Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Feeling pissed, just needed to write this up, I don't recommend reading.

Play wonderland online! Anyone else a freshman starting out music major and pissed off about stuff?????

Okay, so I understand that I have a lot less background than other people. I have no idea what in God's name allowed me to become a music major other than music is my lifeforce and I want it to be my life.

But, yeah, I'm a little discouraged when I have to work my ass off just to catch up with people on ear training and sight singing and theory and the like.

On top of all that, well I'm sorry, but no I do not own my own music anthologies or metronome or have an accompanist on hire. And if I have all the money for that, someone must have fucked me in my sleep or something because that's the likelyness of me having money for all this!!!!!!!

On top of that, I look for all the books and stuff and every store I look at they're out of stock. Well, fuck, it's all going to cost me over 100 dollars anyway, and do you think I have that right now? Because no, I do not.

These past two weeks my diabetes has been a bitch and I'm sorry for my ranting but I'm simply sick of all this shit! I'm sick of the meds, I'm sick of the upkeep, I'm sick of people looking down on me like "how in the hell did she become a music major when she knows diddly-squat." I'm sick and tired of people taking advantage of me or judging me when they don't know me or giving me fucking pity.

Yeah, I have to deal with this shit, so what? I've had to deal with it for over 13 years and your pity is only going to remind me of that rather than help me. Yeah, sometimes I rant about it like this, but most of the time I just deal because pity gets me nowhere.

I almost started fucking cutting myself again just because I'm sick of dealing with shit and feeling like hell's reject half the time.

Don't worry, I'm not cutting, I haven't done anything like that since April and I'm damn well pleased with myself.

But sometimes life is a rollar coaster and this is one of those times.

And don't worry about reporting me to health services, I already go see people.

And well, yeah, I thought writing all this would make me feel better but I'm still all pissed.

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Monday, September 11, 2006

   still asleep

Play wonderland online! whoot! I'm so happy because I can actually visit sites today. Okay, so not right away at the time of writing this, but today ^_^;

muahahahahaha! I survived the first week of college. Go me, go me! ^^ dance, dance

lol

Actually classes are going pretty well I guess. I'm taking piano, music theory, ear training and sight singing, private voice lessons, choir, popular music since 1955 (aka the history of rock and roll) as well as microeconomics.

I might end up taking another class on top of that--the lab that corresponds to microecon. Supposably it's just like a study session to help understand econ but you get credit for it. Yea! For-credit study session ^__^

*watching amvs for a little while b4 I have to go to class*

I only have 3 classes today!! Whoot!!

Well, I'm sorry, this is all rather boring and technical, isn't it? Well, I've made many wonderful friends and they're all a bit crazy, so I'm sure my posts will be getting crazyier and crazyier. Until then, I will watch shounen-ai amvs (o_O;;...what does that have to do with anything?)

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Sunday, September 3, 2006

   zzzz...zzzz...wha???

Play wonderland online! I'm sorry I was gone for so long! Gomen! Gomen, gomen!

I am now moved into dorms! whoot, whoot!

Actually, right this moment I'm not at the dorms, I'm spending the holiday at home and then going back but yeah...

Tuesday classes start and I'm nervous, but I'm still happy. These past few days have been amazing. I've made some really awesome friends! We've only known each other a few days and we're already really close. We want to all share a house together off-campus next year! ^^ Yeah, so I'm pretty exhausted...and already turning into a "starving artist" (in the musical sense).

But...yeah...happy...

I'm kinda dizzy now so I won't visit or anything quite yet...but...thought I ought to update.

ttyl

~Cia

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Thursday, August 17, 2006

Play wonderland online! They can die

They can all die

And I can die with them

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Wednesday, August 9, 2006

>_< grr argh i be a non-alcoholic pirate

Play wonderland online! Kratos clone #1: I can't say that I understand the subject.
Cia: Yeah, well, right now I'm just completely pissed. I'm sick with stupid...ahem...feminine issues...and I have no money to my name...okay...some...but not enough...stupid tution payments...and I have no housing!!!!!
Genis Clone #1: Well, you have housing, but only if you want to live with an alcoholic extrovert...pathetic humans...
Kratos clone #2: ah...suddenly the subject makes much more sense.
Cia: Yes, and I called all these numbers for different people in the housing department and they were like "oh, we can't do anything...we're over booked. maybe things will get better..."
GRR! So now my mom is spazzing and going "you'll stay at home and commute!" Well, I don't live overly far from campus, but it's still an hour and a half round trip. It's not worth paying so much in gas. On top of that, I CAN'T BEAR LIVING WITH MY FAMILY ANY LONGER!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now the suggestions are living with my aunt or my grandma. oh goodness....shoot me.....
the only apartment near the campus that isn't campus run I've found is a two-bedroom with heat and water that costs $515 monthly...I suppose I could do much worse...but I'd have to find people to share with me...and I don't really have any close friends going to the same university as me...some aquanteces...but...yeah, I spelled that wrong. I have a good friend going to a college that is somewhat close by...but...I dunno

sorry, I guess I just needed to get the complaining out of me

suppose I'll go play tales of symphonia some more...I've been stuck in the forest looking for altessa for hours...

