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• HowlsLuvrGrl327
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• Cia-Chan
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Birthday
• 1988-03-27
Gender
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Female
Location
• Someplace Cold
Member Since
• 2005-02-01
Occupation
• Wedding Singer
Real Name
• Cia is my real name.
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• Staying Alive
Anime Fan Since
• Sailer Moon, Card Captor Sakura and Digimon
Favorite Anime
• -_- Isn't just a bit obvious?
Goals
• "I want to change the world." Become a CLT, marraige, babies
Hobbies
• music, reading, computer, video games, dating, writing, studying biochemistry
Talents
• Hmm... writing and singing
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Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Ranting...discovering myself...
Play wonderland online!
So…I’ve been realizing more and more that I’ve been pretty much born and raised to be a housewife. No, more like the model housewife. I can cook, bake, clean, do laundry, iron, sew, knit, crochet… I can be quiet for days on end if needed; only speaking when spoken to. I can keep my hubby pleased and pleasured with massages and utterly fantastic sex due to training flexibility and reflexes… I’m patient, a listener and advise-giver and I’m amazing with kids.
The only problem is…these skills don’t do me any justice as a single 20-year-old…unless I want to become a risky aged, overly polite hooker. [shakes head]
Not only has being raised this way left me with little skills I feel are actually marketable, it also lowers my ability to feel a need for other skills. It lowers my self-esteem and inhibitions, making me believe that I was created and exist only to please others, specifically, my future husband and family.
When I was younger, I thrived under my parents’ regime. I sought only to please them and make them proud of me. Eventually, it got to a point where I wasn’t sure what I even liked to do anymore, as long as it made them happy. College became a melting point for me because for once I was alone with the freedom to be myself and do what I liked…only…I had no idea what that was or even what it meant. I was faced with thoughts and decisions I had run away from for years and soon found myself unsuccessfully running away from myself.
Late in middle school, I began to question my sexuality. It seemed to me that girls were nearly as attractive as boys, not that I could ever admit this. I spent every day trying to purge myself of these feelings, begging God for forgiveness and confessing sins I didn’t commit. In high school, things only got worse when I began to crush on a close female friend and experience my first try at heterosexual romance.
Coming out as bisexual was just one of the many things college forced me to reckon with. Finding girls interesting and beautiful and attractive…all the things that drew me to guys…and having girls return those thoughts and feelings was something new and exciting. I began to accept girls flirting with me and flirting back and simply feel in love with all my new friends—gay, bi and straight alike.
I swear Brokeback Mountain helped to change my life. Anyone who has not seen that movie should. It’s precious and beautiful and I treasure it.
Unfortunately, college was also the time that forced me to realize my state of mental health. I am not doing well, have not been for some time, as I developed clinical depression at the age of five, clinical depression that quickly developed into clinical depression with bipolar and OCD tendencies, coupled later with anxiety and panic disorder.
The more comfortable I became with my new-found sense of self, the more I hated and feared myself. Panic attacks and sheer fear of everything around me found me hiding in the corner of my dorm room day after day, no longer able to breathe when I tried to get to class. I attempted college three times, only to have these results. [sigh]
Something that pushed me even further over the deep end was that, while discovering my sexual identity, I was also discovering the identity of sex itself. Growing up, sex was never mentioned, never talked about until after I was verbally abused in 7th grade and asked my mother what “fuck” even meant. After that, sex became something dirty, something evil, and something that I would never, ever, do. At least, so I thought. No one ever told me that in its beautiful disgustingness, sex actually felt good, amazingly good; a little foreplay could help you forget all your problems, just for awhile, as you basked in the relief and release of orgasms and endorphins.
Dating in college, I wouldn’t let my boyfriend go past fingering…he ate me out once but…yeah. And I was fine with this. I…convinced myself I was… until when, at the point he got me to my breaking point, where I was just about to say “screw my morals and beliefs, just sex me up already!” he broke up with me, saying that he viewed me as a clingy younger sister.
Well, cause that didn’t torture my self-image at all… Nope, just as ineffective as my music major advisor telling me I had better have already picked a new major because her cat could do better than I could.
So…college was pretty much a bust…though, it did give me several wonderful things:
1) I came out as bisexual…some days I view that as awful, but most days it’s a lift off my shoulders.
2) I met and fell in love with my wonderful boyfriend of almost 2 years, who is now my fiancé.
3) I found out what I actually want to do with my life!
And sure, part of that involves being a housewife and mother…but there’s more to it than that. I went back to my roots of childhood and discovered that, yes, I really did love music, but as a hobby, and as a side job—singing for masses and weddings and funerals. What really interests me is what I’ve been surrounded with my whole life: medicine…blood and urine and their purpose and the messages they give us; diagnosis and disease and treatment. I’m enrolled to become a Medical Laboratory Technician, and though I’m kinda being forced to take some time off to get my own medical affairs in order, I can’t wait to return to school and my calling.
Someday, I will be a wife and mother, and I’m excited for that! Excited…and terrified [smiles]. Terrified because, even though I’ve been prepared for it, I know what a burden it will be. Terrified, because with my fertility problems, I’ve already lost one chance at a new life. Terrified, because I’m afraid that even with my best tries, I’ll raise kids who will turn out to hate me. Or at least temporarily hate me, like the situation I put my own parents in.
Overall though, I am excited. Excited because this is what I was raised to do. Excited because I have found the one person, now knowing that gender doesn’t matter, who I can fully love and devote myself to without having it feel like a sacrifice and instead feel like a pleasure. Excited because I have somehow been granted the luck to be surrounded by friends and family who truly love me, support me and lift me up. Excited, because I finally feel that this strange mix of talents, feelings and abilities bound up in me can be accepted by those who truly care for me and even by myself. I have found someone who takes me just the way I am and embraces that, making me better than I could have dreamed I could be. For all his shortcomings, it is in him that my true excitement lies, for I love him with a love so powerful and overwhelming I have to laugh everyday at God’s joke of giving him to me when I had decided I gave up on love.
[End of Part 1 of “My Discovery” ^-^;;]
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