Thursday, July 14, 2005

   Quotes I got from dad that I liked. (Part 1 of a zillion)
My faves are marked by "~*~*~*~" before the quote!

~*~*~*~
The chicken probably came before the egg because it is hard to imagine God wanting to sit on an egg.
-Unknown

~*~*~*~
I'm astounded by people who want to "know" the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
-Woody Allen

~*~*~*~
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
-Charles Schulz

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches.
-Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884-1980)

There is more to life than increasing its speed.
-Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

~*~*~*~
Life is what happens while you are making other plans.
-John Lennon (1940-1980)

Life is a God-damned, stinking, treacherous game and nine hundred and ninety-nine men out of a thousand are bastards.
-Theodore Dreiser (1871-1945)

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-Woody Allen

~*~*~*~
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
-Groucho Marx (1890-1970)

~*~*~*~
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
-Paul Fix

Don't be humble. You're not that great.
-Golda Meir (1898-1978)

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
-Sam Levenson (1911-1980)

~*~*~*~
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
-Joan Rivers

A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

~*~*~*~
Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
-Plato (427?-348?) B.C.

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.
-Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)

I never met a kid I liked.
-W. C. Fields (1880-1946)

~*~*~*~
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing was happening, so I said to her, "What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?"
-Rodney Dangerfield

My work is done, why wait?
Suicide note left by Kodak founder
-George Eastman (1854-1932)

~*~*~*~
Punctuality is the thief of time.
--Oscar Wilde

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
--Bill Cosby

Any fool can make a rule.
--Henry David Thoreau

~*~*~*~
I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.
--Elayne Boosler

Only the shallow know themselves.
--Oscar Wilde

~*~*~*~
I've always been interested in people, but I've never liked them.
--W. Somerset Maugham

~*~*~*~
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
--Alice Roosevelt Longworth

~*~*~*~
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
--Oscar Wilde

The higher the buildings the lower the morals.
--Noel Coward

~*~*~*~
I haven't been wrong since 1961, when I thought I made a mistake.
--Bob Hudson

I may have my faults, but being wrong ain't one of them.
--Jimmy Hoffa

~*~*~*~
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
--John F. Kennedy

~*~*~*~
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.
- Mother Teresa

~*~*~*~
Men should stop fighting among themselves and start fighting insects.
--Luther Burbank

~*~*~*~
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
--Erma Bombeck's father

~*~*~*~
If today was a fish, I'd throw it back in.
--Song title

Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
--Lily Tomlin

~*~*~*~
If my film makes one more person miserable, I'll feel I've done my job.
--Woody Allen

From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.
--Sophie Tucker

~*~*~*~
The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.
--John Ancis

~*~*~*~
Progress might have been all right once but it has gone on too long.
--Ogden Nash

There are plenty of good five-cent cigars in the country. The trouble is they cost a quarter. What this country really needs is a good five-cent nickel.
--Franklin P. Adams

~*~*~*~
We can't all be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
--Will Rogers

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
--Ogden Nash

Tradition is what you resort to when you don't have the time or the money to do it right.
--Kurt Herbert Adler

~*~*~*~
If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel.
--Will Kommen

When you have got an elephant by the hind legs and he is trying to run away, it is best to let him run.
--Abraham Lincoln

In the end, everything is a gag.
--Charlie Chaplin

Science has not yet found a cure for the pun.
--Robert Byrne

Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.
--Erik Satie

~*~*~*~
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
--Napoleon

Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
--Dr. Karl Bowman

The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.
--Polish proverb

The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was, "Are you sure you're not a cop?"
--Larry Brown

~*~*~*~
I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
--Chico Marx

~*~*~*~
If God had meant us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs.
--Malcolm Bradbury

~*~*~*~
It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
--Joan Rivers

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they do today.
--Will Rogers

The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love.
--Don Rose

~*~*~*~
When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.
--Helen Rowland

Honesty has ruined more marriages than infidelity.
--Charles McCabe

I believe in the institution of marriage and I intend to keep trying unil I get it right.
--Richard Pryor

~*~*~*~
It wasn't exactly a divorce---I was traded.
--Tim Conway

I'll post later
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