Oh yeah...Tora...this is for you

So...I bought Tales of Symphonia for gamecube.

And unfortunately, out of the past 4-5 days, I've only been able to play for 30 hours.

You see, I needed to take breaks for food, sleep, bathroom, etc.

Damn you sleep.

^_^

Honestly though, ToS is the best RPG ever! If you haven't played any of the Tales series games, DO SO NOW!!!!!!!!

Kratos, Lloyd, Colette, Raine, Genis, Sheena, Zelos....Presea, Regal...gah! I love you all!!!

Except...Zelos is kinda a pain in the ass.

And Yddrasial (or however you spell it) is a scary mix of Michael Jackson and David Bowie...awkward...

Well, anyway, I'd better go...talking to Tora on my cell and then playing more Tos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

¢¾

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Saturday, August 5, 2006

   So much to report...

Play wonderland online! Well, I'm not sure how much I'll actually post right now though...I'm pretty sick and what-not...curses...biting off fingernails really hurts like hell...ow....anyway

Thanks for all the support you guys have been giving me throughout my health struggles. My doctors still aren't sure what's wrong other than stress and they've run 6 blood tests, 3 urine tests, and two ultrasounds...oh joy...I seem to be doing a bit better since ending my job though...stupid stress...making no sense...grrargh

Also, you probably notice that I'm working on a new theme. I haven't been able to explain it very well...so here...I'll try.

Current theme: Gravitation (YukixShuichi) and Tales of Symphonia (LloydxColette): If I Never Knew You. I think the song kinda explains it all. And then I added in the alert pop-up "Aeon115...if I never knew you" but I don't think it's working right now...

Well, trying to report stuff and keep this short...augh...should sleep soon....(it's around midnight)...I just watched the first DVD of Gravitation. ¢¨ú !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Gravitation Journey:
-Watched the AMV "Wish You Were Here" with clips from Grav
-Watched amvs of Grav
-Went out and bought the first DVD, watched it, cried, love it, plan on buying the second DVD when I get volume 14 of Fruits Basket.

Seriously though, Gravitation is one of the best anime of all time!!! You will cry!!! I don't care if you don't like homosexual romance, I didn't think I ever would and this series still pulls at my heart strings. It doesn't come on too strong, not so much yaoi as shounen-ai...and... ¢¨ú !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

don't want to keep this too long...even though i'll probably be sitting up for awhile...oh!!

I just made a amv of Howl's Moving Castle to the song "Pieces of Me"

Please check it out: my vid

hm...what else...oh! I recently bought ToS (Tales of Symphonia) for gamecube and played for like 1-2 hours today before encountering a monster I can't beat no matter what I do (sob) I'm stuck in my video games (sob)

Oh well...

I'm back on my insulin pump and my diabetes is under much better control...making me feel much better than before ^_^ So working on things in that area, figuring out roomate junk, hopefully going on a short vacation before moving into the dorms (26 days now!!!) Yeah...so life goes on.

Today (Saturday) I cantor for mass at my parish and then see Tora, "my sissy". I'm so excited and happy!!!

I hope everyone is doing fine and I shall try to visit sites in a few hours or so...

Please continue to regard me kindly and keep me in your prayers!

Oh, one last thing (I'm promise, 'tis last). I've been doing a lot of thinking, what with all the health stuff I'm dealing with. When I think about it, I know people have it so much worse and I feel so awful and sad and feel empty thinking about the world we live in and I realize all I can do for these people is be strong in facing my own problems and I feel ashamed because sometimes I don't even do that...I'm so childish and break down. I may have to take 10 meds a day but there are other people who were told today "you have ten days to live!" I'm sorry...I'm not making sense and probably only upsetting people...but I felt it needed to be said...

Well, until next time.

~Cia

PS--thanks!!!!! my site has now reached 2000 hits ^//^

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Thursday, July 20, 2006

   Please shoot me...right now...yes, that would be nice...

Play wonderland online! Subj: Upset
Mood: Feeling Ill
Time: 11:11 AM, central time

ugh............WhAT ThE HeLl Is HaPpEnInG tO mE!?
My body is so out of whack right now...especially with my diabetes...it's like, since going to the chiropractor and getting my brain stem aligned...all things hormonal are going crazy! My body is like reverting back to how "insulin-sensitive" it used to be. My blood glucose levels are jumping all over and suddenly crashing at bad times. I was sent home from work again yesterday because of it. Of course, with my blood sugar crashing I couldnt' drive. I called around for a ride and couldn't get ahold of anyone...ended up just sitting around for 45 minutes until I felt well enough to drive home. And I was sobbing the whole time. Oh yeah, sobbing. I finally admitted the truth...

*flashback*

God, I'm a strong person. I'm not scared...I'm petrified...please help me figure out what the **** is going on with my body.

