Play
wonderland online!
I wrote this yesterday, but wasn’t able to post it til today. As soon as it’s posted, I’m getting offline.
My downfall is that most of my character is fueled by the need to make people proud of me. My grades, learning—I say I do it for me, but I know I’m really doing it for my parents. They’re why I’m a perfectionist. In a class where the average student is happy to earn a C, my parents are disappointed if I don’t get an A. I run on that disappointment. I strive to do better and better, but when they see how good I’m getting they set their standards higher. They say they have to wait for something really extra good to be proud of me for. I can never win.
Surprisingly, my getting into Anime is even fueled by my need to make people proud of me. As more and more of my friends became diseased by Anime, I felt the need to like Anime in order for them to be proud of me/like me. Perhaps no pressure was there; maybe I made it up, but I still felt it.
Now I am torn: some of my friends love anime, others just don’t understand it, my parents find it demonic. I’m at a loss.
The one thing I’ve kept up with for myself is music. I’ve been told: you’re amazing, you’re awful, you sound funny, are you a professional, etc. All over the board. No matter what, I stay with my passion. Even though my parents and others have told me I won’t make it, I will become a professional Christian Singer. I have already done some singing professionally and I will make it my career.
~
I can’t stand to tell my dad that I can’t write. Different Ideas/Views I have, yeah I can write that out. I can write my own stories and fanfics, ok. My poems aren’t that great but they’re alright. Overall though, my writing isn’t really that good. I wish with all my might that I could write—I have ideas, but my explanations of them don’t do them justice. If he knew how bad I really was, he would seriously disown me. He couldn’t stand the fact of me not being able to write. He believes that I’m going to be a world-famous author.
~
I’m sorry for complaining. I’m so weak—so pathetic. Even my desire to help people comes from a need to have someone proud of me, I think. I’m such a selfish jerk. I…
I lack ambition now. I feel lost…I’m screaming. I wish that I could really find myself without worrying about being different people depending on who I’m with.
I’m so weak.
