Wednesday, March 1, 2006

Yeah, so

Play wonderland online! It's 12:30 Am otaku time, and I'm up and thought, why not update and get yesterday's posts off the main site. Yeah, I was frazzled, still kind of am after the events of today / tonight. I guess I do have reasons to live, even if I lose sight of that.

Spectre-01 and I are back on speaking terms. We will never get back together and probably won't ever even be that close of friends, but it's nice to get everything out in the open now instead of burning in our own private hells. I just finished writing a four page paper on dreams and making a cover page and works cited page and works consulted page. I have some open campus time tomorrow in which I will edit my paper, print it out, and turn it in. Well, I'm still sick and my body needs rest. Plus my wrist is burning and aching for all get-out. Guess my carpel tunnel is acting up again.

See you all on the weekend.

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Tuesday, February 28, 2006

I hate this

Play wonderland online! What the hell?

Less than two hours ago, I was saying maybe I should just go back to Sean and let him fuck me. That's what he wants or at least wanted from me, right? And what the hell? I have nothing more to lose, right? I'm a fat ugly bitch who's got people who wanna fuck her, but nobody who would ever want to make love to her. There's a big difference. I don't know if you guys understand that or not, but there is.

Oh God, I was reading a KyoxYuki fanfic and it got my sexual drive going...yes, contary to popular belief, I do have a sexual drive and I do have sexual desire and sexual dreams. Freaking anyone out yet? I'm scared, hurt, exposed and broken. I tried my best to deal with the whole Sean situation. I didn't want to hurt him, I swear to God I didn't, but I did what I did to keep myself safe. I didn't what him to fuck me, but now I don't know if I have anything to lose.

I have had recurring dreams of being raped, which supposably reveals that I am afraid of losing my virginity. Well, duh! Until recently, I was scared of sex in general!

I hate this, I hate this, I hate this! I tried adding him to my friends list on Facebook (a blog thing) as a way to reconcile. I've been trying so hard, injuring myself in order to try and make him happier. I've been keeping my eye on him and we even talk once in awhile when in a group. I was trying to forgive him, damn it! Trying to forgive him and he spurred me. And on top of that, one of my best friends supports him! And I know he still reads this blog cause he made a comment on how I couldn't love Spock because of him being Vulcan. Well, get this, smarta$$, Spock is half-vulcan, half-human, so he is prone to emotion from time to time. And what's this about falling in love with him and him returning or not-returning my love? This just in--he's not real! and I can have any fav character I want. Why the hell should it matter what you say about it, a$$hole?

Crap, I can't believe I'm writing stuff like this. It's just...it's been really hard lately and I try to forgive him but then I look on his site to see if he's cooled off and instead he's flaming me and happens to have adopted a pet with my confirmation name. What the hell am I supposed to think about all of this?

I've been hurting myself again--on my hands. And the worse part of it is, I'm bruising all over in places I didn't hurt myself! Plus I have the flu and a damn pysch paper that is not gonna be done by tomorrow. Dammit all, I thought I had a reason to live, but maybe I don't! People either feel nothing for me, are overly possesive of me, stab me in the back or wanna fuck me. Heck, a lot of people are a mix of those. Why the hell should I keep on living for that kind of crap?

So, anyone wanna flame this? Anyone wanna say "don't say things like that, dammit"

Go ahead, but I have no reason to listen to you. Does anyone actually prove those points anymore other than Kitty? Damn it Kamenki, I rely too much on you! And I hurt and abuse you! Don't you see that you'd be much better without me? Maybe somebody should fuck me so I'd get off my high horse and stop being such an ass. Cause obviously that's all I am--an ass. A fat, ugly, bitch of an ass everyone hates and would be better off without. Obviously Sean thinks I'm an ass. And I bet a lot of my friends secretly think I'm an ass. I don't blame them, half the time I think I'm an ass.

