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Thursday, November 24, 2005


   Silove found a slogan site and I had to try it out

Play wonderland online! The Non-Sticky Sticky Cia-Chan.
There Ain't No Party Like A Cia-Chan Party. Is that true Sensei...lol
Have You Forgotten How Good Cia-Chan Tastes? >< lol
Nothing Comes Between Me And My Cia-Chan. ^/////^
Takes a Cia-Chan but it Keeps on Tickin'.
3-in-1 Protection for your Cia-Chan. 3-in-1 huh?
Cia-Chan - It Looks Good on You. < oh man, in some ways this makes me feel ^//^ but in other ways I think it could be taken in a dirty way...
Built Cia-Chan Tough. hehe
Wouldn't You Rather Be Cia-Chan? probably not, I'm rather insane

Okay, I should stop that now *dissolves laughter and wipes off tears*

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!
I am thankful for:
Things that let me express my crazy-ness! Things that are just as crazy as me >< lol! Everyone on here who puts up with my crazyness. Everybody in the "real world" who puts up with my crazyness everyday! My family, My friends, My boyfriend, that I'm finally starting to take care of myself and get therapy, that I got accepted into my number one school, that I'm called cute >///<

I am thankful that I am loved and that I can love and I am thankful for God! God is love and in Him is all greatness!


Image hosted by Photobucket.com


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Wednesday, November 23, 2005


   1000 hits *teary eyed*



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   ^-^ meep ^-^

Play wonderland online! Congratulations! You have been admitted to **College**! If you haven't already received your admissions packet via postal mail, you will receive it soon. Your admission letter will include your **college** campus ID, network username, password, and e-mail account. Please go to **college website** for information about what happens now! Welcome!


Go to Admitted Student page

hehe, didn't want to paste the name of the school everywhere, if you want to know it, PM me.


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Tuesday, November 22, 2005


So...tired...u.u

Play wonderland online! Sorry I haven't been visitng and what-not...

TT_TT me so sorry! me been very sick! me pissed off at world and life. Anyways, me starting anti-depressants tomorrow, life very hectec...lots of homework to catch up on and the like...me feel very ill now...me thinks me will go lay down...kyu.....

me sorry ;-;


