high school never last', and it kills me. And I am almost starting to believe them. I'm so quiet around him, I can't break out of my shell. I'm honestly crazy about him but how can a relationship work when I feel I always need to impress him. Didn't Mason choose me? Why am I having these second thoughts? Are we that different? Does he seriously like me for me? Why me? I'm the worst person to try to have a relationship with. God, why do my friends get into my head?? Why can't I think for myself, be myself?! I really love Mason (Yes love) for being with me. For choosing me. He has truely made my life 100% better. The past 3 months have been like a dream. Every time I am with him, it has been as a dream. I don't want to lose it. Its been the best, and I'm scared to death me over thinking everything will kill it. GOd help me, you had him walk into my life, please don't let him leave. I seriously want him here.

I keep telling myself, one day at a time. Don't rush or over think things. Let the leaves fall where they may when it comes to your life, and trust in the lord. He has a plan for you, trust in him. Its so hard not know what life has instore for me.

Ok on a few lighter notes:

Mom talked to Kim, my next door neighbors sister in law, and found out a good place I could apply for a job and use Kim as a reference. I'm going today (since it is in the AM of Tuesday). The place is called Rue 21, its at the mall, which is cool. Hopefully I can get it. I'm just worried it will cut into my being with Mason time. I need money too, tho.

Mason and I time has been cut down to a trinkle. Over the weekend I was out of town and Mason was at his mom's. We still chatted everyday on the phone. Terry brought up the fact I might be smothering him, and I might be pushing him away. I told Terry Mason asked me to call, thats not smothering. What am I suppose to act like I'm not interested? I really wish people would stop putting doubts in my head. But anyway Tuesday I have the Awards ceremony that will last forever, and I didn't want him to suffer through it. Wednesday I have church, I told him he's welcome to come, but I don't think he will. Thursday is our day to be together, but before we're together I have graduation practice and Will's surgery to pray about. Friday my Dad and grandfather comes in, so I get to entertain him all weekend. Saturday is my graduation, Mason will be there but I don't know how much time I'll get to spend with him. Sunday I see off dad, and hopefully get to go to church. I have yet to go for the past few weeks because of prom and vacation. This week sucks. Last week Mason and I saw each other everyday. Arg!

I talked to Dad today. I was trying to get his itenerary for saturday, and I'm telling you it was harder than pulling teeth. I want to know when so I could meet them and greet then at the airport, be the good little daughter I was suppose to be. Well it turns out he already made arrangements for the hotel to come pick them up. Grrrr the one time I try to be a decent young lady I'm suppose to be and he pretty much slams the door in my face. I don't think Dad and I will ever click like we use to. I still think we're going to go out to eat, it will be around 8:30 at night but what the hell. I'm hopeful I'll still have a good time.

I wanna rant more but I think I have more than enough this post.

Lots of love!!
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