DAmn! damn damn damn damn damn damn damn


What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I ever be happy? Why not me, God? Why not me? As soon as something good comes my way, as soon as I start feeling happy, all of that is shattered. Y'know what? This is shit. Absolute shit. You wanna know all the crap I have to deal with?

#1: diabetes
#2: asthma
#3: an abusive brother who thinks I'm a bitch
#4: parents that don't know what they want or what they expect from me, other than too much
#5: depression/poor body image/eating disorder
#6: Polysistic Ovarian Syndrome
#7: an over-abundance in anxiety, which led to Irritable Bowel Syndrome
#8: My absolute best friend and spiritual helper is living hours away and I haven't seen her in years.
#9: I am a hetrosexual female and I had a female ask to get naked with me and who *quote* wanted to fuck me before I even knew what sex was.
#10: I have friends who either use me or stab me in the back, or both
#11: I have a complete asshole of an ex-boyfriend
#12: I still don't understand a lot of sexual stuff and get taken advantage of
#13: I had five times I planned to kill myself and I haven't managed to die, not even when I was hit with a car.
#14: I didn't die, but I still have complications of concussions and spraining muscles in my neck.

...

I think I feel a little better now. I think I'm gonna be sick again.

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Play wonderland online! Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me


Music by Elton John
Lyrics by Bernie Taupin
Available on the album Caribou



I can't light no more of your darkness
All my pictures seem to fade to black and white
I'm growing tired and time stands still before me
Frozen here on the ladder of my life

Too late to save myself from falling
I took a chance and changed your way of life
But you misread my meaning when I met you
Closed the door and left me blinded by the light

Don't let the sun go down on me
Although I search myself, it's always someone else I see
I'd just allow a fragment of your life to wander free
But losing everything is like the sun going down on me

I can't find, oh the right romantic line
But see me once and see the way I feel
Don't discard me just because you think I mean you harm
But these cuts I have they need love to help them heal




© 1974 Big Pig Music Limited

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   Sad and Sick

Play wonderland online! Sorry I can't get to people's sites...I am busy trying to work on a paper which is hard for two reasons:
#1: I have a short attention span -_-;;;
#2: I am violently sick with the flu. It's been hard to breathe (my asthma's being affected) and I've spent most of the morning in my bathroom -_-;; Also I've been bruising all over...for no reason... o_O;;

ku... TT__TT

Anyway, some good news. Yesterday I tried out for my school's spring play. This is my last year of high school and last chance to get involved with theatre at my school, so I figured "why not try out? ^_~ " I will see who got in tomorrow and then there is a read-through for everyone who got in on Thursday. There are only 10 parts in the entire play--5 girls and 5 guys, so I probably won't get in, but at least I tried. If I don't get in, I think I will help backstage. This evening, Kamenki will be trying out! She and I are classmates =^.^=

I will miss her so much next year because we will be almost 5 hours apart ;0; We will be in the same state and will visit when we can...but still...Kamenki...my first true best friend. I shall love you for all time, my kitty!

Well, I guess that's it for today. I'm praying I don't get sick again for a bit so I can actually work on my paper for awhile. And yes, I'm trying to get some fluids. I just got myself a water bottle.

Ja ne ashita minna!

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Saturday, February 25, 2006

This weekend in a nutshell

Play wonderland online! First the complaining so I can get that over with.

#1: I'm still sick. This sucks.
#2: My nails and the skin surrounding them is gone. Damn bad habits.
#3: Broke my vow to stop swearing >_>
#4: I type much faster than my keyboard can handle.

Okay, moving on. So, yesterday my appointments went very well. My doctors and I are trying to get me healthy. ^_^ depression and eating disorders are very common in diabetics, so are problems with over-dosing and under-dosing on insulin. That means my doctors have the experience and know-how to help me through all of this.