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Monday, November 21, 2005


TT_TT

Play wonderland online! A cold March wind danced around the dead of night in Dallas
>
> as the doctor walked into the small hospital room of
>
> Diana Blessing. She was still groggy from surgery.
>
> Her husband, David, held her hand as they braced themselves
>
> for the latest news.
>
>
> That afternoon of March 10, 1991, complications had forced
>
> Diana, only 24-weeks pregnant, to undergo an emergency
>
> Cesarean to deliver couple's new daughter, Dana Lu Blessing.
>
>
> At 12 inches long and weighing only one pound nine ounces,
>
> they already knew she was perilously premature.
>
> Still, the doctor's soft words dropped like bombs.
>
>
> "I don't think she's going to make it," he said, as kindly
>
> as he could.
>
>
> "There's only a 10-percent chance she will live through the
>
> night, and even then, if by some slim chance she does make
>
> it, her future could be a very cruel one."
>
>
> Numb with disbelief, David and Diana listened as the doctor
>
> described the devastating problems Dana would likely face
>
> if she survived.
>
>
> She would never walk, she would never talk, she would
>
> probably be blind, and she would certainly be prone to
>
> other catastrophic conditions from cerebral palsy to
>
> complete mental retardation, and on and on.
>
>
> "No! No!" was all Diana could say.
>
>
> She and David, with their 5-year-old son Dustin, had long
>
> dreamed of the day they would have a daughter to become a
>
> family of four. Now, within a matter of hours, that dream
>
> was slipping away.
>
>
> But as those first days passed, a new agony set in for
>
> David and Diana.
>
>
> Because Dana's underdeveloped nervous system was
>
> essentially 'raw', the lightest kiss or caress only
>
> intensified her discomfort, so they couldn't even cradle
>
> their tiny baby girl against their chests to offer the
>
> strength of their love. All they could do, as Dana
>
> struggled alone beneath the ultraviolet light in the tangle
>
> of tubes and wires, was to pray that God would stay close
>
> to their precious little girl.
>
>
> There was never a moment when Dana suddenly grew stronger.
>
> But as the weeks went by, she did slowly gain an ounce of
>
> weight here and an ounce of strength there.
>
>
> At last, when Dana turned two months old, her parents were
>
> able to hold her in their arms for the very first time. And
>
> two months later, though doctors continued to gently but
>
> grimly warn that her chances of surviving, much less living
>
> any kind of normal life, were next to zero, Dana went home
>
> from the hospital, just as her mother had predicted.
>
>
> Five years later, when Dana was a petite but feisty young
>
> girl with glittering gray eyes and an unquenchable zest for
>
> life. She showed no signs whatsoever of any mental or
>
> physical impairment. Simply, she was everything a little
>
> girl can be and more. But that happy ending is far from the
>
> end of her story.
>
>
> One blistering afternoon in the summer of 1996 near her
>
> home in Irving, Texas, Dana was sitting in her mother's lap
>
> in the bleachers of a local ball park where her brother
>
> Dustin's baseball team was practicing.
>
>
> As always, Dana was chattering nonstop with her mother and
>
> several other adults sitting nearby when she suddenly fell
>
> silent
>
>
> Hugging her arms across her chest, little Dana asked,
>
> "Do you smell that?"
>
>
> Smelling the air and detecting the approach of a
>
> thunderstorm, Diana replied, "Yes, it smells like rain."
>
>
> Dana closed her eyes and again asked, "Do you smell that?"
>
>
> Once again, her mother replied,
>
> "Yes, I think we're about to get wet. It smells like rain."
>
>
> Still caught in the moment, Dana shook her head, patted her
>
> thin shoulders with her small hands and loudly announced,
>
>
> "No, it smells like Him.
>
>
> It smells like God when you lay your head on His chest."
>
>
> Tears blurred Diana's eyes as Dana happily hopped down to
>
> play with the other children.
>
>
> Before the rains came, her daughter's words confirmed what
>
> Diana and all the members of the extended Blessing family
>
> had known, at least in their hearts, all along.
>
>
> During those long days and nights of her first two months
>
> of her life, when her nerves were too sensitive for them to
>
> touch her, God was holding Dana on His chest and it is His
>
> loving scent that she remembers so well.
>
>
> "I can do all things in Him who strengthens me."
>
>
> This morning when the Lord opened a window to Heaven, He saw me, and

> He
>
> asked: "My child, what is your greatest wish for today?" I
> responded:
>
>
> "Lord please, take care of the person who is reading this message,
> their
>
> family and their special friends. They deserve it and I love them
> very
>
> much" The love of God is like the ocean, you can see its beginning,
> but not
>
> its end.
>
>
> ANGELS EXIST but some times, since they don't all have wings, we
> call them
>
> FRIENDS.


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Sunday, November 20, 2005


   Trying something new. Click on the pic and let me know if it works.



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   um.... Glugafed?

Play wonderland online! zzzz...not sure what to say. David-San (dposse) has been really helping me out! He inspired me to pick up poetry again and I made a new wallpaper. Please check it out! I'd put up a link, but I'm too tired @_@

Kyo: -_- that's no excuse
Yuki: Be quiet stupid cat. She needs rest.

Cia: Well, yes...I need to work on an English paper...