*end of flashback*

So yeah, not fun. And my family is going nuts on me...*grr...get away from family...help!* And I'm working about 46 hours a week...and seeing doctors almost everyday on top of that and getting all these blood tests and urine tests done...uber fun...I'm hardly ever home but when I'm home I just want to escape!!! My dad is on business and he's the only one who keeps my family sane! I miss him like CRAZY!!!!!

TToTT

So, yeah, sorry about all the ranting, but I have a little more...please bear with me.

I found out who my roomate is for college next year...and also found out that she digs partying and hard liquor and possably even porn. Oh God, this is the opposite of me TToTT I just want to study and get to my 8 AM classes and keep my scholarships...as it is I'm working myself to death *quite literally* to make money for college...if I lose the scholarships, I certainly am doomed *away in a deep, dark, corner.*

*sobs like mad*

Please, pray for me...I don't think I'll make it through the summer...................

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Sunday, July 16, 2006

Sorry

Play wonderland online! Once again I don't have time to visit and this time I don't even have much to report.

I'm still in a lot of pain and what-not, but I was finally able to rest. Kamenki slept over last night and we actually got to sleep before midnight! o_O;;

Today I am trying my best to get my pain under control and we are visiting a local park/ "amusement park"

After that...tomorrow...I go back to work. I'm gonna be honest, I'm nervous. But Kami-Sama, knows, he will show me a way to make this body he gave me last.

Well, I hope everyone else is continuing to do well ^_^

Talk to you all when I have some time/news...til then please continue to keep me in your prayers.

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Saturday, July 15, 2006

Some good news, Some bad news.

Play wonderland online! Sorry that I don't have much time and so can't visit or even reply to past comments yet. I just wanted to give a quick update because of all of you out there supporting me.

yesterday I went to my doctor and then the hospital. i got an ultrasound done and the good news is that the problem is not my ovaries! ^_^ It seems that currently I have no cysts.

It seems that my problem may be kidney stone(s). Right now my doctor is thinking we should wait a bit and see if my symptoms calm down on their own. If anything gets worse though, I should go get a CT-scan to see if I have kidney stones.

sigh

KyoKrazy, superham99 is, or at least was, a wonderful wonderful "real life" friend. She's struggling right now and she's kinda taking it out on me. I just hope that we can get through all this...cause right now...she's making it seem that our friendship won't survive. And it makes me really sad.

Well, I'm feeling kinda dizzy so I'll wrap up this post.

Yesterday after the whole hospital visit and stuff I was so zonked I just went to read manga online. Yes, I found a site with furuba scans/fan translations. I read volumes 14 through 19! Oh yes, I'm so bad...lol

I still plan on getting all the books though...oh 14, when will you come out in WI????

19 is the best book ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't wait for it to be published.

Well, like I said, I'm not feeling very well...but I have to do some house cleaning and then I'm cantoring mass at my church and Kamenki is coming over to hear me and spend time with me.

Thank you, thank you for all your support and prayers. It means so much to me...crying...really...

Talk to you when I can.

~Cia
-12:24 PM central time, July 15, 2006

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Friday, July 14, 2006

I am way, way, way too much like Tohru...wait, I'm worse than Tohru....

Play wonderland online! So, yesterday i was really not feeling well and feeling like a bitch and struggled through work and got home to hate messages from superham99...long story...that should have led me to what happened today

it didn't

okay, so tmi warning ahead....

I have PCOS (Polycistic Ovarian Syndrome)

In lamens terms, I have problems with my ovaries that make normal women's problems a major crisis...when I discovered I had PCOS I actually was in so much pain i stopped breathing for like 30 seconds and went to the emergency room. Since then, I have vowed to never let pain get the better of me. I have built my pain tolerance up higher than anyone i know. I go to my chiropractor and he does procedures on me that make other people scream and i make no sound. Sometimes I'll start crying and not realize it but it's my body's way of dealing with the pain...

Anyway....

Because of this, I hardly ever take medicine. But today I took the maximum dose of prescribed pain medicine that was given to me when I got PCOS. Then I drove to work. Once I got to work I started feeling awful. I wanted to curl up and die. I was feverish, my face had turned purple, I was lightheaded and even started having to run to the bathroom every 1/2 hour...but I stayed at work. Oh yeah, I'm so much worse than Tohru. I was asked/told to go home about 5 times...finally after i took my insulin injection and my blood glucose started dropping scare-ily (yeah, i'm diabetic too) I was forced to go home.

Only

I couldn't make it home

as soon as i left the parking lot i felt extremely sharp pains in my back. I couldn't control my reaction, I started wimpering and screaming out in pain. I pulled into the nearby mall, tested my blood sugar. It was dropping much, much faster than was safe. I wandered about the mall looking for a pay phone (just my luck, i left my cell phone at home -_-) couldn't get in touch with my mom for like an hour and a half....

ah well

finally got home

freaking out over my appointment tomorrow, well today according to otaku time, praying i won't have to get surgery.

I have been sobbing...I'm just...for once...

I admit it.

i'm really scared

and I'm asking for your prayers

Thank you.

~Cia
11:22 PM Central Time, July 13, 2006

right now i'm very ill

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