Yesterday was also my audition. Despite everyone wishing me luck and telling me not to be nervous, I was nervous as all hell >_< Well, it is my number one school. I messed up my songs. The tempo was too slow. I got the first ear-training right but most of the others wrong ;-; I think I did all right on the theory test though. TT_TT Anyway, I had thought I totally sucked ass and I was ready to forget about music programs then and there, but Professor Meredith (one of the judges whom I had met before) stopped my Dad to say how much she loved my voice and how much she enjoyed hearing me ^^ She even gave him a sample syllabus!!! She told me that she had some free time and that I could come ask her questions and work on my songs with her!!! I got to sit in on a lesson and then had a lesson on her with my songs. She told me that my only problem was that my tempos were too slow. She had thought I would eventually die from lack of breath! When she found out I have severe asthma and couldn't get much help on my english piece she was very impressed =P She showed me the book I will need for next year and invited me to come to a performance she and some other faculty are giving tomorrow. She found out from me that the school is my number one and seemed very happy. She told me when admissions and scholarships would be reviewed and said I would recieve word that I got...I mean, recieve word ^_~ in a few weeks. She was strongly hinting I got in ^_______________________________________________^

Today I baby-sat at my school for five hours. I had to help take care of 40 kids, some of whom fell in love with me. I'm not kidding >_> I have a real-maternal aura and kids are drawn to that. One boy in particular, Lucas, took to me. He held my hand and dragged (?) me along with him whenever he could. When we watched a movie he sat on my lap. He and Quinn and Bryce...all attached to me...all an extremely energetic handful...but...I loved it! >_< I love kids~! Afterwards, though, I was so sweaty and exhausted. I got to McDonalds and scarfed down food, then my brother Tony (10) got a haircut and we went to the library, where I got some manga. After getting home, I wrote thank you to the music professors of my number one university to thank them for hearing my audition and answering my questions. I got a reply back! from one of the judges saying she was glad she could help and that she looks forward to reviewing my application.

Another hint that I'm in????
^///////////////////////////////////////////////^

Going off on a completely random tangent: I have been really into Star Trek lately. I love Spock! The man really needs some loving! *sneaks off with Spock* lol...you guys should really check it out though *end of random tangent*

Today I also wrote a poem for my psych class which I will post now.

Reaction to a Misuse of Classical Conditioning

One eleven-month-old boy
Alias: little Albert
Two curious psychologists: Watson and Rayner
No extinction—conditioning misused, an infant abused.

Two months, all goes well
After two months, breaks loose all hell
Conditioning Albert to fear a rat
His once furry friend is now foe

Unconditioned stimulus, noise,
Seeks to eliminate Albert’s joy.
Conditioned stimulus, rat
Albert fears all things furry or fat

Santa Claus no longer jolly,
How I loathe Watson’s and Rayner’s folly!
I have one question only--are you daft?
This experiment should have had a second draft.

Praise be to the APA,
For preventing future dismay,
And Watson’s student, Jones,
For redeeming Watson’s woes.



Wow...this post is long, but I'm trying to get a lot of stuff in. I'm sorry I won't be able to visit sites in a long time *hangs head* You see, I have this major psych paper to write plus Improv is working on an uber angsty drug/alcohol/driving accident skit to perform at the local performing arts center. It will even go on TV!!!

I finally have pictures of myself (with my new haircut) so after I am able to scan them, I will get them up ^__^ aren't you all excited? >_> lol, I don't blame ya, who would want to see what I look like? o_O;;

Um...Um...oh yeah! Tomorrow I am going to mass and then having an extended family luncheon for my grandma (on my mom's side) 's 80th birthday. Then I am going to that performance I mentioned earlier. Well, time for more homework and brit coms. Sorry for the uber long post, peoples. ja ne ashita minna!

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Friday, February 24, 2006

=_= sick? =_=

Play wonderland online! augh, I just slept for 11 hours.... and still...:P *she sits here yawning*

I am nervous. I have two or three diabetic doctor appointments today and I have been having trouble with my insulin injections plus I cannot get my glucose monitor software to work. Yeah...you're all thinking...WTH?

