Tuesday, August 19, 2008

   Ranting...discovering myself...

Play wonderland online!

So…I’ve been realizing more and more that I’ve been pretty much born and raised to be a housewife. No, more like the model housewife. I can cook, bake, clean, do laundry, iron, sew, knit, crochet… I can be quiet for days on end if needed; only speaking when spoken to. I can keep my hubby pleased and pleasured with massages and utterly fantastic sex due to training flexibility and reflexes… I’m patient, a listener and advise-giver and I’m amazing with kids.



The only problem is…these skills don’t do me any justice as a single 20-year-old…unless I want to become a risky aged, overly polite hooker. [shakes head]



Not only has being raised this way left me with little skills I feel are actually marketable, it also lowers my ability to feel a need for other skills. It lowers my self-esteem and inhibitions, making me believe that I was created and exist only to please others, specifically, my future husband and family.



When I was younger, I thrived under my parents’ regime. I sought only to please them and make them proud of me. Eventually, it got to a point where I wasn’t sure what I even liked to do anymore, as long as it made them happy. College became a melting point for me because for once I was alone with the freedom to be myself and do what I liked…only…I had no idea what that was or even what it meant. I was faced with thoughts and decisions I had run away from for years and soon found myself unsuccessfully running away from myself.



Late in middle school, I began to question my sexuality. It seemed to me that girls were nearly as attractive as boys, not that I could ever admit this. I spent every day trying to purge myself of these feelings, begging God for forgiveness and confessing sins I didn’t commit. In high school, things only got worse when I began to crush on a close female friend and experience my first try at heterosexual romance.



Coming out as bisexual was just one of the many things college forced me to reckon with. Finding girls interesting and beautiful and attractive…all the things that drew me to guys…and having girls return those thoughts and feelings was something new and exciting. I began to accept girls flirting with me and flirting back and simply feel in love with all my new friends—gay, bi and straight alike.



I swear Brokeback Mountain helped to change my life. Anyone who has not seen that movie should. It’s precious and beautiful and I treasure it.



Unfortunately, college was also the time that forced me to realize my state of mental health. I am not doing well, have not been for some time, as I developed clinical depression at the age of five, clinical depression that quickly developed into clinical depression with bipolar and OCD tendencies, coupled later with anxiety and panic disorder.



The more comfortable I became with my new-found sense of self, the more I hated and feared myself. Panic attacks and sheer fear of everything around me found me hiding in the corner of my dorm room day after day, no longer able to breathe when I tried to get to class. I attempted college three times, only to have these results. [sigh]



Something that pushed me even further over the deep end was that, while discovering my sexual identity, I was also discovering the identity of sex itself. Growing up, sex was never mentioned, never talked about until after I was verbally abused in 7th grade and asked my mother what “fuck” even meant. After that, sex became something dirty, something evil, and something that I would never, ever, do. At least, so I thought. No one ever told me that in its beautiful disgustingness, sex actually felt good, amazingly good; a little foreplay could help you forget all your problems, just for awhile, as you basked in the relief and release of orgasms and endorphins.



Dating in college, I wouldn’t let my boyfriend go past fingering…he ate me out once but…yeah. And I was fine with this. I…convinced myself I was… until when, at the point he got me to my breaking point, where I was just about to say “screw my morals and beliefs, just sex me up already!” he broke up with me, saying that he viewed me as a clingy younger sister.



Well, cause that didn’t torture my self-image at all… Nope, just as ineffective as my music major advisor telling me I had better have already picked a new major because her cat could do better than I could.



So…college was pretty much a bust…though, it did give me several wonderful things:

1) I came out as bisexual…some days I view that as awful, but most days it’s a lift off my shoulders.

2) I met and fell in love with my wonderful boyfriend of almost 2 years, who is now my fiancé.

3) I found out what I actually want to do with my life!



And sure, part of that involves being a housewife and mother…but there’s more to it than that. I went back to my roots of childhood and discovered that, yes, I really did love music, but as a hobby, and as a side job—singing for masses and weddings and funerals. What really interests me is what I’ve been surrounded with my whole life: medicine…blood and urine and their purpose and the messages they give us; diagnosis and disease and treatment. I’m enrolled to become a Medical Laboratory Technician, and though I’m kinda being forced to take some time off to get my own medical affairs in order, I can’t wait to return to school and my calling.