Note to anyone who cares (if there if anyone):

I have been clinically depressed since like 4th or 5th grade, showing major signs of it since about seventh grade, when I first wanted to commit suicide. It comes and goes and I try my best to fight it, but lately I've been losing. This school year, I stopped fighting the urge to cut myself. I denyed myself food, water, and decent rest. I overdosed on my insulin without even thinking about it and had major scares such as passing out, unable to breath, because of it. I finally saw a therapist and let her know things I NEVER LET ANYONE ELSE KNOW. Not even Yasha. The thing is, I was so calm for most of it. It was like, well yeah, I was overdosing and cutting myself. So? But then certain times I'd be sobbing. She brought my mom in and I couldn't talk I was crying so hard. Finally I was able to say "I'm so sorry. I'm such a failure. I wanted to be a good daughter for you, but I failed."

My mom let me know she was proud of me for fighting so hard. I'm supposed to meet with a doctor to start anti-depressant pills on Tuesday. This is not my fault. I have a hormonal imbalance of the brain. I still hate myself, but once my hormones are figured out I should feel myself again.

Again?

I've never felt myself. I've been on drugs and meds and hating myself since at least the 4th grade. So I'm not hoping I can be myself again, I'm hoping I can be myself for the first time. And I'm pretty excited about it. So scared I could piss in my pants, but excited.

Please, no one do the things I did. Now that I'm trying to eat and stuff I'm getting sick constantly because of how much I've screwed up my body. My weight...*sigh* If you're having probs, talk to me, talk to a conseulor, talk to your parents (they're not as dumb as you think) talk to someone.

You'll think you're the only one with so much pain, but it's not you! It's just a medical problem. It can be fixed. You can get better. And once you get through the inhumanly scary step of talking for the first time, it gets easier. Spoken from experiance. Don't hack at yourself to feel something. Just, I mean, I know it sounds dumb and hypocritical coming from me. But don't.


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Saturday, November 19, 2005


-_0

Play wonderland online! so tired... u.u

Yeah, I was supposed to go to the Media Play party yesterday but ended up getting really sick... T.T I wanted to see Yasha!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;_;

Well, I'm too tired to visit...dunno how I'm gonna do homework...still in pajamas... x_x;

Yesterday's appoint with the therapist went well. I was able to talk about a lot of stuff. I was diagonosed as being clinically depressed and after dealing with it for about 5-6 years now I'm going to be starting anti-depressants. I sincerely hope they help (I've been cutting and straving myself and overdosing on my insulin and so many other things...)

Maybe I should take a shower and a nap...I've been sick ^_^;;;

*thinks of Thursday...*

TTYL


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Wednesday, November 16, 2005


-//-

Play wonderland online! I've got a fever and cold and who-knows-what-else. But I've got to keep working! -@.@-

...so much homework....zzz

I literally passed out yesterday...well, I dunno if you'd call it passing out. I just sort of fell and couldn't get up or see for awhile. does tjhat count as passing out? Yeah, I havent' been taking care of myself. I've been getting better about the anorexic tendancies, but I still tend to use too much insulin adn too little food. >< My low blood glucose levels are increasing the rate of brain damage. Please keep me in your prayers--I'll see the therapist Friday (so scared)

Um...still feel so guilty ranting...DON'T READ THIS,,,

T.T


I really don't know what's wrong with me T.T I...just...wish...I could break free to my real self, as long as she's not the monster I think she is.

Um...well, yeah, I'd better check my blood glucose so that I dont' pass out again, especailly since I hav e afever.

sorry for all the tyuping errors too.

-_-


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Monday, November 14, 2005


   I am inadequate

Play wonderland online! -//- sorry about not visiting or doing much...I'm working really hard, but I'm so bogged down. I've been feeling really ill and tired today and now I'm having all these probs with low blood glucose levels and homework and cpu...;_; I just want to cry, to scream, but instead I just rant on here and feel like a total doofus doing so! I feel it's time I stop posting and just keep a journal in a book.

But anyway, I've been feeling really dizzy and nauses for the past...oh...hour and a half, but I'm going to keep working until I either pass out or finish! and based on my experiances, I'll pass out x_x

TTYL

~Cia


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