My eyes are so watery right now... =_=

Today is also my music audition for my number one university. I am very nervous TT_TT

This weekend I have to write a poem on conditioning, read some psychology, and write a psychology paper. I am also hoping to continue working on a picture (original anime that I started yesterday). It is actually good this time, I swear!

Well, um, yeah, can't get to sites this weekend, sorry...ja ne

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Thursday, February 23, 2006

Sorry

Play wonderland online! Sorry I haven't been getting to sites. I have been really bogged down!!! I have been sick and still going to school, I've been doing a lot outside of school as well. I have homework to catch up on and I'm still working very hard on my music auditions!!! >_> Last night and today I am so dizzy I think I will vomit TT_TT I have open campus right now but I'm staying at school for errands...a very normal thing for me. I just wish I wasn't so sick. Well, I'm busy writing a two page paper on the movie I Am Sam. It's about 1 and 1/2 pages right now...@_@

Oh! Last night I went shopping and got a cell phone! It's my first cell phone and it's a really nice one! My parents only let me get the nice expensive one cause it's for my birthday present (even though my birthday's not til March 27th). It's my 18th bday, so I had to get something special =P

Also, I have been having so many troubles with shoes lately!!! Thanks to last night I finally have decent tennis shoes. They are pink ^//^

Well, I better finish my paper and run around doing some errands. Ja ne

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Tuesday, February 21, 2006

wha~?

Play wonderland online! Don't have any time...

I have to leave to go to school and I actually have a full day and then going to the library and then shopping and what-not! I won't be home until late at night TT_TT

How does everyone like my new theme!!! I love it >_< It is for my birthday on March 27th. Congrats to XxHaruxX for correctly guessing that my cursor is the aries symbol. You will get a prize from me.

ttyl soon everybody ^__^

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Monday, February 20, 2006

   ~*~blink, blink, blink = take 2~*~

Play wonderland online! So....

HOW DO YOU LIKE THE NEW THEME!? I had a really pretty scroll bar, but now with some of my other codes, it won't show up. I like the other codes better though, so I'll deal. Yeah, the theme isn't quite done yet...but I had time...or rather, made time, to work on it tonight and this is as far as I got before I started passing out. I have to sleep!!! And I suppose I'll be doing the rest of my psychology...later...oops -_-;;;;

But my site is actually pretty now! n_n

Well, I am about to be ill so I'd better go lay down. Night everybody!

PS--this theme is up a little early, but it's my theme for March. It is a special theme for my birthday which is March 27th. Saying that, can anyone guess what my cursor symbol means? I'll make some kind of banner or button or something for the first person to get it right ^__^

Hiroko Kun and superham99--you can't answer, cause I already told you what it is =P

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   ~*~blink, blink, blink~*~

Play wonderland online! I have plenty to say but I can't say it all now. I'm so tired and icky feeling...o_o

What a weekend! I had a very religious weekend to say the least. Before I post anything about it though, I have to let you all know that I am considered to be a Catholic Mystic. No, this does not mean I'm crazy! But I am lucky enough to live a life where I recieve visions and miracles. I have also recieved invisible stigmata. All right, most of you are really confused right now, right? ^_~ Well, I figured if people can be open about hating God, why can't I be open about loving Him? From now on I will give you more information on my religious life. I understand that some of you will be disturbed my this. If you are, simply stop visiting me. The Lord wishes me to share my faith and if others hate me for my faith, blessed am I, for mine is the kingdom of heaven! Yeah, some of you are probably thinking, woohoo, she gets confirmed and turns into a Jesus freak. Not true. I was a Jesus freak long before I was confirmed. ^o^ My confirmation and recieving of the Holy Spirit has just given me more courage and more words to express myself. So...the reason I bring all this up? This weekend, I had another vision and I don't want to hide that stuff anymore.

Well, I dropped that bombshell -_-;;;

Yea! I was able to visit everyone who updated and was actually able to post. Well, I still have to do homework and go shoe shopping.

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