Someday, I will be a wife and mother, and I’m excited for that! Excited…and terrified [smiles]. Terrified because, even though I’ve been prepared for it, I know what a burden it will be. Terrified, because with my fertility problems, I’ve already lost one chance at a new life. Terrified, because I’m afraid that even with my best tries, I’ll raise kids who will turn out to hate me. Or at least temporarily hate me, like the situation I put my own parents in.



Overall though, I am excited. Excited because this is what I was raised to do. Excited because I have found the one person, now knowing that gender doesn’t matter, who I can fully love and devote myself to without having it feel like a sacrifice and instead feel like a pleasure. Excited because I have somehow been granted the luck to be surrounded by friends and family who truly love me, support me and lift me up. Excited, because I finally feel that this strange mix of talents, feelings and abilities bound up in me can be accepted by those who truly care for me and even by myself. I have found someone who takes me just the way I am and embraces that, making me better than I could have dreamed I could be. For all his shortcomings, it is in him that my true excitement lies, for I love him with a love so powerful and overwhelming I have to laugh everyday at God’s joke of giving him to me when I had decided I gave up on love.



[End of Part 1 of “My Discovery” ^-^;;]

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Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Feel the pain...of those inferior beings...as you burn in Hell -Kratos Aurion

Play wonderland online! =_= today and the past few days have been absolute augh
Been working on trying to get social security
Been working on police report and charges and what not for that abusive ex...also, seeking harbor house consouling because of ex
Got to talk to bf for a bit...I miss him...he randomly shaved his beard off!!!! I can't believe it!!!! I have to see this!!!! He -never shaves off his beard!!!

I got to see my Grandmas on the weekend, this coming weekend I get to visit one of my bffs Lacy and my cat Pinocchio (he lives with Lacy cuz my family is mean DX)

The week-end after that is my Grandma H's church picnic, which is always fun~! tehe

Oh! Some major news...my aunt asked me to be the wedding musician/singer for her wedding the day after thanksgiving!!! OY! I feel so honored... but so busy as well XD I'm going through all these songbooks plus I'm working on my dress. *phew* dragging the bf to that wedding though...and going with him to his sister's wedding in september. Oy...weddings...got a cousin's wedding to go to in October in Minnesota...MALL OF AMERICA--HERE I COME! lulz

I got new bras yesterday too DX They're kinda like Grandma bras...but at least my back and neck feel better...stupid big boobs...*pokes boobs* But I found Joe Boxer Women's sleep boxers on major clearence...so I got those too XD

and then found out today that I'm being charged random crap b/c of credit card fraud. The saddest part of that--this is the second time I've been a victim of credit card fraud. Two different credit card companies and augh.

Actually, just these past few days at home:
AUGHGHGHGHGHGHHGUUUUUUUUUUUUGHGHGHGHGHGHHGUUUUGH!

And this post is all spazz cuz I haven't been feeling well or sleeping well for like a week or two and I'm dizzy and half-numb. Oh wellz

TTFN, otakuins!!

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Friday, May 30, 2008

   Anxious yet Excited

Play wonderland online! hm...so I'm a bit excited for today, though I'm anxious too. I finally get my hair thinned after it causing head aches for a week. Lord knows I need that. Especially since it's so long now! O: Though I do love being a red head...mwuahahahahaha



I'm getting my eyes checked today and I'm scared...for the first time in my life, my eyes stopped changing the past two years, but I'm afraid they'll be really bad again this year...noooez! I mean, my eyes have been bothering me a bit :( I really want them to stop changing and to get my diabetes in awesome control so that I can get lazer eye surgery...but that dream may be pushed back again...

On top of that, I need to get my eyes dialated because of the diabetes and so my pupils are like: (o)_(o) instead of the usual (.)_(.) and it's hard to see like that, lol. Plus I get to go grocery shopping like that XD



Now on to the most EXCITING news. I've been looking for work in De Pere/Green Bay so that I can more easily move to Green Bay, where I go to school. Well...I got a call today about an interview for an office job in De Pere...a part of De Pere which is close to my school in Green Bay!!!!! Whoot! If/When I get this job, my fiance and I plan to get a little apartment together in Green Bay...I'm so excited XD and really, really happy.

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Tuesday, April 22, 2008

   Had to rant where my IRL friends wouldn't find it...

Play wonderland online! First off...I'm sick...

I got the cold my youngest brother had, only I seem to have it even worse, nya. I've shivering and sneezing and coughing and puking and hardly breathing and so half-living off of my inhaler.

And I'm supposed to work a 6 hour shift in ... 9 hours.

Anyways...onto what's really bothering me.

I've literally been through hell these past 7 or 8 months. I got into a relationship with a woman and even though I was heavily abused physically, emotionally, mentally...I let it go on for just over 6 months. Why? Why did I do it...I don't even know...I lost so many friends from it...I've lost so much money because of it... I'm still losing money because of it... I was beaten and raped but...

I don't even know anymore.

Some friends I was really close with have left me in the dust like we never had anything at all. No, worse than that. Like I don't exist and never did. All I want is to be loved ... I have so many "acquiescences" and "colleagues" but all they serve to do is break my heart more and more each day. I have like 3 or 4 actual real friends...but even out of them I feel like there's only 1 I can really show MYSELF to...whoever that is. I was so scared because I broke down in front of her and my newest close friend the other day. *breaks down crying* But they just held me and listened to me and in doing so did more for me than anyone's done in a long, long time.

I'm so scared...everyday. Since my boyfriend and I have gotten back together...sometimes it seems like all we talk about is sex and I'm so scared because I don't want to be touched...yet I want to be touched...I want him to touch me because I love him completely yet I never want to be touched because I keep re-living my ex-girlfriend and my brother beating me up and hurting me. I'm dealing with a bit of post traumatic stress disorder and I just dun know what to do...

And I hate family counseling because all it does is make me relive everything as my brother tells the counselor that he got violent because he hates me.

And yet I live with my family...because I don't have a choice. I don't have any friends I can stay with, I can't afford to live on my own, and I can't stay in a shelter because I already have a job...little hours and pay as it is...

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry to the world to rant like this, whether anyone reads it or not.

I just...want to disappear.

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Sunday, March 23, 2008

   So...

Play wonderland online! Happy Easter everyone! I was planning to put up an Easter theme, but it'll be a few days late. There was...a bit of a family emergency today. I guess it kinda boiled down to my brother Hiroko-Kun being in the hospital for a few days. Please don't ask me about it 'cause like I said...it's complicated and painful.

Please pray for my whole family though.

I work tomorrow but I may be on for a bit.

Ciao

~*~AliCia~*~

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Thursday, February 14, 2008

Happy V-Day All

Play wonderland online!

Well, I had two valentines this year! I have a bf and a gf and they both gave me chocolate. It's the first V-Day I've ever had someone let alone two someones and the first time I ever got chocolates so yeah...it was really special ^//^

Today, where I live it is snowing like crazy but I have two interviews to go to *o*

Wish me luck ♥

~*~AliCia~*~

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Friday, January 18, 2008

   I am comtemplating

Play wonderland online! I may not kill myself. I can't promise not to hurt myself, for it's too late for that and I'd just be a hypocrite.

I'm applying for more jobs. I don't know how that will go...but...I think I'll try and wait until 50 to wig out...that gives me like 15 more...

I thank those who commented. That calmed me a bit. I am going to try and seek some help for my bipolar. And I have my one and only Tanya to live for plus my Mom seems to be coming around a bit.

Wish me luck.

Please.

Also I will try to visit people again.

Currently listening to: Playlist I made for MySpace (including Take Me Out Tonight from Rent)

Currently hating on: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome!! and my day yesterday which deserves a post of its own...but my carpal tunnel is hurting too bad for that

Durrently thanking Kami for: My beautiful fiancee Tanya, crazy otaku, and RHPS (Rocky Horror Picture Show)

Ooooooooh, and I joined deviantart, but I didn't finish any pics to post yet, so don't visit, lol. (Deviant Art = Cecelia327)

MYSPACE

Oooooooh, and check out the following webcomics! They is AWESOME!

Megatokyo I haven't read this one in awhile, but it's what got me started on webcomics.

Misfile My second webcomic, just amazing!

Striptease Comic I promise it's not porn.

Currently reading: Sore Thumbs (another webcomic)

TTFN

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Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Something I should have done a long time ago

Play wonderland online! I have decided to kill myself.

I'm not sure when, cause I'm kinda scared of it...I've chickened out before.

I'm not posting this for pity, or attention. I guess I kinda just wanted someone to know.

It's just that I have fully come to the conclusion that I have nothing to live for anymore. My best friends are leaving me and turning their entire families against me, not even allowing me to apologize for anything I've done or not done. My ex-fiance called off the wedding and then raped me. My family views me as a financial obsticle and a bit of a curse. My girlfriend is currently living in a homeless shelter and my seemingly last remaining best friend is just on the verge of admitting that all I am is a burden and that I should just leave her alone.

I have applied for over thirty jobs in the past week, even at places DESPERATE for help, and I all get is negative responses.

Thank you for supporting me all this time.

AliCia

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Thursday, November 29, 2007

Just Upset

Play wonderland online! I know I know, I haven't updated in a million years. But I wanted to enter a tiny little blurp rant. I'm so upset with my life right now...and I really wish my parents could accept me for who I am instead of regarding me...the way they do...

I MEAN HONESTLY!!

I laugh, I love, I hope, I try
I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry
And i know you do the same things too
So we're really not that different....
So we're really not that different..me and you [:Colin Raye]

(BiPride)

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Monday, February 12, 2007

MY TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY!

Play wonderland online! Okay, so I know I'm a little late on this, but I've been an official member of myO for 2 years now! *go me--throws confetti*

More about that later, first let me explain that awful post from a little while back.

For awhile there, it seemed my whole life had fallen apart. What I thought was my life, my everything, my boyfriend who had proposed to me and asked me to wait to marry him after finishing school...broke up with me. And then decided to be an ass to me.

And the friend I turned to...the guy I thought would only ever be a friend...has turned into the most wonderful caring boyfriend a girl could ask for. It's like my whole life has been turned inside out and upside down...yet...I'm appreciative...? LOL, yeah, had to find a good "confused" look. :P

Yeah, appreciative. I've been taking time, healing. And I realize that I was never even that happy with the man I "loved". I'm sorry, that doesn't make sense, does it? Well, you see, he was constatly trying to get me to change who I was deep down inside to the core. To give up my main beliefs and values to turn into his idea of who I should be. I got to the point that whenever someone said they wanted to talk to me, my heart beat a thousand times a minutes because that must mean that I'd done something wrong.

I took some time off from relationships (though in hindsight, very little time) and I'm still healing. The new bf and I are taking it slow, just taking time to get to know one another and talk. It's nice.

Alrighty then, now that the set-up is there, the main reason I made that post is because I almost ended up in the hospital!! I was really sick for about 2-3 weeks, and my doctor thought I might have appendicitus! I'm thankfully doing much better now, and am able to tell you about my anniversary ^^

So, yep, some of you may have noticed the special background made for me by my bro, Hiroko-Kun. Well, there is a special trick to this wallpaper and that is...

~*~Cia-Chan's 2-Yr Anniversary Wallpaper Anime and RPG Knowledge Contest!!~*~ LOL
So, yeah, for the next 2 weeks, you guys will be guessing the body behind each letter of this wallpaper.
From you I will need: The letter you chose, the name of the person or persons in the letter, and the anime and/or video game that person or persons is/are from.
Different prizes will be awarded based on the difficulty of the letter selected and the correctness of the answer provided.
~*~In order of difficulty, easiest to hardest~*~
A: Quite Easy (I will provide the winner with a special avatar for his or her site)

I: Still Pretty Easy (I will design a special banner of friendship for the winner to display on his or her site)

E: Getting Harder (The winner of this will recieve a friendship banner as well as be advertised on my site for 2-3 weeks)

N: Relatively Difficult (The winner of this will recieve: an avatar, a friendship banner, and be advertised on my site for a month)

M: Impossible (The winner of this will earn the title of causing Cia-Chan to go "WTF, how did someone actually decipher this?!" and also, I will design an entire theme for him/her and advertise him/her on my site for a month)

So....ready? You have two weeks to research. There can be multiple winners for the easy letters (A&I) but no one person can recieve prizes for more than one letter.

On your mark...ready...set...go!

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